Tired and Happy!

Got through our first Christmas together successfully. Boy, is our kiddo going to be spoiled. It looked like Christmas threw up in our living room.  She was thrilled with the array of gifts. 

We're told that Christmas is normally trauma time for her, as we were with Thanksgiving for our visit. We didn't have a fall out for either one.

Either therapy really has done a great job for her or we have serious honeymooning. Either way, loving having our beautiful kiddo here.

I'm so fuzzy on what our life was before her.

She's definitely a prayer answered and a dream come true.

We've had a full holiday season thus far. During her last visit before moving in, we took her to see The Nutcracker. She loved it and wants to make this a holiday tradition.

Second row seats!!!

She's seen Santa 3 times with us already, once at the mall, once at the racetrack when we did Toys for Tots and once when we went to breakfast at a local school.  The racetrack visit is also a family tradition. Take at least $20 or equivalent in toys and the toys go to needy kids and you get to ride your personal car around the racetrack. Afterwards we went to the infield and got hotdogs for lunch and Santa was there. 

She moved in and then we received a gift for the family of 3 tickets to Disney on Ice. Also GREAT seats. 2nd riser, front row. 

Apparently visiting Santa 3 times paid off. Santa visited here twice. Gifts were sent to her former city and again here, she ended up with twice the Santa gifts a normal SPOILED child would get.  In addition to our craziness!!

So, very busy, very crazy and yet, we've gotten lots of family, quality time in at home, just watching movies, playing cards or Wii. 

Dreading her going back to school.  I'm on leave and loving this time at home with our new kid. 

yep, prayers answered!!

Having a Family is so important

even dolls need a family.

our baby got her first allowance today.  I took her to the discount store and she bought a doll with her allowance and now only has 50 cent left for the next two weeks.

I tried to encourage her to save some of it (but it is all hers and to be spent her way, within certain guidelines, so she chose to spend it).

She said the doll had been in the box for awhile and she needed a family. She said she'd provide that doll a family just like we did for her.

Have I said what a heart of gold our kiddo has?

she can bring me to happy, sweet tears!

What I can't even dream.....

I haven't been here lately to blog, because my fingers can't possibly keep up with all my thoughts.

I'm just amazed at the journey and how much has happened since my last post. 

Despite cutie pies worker thinking she'd need months of visits before having overnights and a couple months of overnights before moving in, cutie adapted well and the timeline:

October 15th--interviewed for cutie
October 25th--reviewed file, met with therapist and had 10 minutes to meet with cutie
November 5th--2 hour visit with cutie
November 10th--6 hour visit with cutie
November 14th--treatment team meeting followed by 6 hour visit with cutie
November 17th--National Adoption Day and first overnight visit (1 night at our home)
November 22nd-2 night overnight visit for our first Thanksgiving together
November 30th-2 night overnight visit, visited Santa and she requested to come home for Christmas
December 5th--treatment team meeting, Christmas party for the kids there and got to bring her home after the party for a 5 night overnight visit (took her to the racetrack for toys for tots Saturday and the Nutcracker Sunday)
December 10th--last pre placement visit

DECEMBER 13th--OUR BABY WILL BE MOVING HOME FOR GOOD!!!

So super excited. Just hung up the phone from talking to 'lil Miss Princess, who is as over the moon excited as we are.  After so many visits, we've completely fallen head over hills in love with her and from the first visit, things have felt natural and "meant to be".

If you're on the waiting list, don't give up, just at that moment when you feel most ready to give up, a miracle may just be ready to happen.

Hopelessly in Love

Every long night waiting on our child....
every heartbreak and tear along the way....

yep, EVERY one, will all be worthwhile when this one works out.

So afraid to be optimistic after all the weird stuff and heartbreak we've run into. 

Visit went well today. I was a bundle of nerves and I'm sure she was too, but somehow, for me, it went away the second she came in.

We left bright and early this morning and travelled nearly 4 hours to review files with her adoptive worker.  After we finished reviewing her info, we took a break and reconened a couple hours later with her therapist. They said if we were sure we wanted to proceed, we could see her for a few minutes.  The logic was that she needs to know they are actively seeking the best parents possible for her and wanted to give her a few minutes to see what was up and ask any questions. 

This was the best few minutes of my life to date.





(oh, and I had no idea how much like our family she looks--it's crazy how much like my niece she looks--I'm so giving my brother a hard time and asking if he's been running around, heehee)

After the incident in March, I'm still distrustful and afraid to believe it'll actually happen, but wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I actually am fairly optimistic, lol

They warned us to be very patient though, that she'd take quite a few visits before she'd be ready to visit here and a few more before moving in.

We're going to have some long, frequent road trips, but she's so worth it!!!

Please dear Lord, do NOT let this fall thru.  My heart will break in a million pieces and if this falls through like H did in March, I don't think I'll be able to recover to pursue adopting. At that point, we would have to give up. 

That said, I really do believe she's OUR DAUGHTER and this WILL work out.

We'll know for sure within the week that we're officially picked. 

The toddlers fell through, but GREAT News on the "mini-me".

The child that looks exactly like me at that age, we interviewed on last Monday and yesterday we were invited to come see her file next Thursday, talk to them and ask questions and meet her if we wanted.

Of course we want!!

Our adoption worker told them no to meeting her though.  They said they think it's better to review her file, take some time to digest and meet her on another day.

Either way, we've gotten this far.  I'm sad that our worker stopped the visit for this week and it's not going quite as fast. I'm happy though that we're obviously top pick.  Our worker said for them to allow us access to all that information means that we're the ones.

After the Princess H incident back in March, we're not trusting it and calling it a match until after we sign the adoptive agreement.

But all signs point to SUCCESS!!!

We're going to be parents to a little girl that looks EXACTLY like me and loves dogs!! The loves dogs was very important and apparently she finds it essential that her adoptive home have a dog.

Can't wait for the adoption to be final and give her her own puppy as a celebration present!

A Legacy

72 years ago today, this beautiful little girl was born, that grew up to be my amazing mommy. Today we're interviewing for 2 (separate) girls that could one day be her granddaughter.....my prayer is whichever one we're chosen to parent, that I can be at least half the mom my mommy was, and that I can leave behind, one day, a legacy like hers and be able to say I made a difference, in the life of our daughter, if no where else!!

  ♥ RIP Mommy 10/15/1940-11/4/2007 ♥

 

 

another lead....

2 year old and 3 year old, sibling set, boy and a girl

We said yes, in case S or C doesn't work out Monday, but I really think one of them will.  Never know though.

I'm sure we'll have tons of competition for a 2 and 3 year old, relatively low needs, so not even remotely getting excited about the possibility there unless we make it to the next step.

A friend told me a couple weeks back that we'd probably get alot of referrals and see more activity than normal for the next month because of National Adoption Month coming up. Apparently there is a quota of adoptions that agencies must hit. 

Sad, but looking back, yeah, I can see that trend. 

more about signs

Oh well, it's definitely not a "sign" on the last child. She may be the right one, but using signs, it could be her or it could be the one I was contacted about Friday.

Back in June, we'd inquired on 2 girls, one of those is the one I wrote about in my last post. I assumed her younger sister was placed.  It turns out we're ALSO in contention for her. They will not be placed together, but we're being considered for both separately.

So, yeah, that means HER interview is ALSO on mommys birthday.

Oh yeah, but what about the fact that the older sister is the mirror image of my 6th grade picture? Well, younger sister has the name that hubby and I picked out when we were doing fertility treatments. How crazy.

When I called him to tell him they said they'd also talk to us about her and that she wasn't placed yet and we're still in the running, his comment was "cool, how appropriate, she has the right name". lol

We have to find humor where we can.
One thing about the journey, without humor, you certainly can't make it.

Do you believe in signs?

I believe in signs.

Some may think it is silly and stupid, but yeah, I sorta believe in signs.  I am a solitary person and tend to look for and see signs and magic everywhere.  It helps me keep hope.

'Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan.'

Last week, one of my adoption buddies sent me a profile of a child that she thought would be PERFECT for us. We'll call her Princess C.  I reviewed her message and all the way down to the color and stripes on the shirt, her profile pic looks eeriely like my school picture at that age. It literally stopped my heart for a split second to see her picture and the similarility between her picture and mine and goose bumps went up my arms.  As I made the bank deposit for work that night, I was sitting in the bank line thinking how I bet my parents would like her.  I was thinking specifically my dad, as I've had that thought about my mom numerous times along the way. 

This morning, I was headed to work as I always do, but I for whatever reason, got sidetracked and drove to the middle school.  Imagine my surprise when I got there. I was mildly embarrassed, hoped nobody I knew saw me since we don't have kids and I left.  I am hoping it was a sign that I would soon be driving our child there, instead of a sign that I'm losing my mind and in the early stages of alzheimers. 

I got to work and I had an e-mail from our adoption worker, asking if we could be available to interview on Princess C on October 15th. 

October 15th, incidentially, is my mommys birthday.  She's been gone almost 5 years and there isn't a time I haven't wished I could go to her and talk all this thru and share the journey with her. 

Could that date be a sign?

One can hope. 

'I think we make our own decisions, I just think that fate sends us little signs, and it's how we read the signs that determines whether we're happy or not.'

Serendipity is the movie from which the quotes come from.  Whether we're chosen or not, I can look at these fun little coincidences as signs that somehow give me hope. 

I think I'll be on cloud 9 for the next few days that we actually finally have an interview.

One Door Closes, Another Opens

One very odd thing about this journey is just the occassional glimmer of hope at precisely the right moment.

The child separated from siblings in my earlier post, we received more information about her and unfortunately, she's not a good match for us and we're not a good match for her.

Our worker sent us an e-mail indicating she didn't think it was a great match, but wanted to know our opinion and if we still wanted to be considered.  Our response?

"Could we handle her? Yes

 Would we be good at it? Yes, probably

Should we? Probably not

We stated our home study preferences based on where our heart is at and given her needs seem to exceed our home study approvals, we agree with you, that we'd do best by her, us and our future child to withdraw. Severe issues do not scare us, we're pretty determined and not quitters. That said, we both really believe our future child's issues are more emotional and behavioral and we'll hold out for another "H" or "M" type to come up."

 

(for viewers here, H and M are 2 separate girls with pretty big emotional and behavioral issues we came in 2nd for on both occassions)

 

I went to sleep heavy hearted, even knowing this was a wise choice for our family.  Heavy hearted because I felt like we'd just thrown away a lead and given up on a very sweet dear child, but as DH says "we weren't meant to 'save them all', there is a special child out there that is meant JUST for US" and hopefully this precious child will find the parents she's meant to have. 

 

The next day I got an e-mail from one of my adoption buddies titled "I found your child".   I opened it up and my heart literally skipped a beat.  She looks like I birthed her. I read her profile and if we want to adopt an emotionally scarred child with big behavioral issues and help her and that's our dream, well, her profile is definitely the picture of a challenged child. 

 

We've expressed interest. Now back to the waiting.

 

Very odd how after a day of heartbreak, there is always another glimmer of hope to take over.  We can go months between leads, but as soon as one lead closes, another always opens.

 

Whether this is our child or not, we're not far enough to know.  What I do know though, is these "glimmers of hope" aka "leads" are what keeps us in it. Otherwise, we'd have surely given up with wide gaps in between. 

 

 

 

This is a picture I took on the way to my last fertility treatment back in early 2009.  At the time, I was hopeful thinking it meant good things for the treatment. After it didn't work, I look back and realize maybe it was just a promise that "everything would be okay".  Notice the raindrops on the windshield, the tears of that failed treatment.

 

I keep clinging to that thought and remind myself daily "everything WILL be okay" and one day I'll look back on this time as a learning journey and well worth the wait.

Eternal Optimiist?

We are eternal optimists. Once again, we got our tickets for the Nutcracker. Once again, we got 3 tickets.  2nd row!!! End seats!

I know we can find somebody to go with us if need be, but it sure would be extra special if OUR child would be the one going with us. We’d let her pick out a new Nutcracker to take home as a new Christmas tradition. I know, sounds sappy, but sometimes dreams do come true.

Here's to wishes coming true!

Random Blessings.....

So, now the little girl from the sibling set is waiting for a home. Expressing interest, hopeful that we’ll hear something and afraid to let myself believe that we can be considered after so much heartbreak along the way.

Susan put this on my wall and asked for prayers for us.

 

A “random” (and I use the word random very loosely) lady ventured in to tell her story of adoption and heartbreak along the way and how very happy she is now.

She was matched with a precious little girl and at the last minute, the birth mom changed her mind.  She was obviously devastated, as we were after Princess H’s visit and then her being placed elsewhere.

On Christmas Eve, she was online filling out a random adoption survey. The odds of case workers being in the office on Christmas Eve were slim to none, but yet, somebody saw her on there, she shared her story and 2 weeks later, this guy that was there that night listening to her story, walked in on a meeting of case workers trying to decide where to place 2 beautiful little girls. He said he knew the right home for them and shared this ladies info.  They were placed with her and while it’s not what she thought would happen, she said there has never been a shadow of doubt that these kids were meant for her and her for them.

“God is the master of random blessings”

~my random visitor to my fb wall

A Perfect Match.....one day....

The hubby and I had a nice conversation tonight, lighthearted, for no real reason other than our brain went down that path. Who can figure out the whys?

It started with the Citi commercial where the guy is dumped because he's boring and he starts using his Citi card to do all these cool things.  DH and I were talking about how that was silly to go spend a ton of money pretending to be somebody you aren't to impress an ex.  My comment was "if he's not right for her, she's not right for him either". 

We talked about how lucky we were to find each other and he said he had to wait so long to meet me because he had to work out his childhood trauma to be ready to receive my love.

Then, I go on my favorite bulletin board and read this post:

"It took me a year to get pregnant the first time...and I cried everytime I started my period. But the MOMENT I held my baby girl in my arms - I thanked God that EVERY other time I had not been pregnant. If I had gotten pregnant at any other moment then I would not have been holding my sweet precious perfect girl.

And then I realized - God had my children picked out for me and I just had to wait for them - and they were so worth the wait!!!!!"

As I read that and realized it's back to back with our conversation on how us meeting was destiny and seeing this was just reassurance not to give up on this journey, our child is meant to be with us and it will happen. It's discouraging to wait on finding our 'lil one and quite frankly, keep wondering if it's worth all the heartache, but then just a song, or a comment or something seemingly meaningless like a conversation regarding a commercial makes me realize every day we wait is a day closer to finding that child that we're meant to have and then we'll realize that if we weren't right for the others along the journey, they weren't right for us either.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I found I have very good instincts on these kids.  There have been very few sibling profiles that I've expressed interested in because hubby prefers a singlet.  One sibling set we requested consideration for was the one with Princess H, who later got split from her siblings and we were considered for.  I did that on a whim wanting HER, but overwhelmed with the idea of 3.  We found another set of 3, I read their bio and I told hubby "the risk factors seem to indicate that these 3 are not likely to get to be placed together, I'm submitted regardless in case they have to separate them". Today we got notice they'd been separated.  Unfortunately, the 2 we felt we could handle were the 2 already placed.  Oh well, Not surprised and really it helped to know that my instincts lead us well.  Now to find OUR child....wish us luck!

Arlo and the babies

After the visit with the 16 year old, I have to say I really enjoyed how well her and Arlo got along and part of me thought despite all the other issues that make us want a young child, maybe we should consider how rambunctious our furkid Arlo is. 

We got to test that.  Our dog sitter while we went on vacation has a 12 month old and I was worried he'd be too rough with her, but instead he just loved on her, they played hide and seek, chased each other and kissed each other. 

We had a pool party and he gravitated towards the smallest kids and was very gentle with them.  The 18 month old offered him potato chips, which he declined, but he did offer her kisses in return.

So, that makes me feel better to see how he just seems to get along with kids in general and adapts.  

Short Term, Decisions and Clarity

Several years back, we inquired on a girl that we knew very little about. We received no information, despite tons of follow up.

A few weeks back, we were called to do respite (or as it's now being called short term care) for a 16 year old girl.  We were excited to say yes and alternating between excited and annoyed that this is the same child that we inquired on several years back.  She's way out of our age range now and it's annoying that she's still in care.  She is an amazing girl. 

Honestly, if we'd already adopted our first child, we'd consider her.  After a short visit with her and a weekend with an 8 year old, we know we'll definitely be more exhausted in our age range, but it also confirmed that our age range is right for us.  LOVED the 16 year old, but it made me cry to see how independent she is and how I wouldn't be able to baby her.  We were asked to consider adopting her and it breaks my heart to turn her down, knowing how we love her, but even so, we know that doing so would block the child that is meant to be with us and as DH says "we can't save them all"

What a bittersweet weekend to take her back home.

She is also an excellent artist, check this out. I don't know if you can tell, but the heart is breaking :(  She's funny, sweet, caring, but obviously sad deep down.  I hope she finds a great forever family and I hope her foster mom lets us borrow her again for a weekend here and there.

2 for 1?

So over the past few weeks, we've really been doing our research, reaching out to the local DSS and putting our ducks in a row to switch to locally fostering to adopt.

Finally on Friday, I broke the news to our agency that we're considering this (we waited until we knew whether it was a viable option, because we didn't want it screwing us up).  Within a couple hours I got an e-mail asking us to come meet with them in person to discuss this.  None of these meetings have ever went well and gotten anything accomplished so I didn't bother responding.

Shortly thereafter, I got an e-mail asking if we'd be interested in a sibling set of 2 girls....11 and 7.  Heck yeah!!

Scary, because really we always sad one, but I think 2 would be great!

I can't help but wonder though, it's this a straw they're grasping at to ensure we don't leave our current agency and tell others about our experiences, is it a stall tactic to buy them time to figure it out or will they really try to push this set through and us finally become parents?

I hate that I second guess motives when it comes to adoption.  These poor kids need advocates to help them have homes in a timely manner, not lollygag.  If we're frustrated, how much more frustrated is our future child, going through their side of this.

Our home study has been submitted, now the waiting begins once again!

Fear is my worst enemy

yeah, so we finally made the decision to foster locally. After finding out what we need to do, so mny fears crop up. They basically said it should be an easy transition, all we need to do is contact our current agency and have them send our info in, they'll review and add or enhance to it.

Easy? Sure, except when you feel like you've been beat up on and not sure if it's apathy, incompetence or personality conflict that has caused the issues to begin with.

My fear is that we'll terminate our curret agency and the new one will not pick us . DH says not to worry, the likelihood in this area is a slim to none that we'd get turned down and that realistically, what harm could come from it....it's not like we can get worse results.

so, yea, there you go, not rational, but anxiety level is thru the roof.

So worried that our one match will come up in between termination and approval, that our current agency will put forth road blocks, that we'll have to start from ground zero, etc. 

I can't even put it in words what all I'm feeling. I hate when I can't even get it in writing where my brain is.

If only....

If only I had a crystal ball

I'd love to know what the future holds and whether we're on the right path or not.

I keep thinking God wouldn't give us the desire to adopt a child from foster care if He didn't want us to have one and if He didn't intend to one day fill that dream for us.

But what if we're not going about it exactly the right way. After months of considering just calling it quits, we've decided maybe it's worth the risk and heartbreak and we should just foster until that right one comes along.  After seeing so many foster parents adopt the child and them never end up available to those waiting, maybe we should be the first line of defense in this journey instead of waiting.

Exploring......can't wait to find out what this brings us.  We always said we could never just foster because we'd hate to give up the kid after falling in love, but after having to give up Cupcake H thru no fault f our own, if we could survive that pain, we can survive pain to achieve a gain.

Maybe we'll touch a few lives in the process at a minimum, at best we'll touch some lives and find our forever child.

Happy? Mothers Day

If we don't open the door we will stay behind the same door, do we like what is behind THIS door.........
Baby Steps, open the door slowly.................
But eventually the door is wide open.............
Does not matter how long it takes to open the door there is no timing, it just is.............
As it is meant to be for NOW............

I will not be attending church tomorrow, because it’s Mothers Day, and I choose not to be present at that moment when all the moms are recognized. Nothing against moms, I personally feel like I had the best mom ever, but about my life.  Every church I’ve attended there is a point in the service where the pastor says, “I’d like all you mothers to stand” and everyone applauds as women of all ages rise and smile. Prizes given for the most kids, the oldest, the most recent moms, etc.  Then they pass our flowers and you either refuse to take the flower or carry it around and feel like an idiot. 

Yeah, I’d prefer to be a mom. How many years did I hear “But you don’t understand, moms…..”.  So this single boycotted day of the year is my protect against the imperfections and unfairness in my life. 

Moms deserve recognition, but what about the rest.  Maybe acknowledge that some are not moms by choice, but some are not moms simply because life took another path. Some try and try and yet plans constantly thwarted. Nobody understands that pain except those who have experienced it themselves. 

So, on Mothers Day, I’m allowing my desire for giving life to beat without shame, take care of myself and allow myself to dream. I can’t hide my life just because it’s the one I didn’t hope for. Why should I stand in church, hypocritically pretending that the pain, anxiety and anger aren’t there. Stay silent, and the world suffers. Speak up for those that you support. Be a light in a dark world.

oh, and get this....our adoption agency sent me a Mothers Day card? Clueless much?

Meeting Scheduled for Monday

Not having much faith in this meeting, but it's worth a shot I suppose. At least we copied the boss's boss on our e-mail concerns. 

we were contacted in reference to a sibling set of 2 that TPR had not been done on yet, whose goal is currently to place with relatives, and TPR is not scheduled to begin for 6 months. After rejecting the potential placement, we had a phone discussion regarding our expectations.

It was stated to me that we needed to start accepting some of the referrals we’ve been provided and be more receptive to "agency" children instead of finding our own leads and that something had to change. I was told that we needed to take risks and be willing to consider outside our normal preferences. This is concerning we’re disturbed on several levels by these comments. I don’t feel we’re being unreasonable with our expectations about a placement.

To outline a few concerns:

· T was listed with agency, on agency site, requested info October 15^th 2011 and received no response.

· B was on Tuesdays Kids, listed to contact agency if interested. She’s listed on agency Facebook page, we requested info on January 18^th 2012 and received no response. J stated she would get more information and get that to us, and whoever monitors the Facebook page also stated they’d have J reach out to us with this. To date, we have received no information or any confirmation that our home study has been submitted.

· There were 2 girls K had mentioned that were on S's case load, one of which sounded possible could be a viable match. We were promised to receive more information regarding this child. After several follow ups, no information was ever provided.

· H (the precious 'lil angel we spent the weekend with) was listed on the agency website November 2011, yet we are the ones that found out about her being separated from siblings. It was nearly 2 months after inquiry before our home study was submitted.

· S was referred to us by J on August 9 2011. We immediately agreed and on August 10, we were informed he’d already been matched elsewhere.

· J was referred to us May 26, 2011. The info provided was dated 2008. We requested clarification on information received and received no further response.

Referrals accepted and turned down for that were outside our home study preferences: C12; C13 & A9; D10, S9, and I4

Referrals we rejected: C, I & A (who incidentally in the profile info stated a potential adoptive placement had been found), F, the 2 children on 4/4, the 2 from NOVA (X&Z)

 Our preference has always been for one child, under age 12, with the potential consideration of 2 IF they were of the same sex and depending on age, due to bedroom placement and we most definitely prefer a low risk placement with TPR in place already. Given that this is the only child we intend to have, I don't think it's unreasonable to stick to our home study preferences and where our hearts lie.

We have to sign a document that we will not place a child in a room used as a passthrough. One of the bedrooms is.  Obviously this means we can't take sibling groups unless they're the same sex and can share a bedroom.

Last year we had a meeting:

results were that we'd go visit DSS with J, they'd update the site, they'd get info on S's girls and our profile would be submitted on the adopt group J is member of.  To date, no visits with DSS, it took 5 months to update the site, no info on S's girls and profile never submitted, 7 months later told she's not even a member and dues are required. We even offered to pay the dues.

We're talking with another agency as well to see if it's possible to switch, but we could really use some good thoughts and prayers. This has gone nowhere quick.

Rejected Again?!

Got this about Princess Redhead that we inquiried on back in November.....

"I wanted to update you and your husband. We did meet on Tuesday of this week to make decisions about Princess Redhead. The agency has decided to interview 2 families currently. They did not choose you and your husband at this time. I don't want to keep you holding, but at the same time these interviews may not be the end all in the process of searching for Princess Redhead. I feel that you both are strong candidates and had you as my top two choices that I presented to the agency. We will move along over the next two weeks two establish interviews. I spoke with J and I do not want to withdraw your home study, but I also do not want to give false hope. Please feel free to call me, I understand that it is sometimes easier to gain understanding through conversation rather than email! I also wanted you to know decisions now and not hold on for several more weeks as this has been a long process and you have patiently waited for it take place!

Thank you for your commitment and time while we have searched for this placement."

If we're her top choice, why would the agency not even consider us?! :( I don't understand. 

Mom for a weekend

the most precious weekend of my life was the weekend of my 42nd birthday. Lil Miss H was my baby for the weekend and I cherished every minute of it.

Having a hard time seeing how somebody else should be her parents. We fell hard for this 'lil angel.  I just hope and pray daily that she doesn't think we rejected her and that she knows both families wanted her.

She drew this for me and one for "daddy" too. We'll keep them forever.

Living with a broken heart

When 'lil miss came to visit, she told she was scheduled to visit another family too.  She visited another family the week after us. Despite having that connection and loving her so much and all of us feeling like family, her worker chose the other family, who's visit also went well.

My heart is broken. Why have her visit and then take her away for us never to see again?

They said we did nothing wrong, the visit went well, we had all the right trainings, they loved us, etc, but ultimately it was a hard choice and they chose the other family.  It's not normal to have 2 families actually meeting the child. I don't get thow that makes sense for either of us?

Will we ever get over this? I miss this precious little girl so much. My heart feels not only broken, but shredded into little pieces.

Bubbles and Baby Dolls

This past weekend we had our first weekend visit with Lil Miss H.

It was such a wonderful weekend and we love this little angel so much already.  It's crazy how quickly she feels like family.

We had a full weekend starting Friday night and ending Sunday afternoon.  Despite being told we'd have to fight to get her to take a shower, bathtime was fun.  Bubbles and water everywhere. We have a huge bathroom, which she seemed to find super cool and yet if there was a dry spot in the bathroom after her baths, I don't know where it was.

I got in the shower the next morning and naked baby dolls were in the tub. That's when reality set in that we really have a little girl in the house. Oh, how I can't wait for her to be back to us.  We miss her!!

Most amazing little girl in the world

If we could have brought her home today, we would have.  Today was one of the best days of my life….until we had to say goodbye for now, that is.

I fell in love immediately and my first words to my husband was "omg, you HAVE to look up NOW, she's absolutely the most adorable little girl I've ever seen!!"

My heart is going to be so crushed if this doesn’t work out. She is the most amazing little girl and so positively perfect. She told me about her dream last night, dreaming about the slide at McDonalds, had us watch her purse while she played, eyes wide open with amazement and the story of Santa’s reindeer in our yard last year.  Such a pleasant day.  She had an oreo flurry, which happens to be my favorite flavor ice cream!

We went to a playground afterwards and played, took a walk and had a great time.  I can see daddys girl in her future. .....on his shoulders and waving to friends, calling for them to look. It’s so obvious she's ready for a family and I hope it’s us.  I turned to mush when she reached for hubbys hand.  We took a walk down to the dog park where she wanted to look at the dogs, and if we could go to our house for awhile and see Arlo.  We got to watch her interact with other kids and see how outside the box she plays vs others. My kid in spirit at least.

Such a perfect day. At the end though, she wouldn’t say bye to us and didn’t want to leave. We didn’t either. I got in the car and cried because I was already missing you. Hubby looked over and said “I know, I miss her too”

Side note: there was a buzzard there today too. Little Miss noticed it and pointed out the “eagle” or I’d have never noticed <3

I think I could throw up....

so totally stressed right now, excited and stressed together.

We heard back today.  Lil Miss H's worker wants us to come meet her Saturday. YES!! We get to meet our future kiddo.
How exciting.

or not......she also gets to meet the other family in the top 2. I'm a wreck. What if Lil Miss H gravitates right to them and not interested in us? I keep telling myself....  ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31

I try to believe that. I really do.  I don't always though. I keep wondering why the journey has been so difficult, why so many challenges, what we did to deserve this? 

Husband is calm as a cucumber. He feels fine that she'll like us fine and we'll be the ones matched. 

Only we could be in the finals on an unusual circumstance where the child meets more than one set of prospective parents.   What will I do if we get rejected? It'd crush me to meet her and then not get to be her mommy.

I keep telling myself all these multiple obstacles we had to cross to get this far, surely God wouldn't bring us to it if He wouldn't bring us through it.

Could use some serious prayers though!!

Control Tower

I haven't been on here lately because I'm so overwhelmed with excitement, I can't put my thoughts into words, but then I heard an analogy that put together how I'm thinking.

The pilot gets in the plane, can't see everything through the clouds and the control tower is responsible for telling the pilot when to turn, descend, ascend, etc.  Through it all, the pilot gets us where we're going, but it is 90% adjustment from it's current path.  Rarely is it a straight line.

The adoption journey for us hasn't been a straight line either.

We had an interview on Princess M last March. It went extremely well and yet, we weren't chosen. In the final 2 and the other couple was chosen.

We had an interview on Lil Miss H Friday. I'm afraid to be hopeful. We've been hopeful in the past and it fall through, but it's all been a very crooked line.

Lil Miss H we found last fall. She was on adoptuskids with her siblings.  We found her and Princess Redhead at the same time.  I tried to talk the hubby into applying for them, but he said no, 3 was too many, so we only applied for Princess Redhead. I kept her on my watch list anyway as I prayed for them.  Apparently though I did more than watch because when she was separated from her younger siblings, I got a notice asking if we were still interested even though it was only 1.  Not only only 1, but THE one that I really felt something for. I told the hubby and he said "quick, call our worker".

We called our worker....7 weeks later she STILL had not submitted our home study and she said Lil Miss H already had a prospective family. I was furious and hurt and so was DH. I literally cried myself to sleep that night, it felt like everyone was working against us and that if our worker wasn't advocating for us, then we were doomed.

Despite that, I reached out to see if she was really placed. Turns out our worker saw the siblings status and not her status, she thought they'd been placed together (I don't REALLY believe that, I think that was her excuse to not admit she forgot to submit our study), but in any event, that Friday she submitted our home study.  Her worker had a meeting and eliminated the unacceptable families. We were in the "explore more info" pile as a potential family.

Princess Redheads worker reached out Monday and told us the deal with her and that a little more time was needed. (we interviewed on her by phone a few weeks ago)

Lil Miss H's worker reached out to us directly on Monday and told us a little about this 'lil angel and asked if we were willing and able to accomodate her worst behavioral issues.  We asked a couple questions to clarify and decided we still were very interested.  On Wednesday, she reached out and requested a face to face interview and on Friday we had an interview.

We think it went very well. They seemed to like us and think we could be good for her, but of course, we have to wait and they are interviewing one more family before a decision is made.

I keep thinking about the control tower and the crooked journey. God had to work serious miracles to get this young lady in our path, to get our home study submitted, to get us considered despite all these odds. If He can do that, I'm sure He can get us approved for her.

I'm terrified. She has some pretty severe issues, and yet, that's EXACTLY the child I want, as does the husband.  It feels right. I hope I'm not wrong. I almost think Princess M last March may have been a way to prepare us for this one, she's eeirily similar.  As a result, we ended up focusing more of our training on those type issues in case we ran into another like her or if her adoption disrupted (in which case, we knew we'd be called)

Either way, say a prayer for both of these young ladies. I think I know what direction we're suppose to go in. I'm just not sure others are on the same page yet. Time will tell what the control tower (God) has in store for us.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours ~Mark 11:24

His Will?

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

(Proverbs 16:9) NIV

Back in January 2011, I found out an employee was pregnant. She claimed she was on birth control, but we all know how that goes. I figured she just didn’t want to admit she was lax and/or wanted a baby.

In August, baby Gabby was born, she has been a blessing to us all, and amazingly I have never been jealous at all over her. I just enjoy her cuddly hugs and beautiful smile.

All through our adoption journey, we keep getting told we’ll have the child God wants us to have and we just hadn’t found the child he wants us to have yet, that he’s still preparing her, blah, blah, blah. You know? All the things you really don’t want to hear. It’s His timing, it’s meant to be, it’s His will. The whole time, despite my faith in God, I haven’t bought into that. I think our free will affects the destination we arrive at on our journey. After all, God may not plan for me to die right now, but how many times can I run out in front of a truck before it kills me, even when it’s not the original plan.

Admittedly, I have struggled with my aggravation over the lackadaisical attitude of our adoption worker and the numerous kids we haven’t even been considered for because she dropped the ball and didn’t get the info requested or submit our home study.

 Back to J for a moment and her baby Gabby….after Gabby was born, J decided to use Mirena for her birth control and prevent a repeat with the pills. Well, back in November, her Mirena FELL OUT. VERY weird. Her doctor said that rarely happens and has only known of 3 instances of this, to come back in and she’d put a new one in and she’s NEVER seen it happen twice, so no worries. Late December, yep, you guessed it, her Mirena fell out again. Needless to say, they determined she’s not a good candidate for this and put her back on the pill. Last night the news had an announcement that her pill has been recalled, as it was released without the active ingredient and is not effective for birth control.

We’ve been teasing her endlessly over Gabby having a new brother/sister so quickly, but then the thought went to God’s plans and how the best way to make Him laugh is to make plans. His plans WILL prevail.

Somehow all that happening gave me hope, that maybe we WILL find our child despite all the obstacles along the way. Surely God can fix this situation when I’m unable to fix it. If He can make 3 birth controls fail in somebody trying so hard NOT to have a baby, surely He wouldn’t give me desire for children and not let me find them.

Coincidentially or not, shortly after having this good laugh for the morning about J and her potential pregnancy, our adoption worker e-mailed. The beautiful ‘lil girl we wanted our name in the hat for and she’d said she’d been matched and our home study had never been submitted for (yes, the one in the post below)…..they want to review our home study after all.

Coincidence or not, I’ll take it. It gives us hope that God can move when others aren’t.  I attached this video because this is 'lil Miss H's favorite song. How appropriate for this post. 

Open Book Test

The Lord tests the righteous ~Psalm 11:5

I have a dear friend that is battling her mom going through cancer and I remember the trials of going through that with my own mother. Her faith just seems so unshaken. I'm humbled by her faith and feel guilty that I struggle with having faith that we'll ever find our child.

I have another dear friend that is battling watching her own child with depression.

All around me, I have strong friends with constant faith and I think at times, their faith helps me keep my faith. 

Life is so easy when you're up on the mountain.  I would just love to see that mountain again. Occassionally, some spark of hope will shine thru the trees and I realize I'm not alone. 

Over the past week, I've had numerous frustrations with the adoption journey. I found out one of the cuties we requested consideration of, our home study never got sent. I don't understand how this happens.  I haven't wanted to vent to my friends much, because as I said above, they have pretty serious issues to deal with themselves. This journey has been going on 3 years, I'm sure I can see them through this journey and THEN still have time to vent.

But back to this open book test--Proverbs tells us the refining is to remove the impurities from the metal and God is testing us to make us stronger, exercising muscles that wouldn't get stronger if we only lifted 5 lb weights. I can't help but think by the time we find our child, with this much refining, firing and training, he's either preparing us for a challenging child or we'll be the greatest parents ever. Why do I think challenging child is probably the answer....lol.  That's okay though, it's where our heart is. 

The larger the task ahead, the bigger test that is required now. Not to hurt us, but because He doesn't want us in a position where we can't handle it.  It's so hard not to think of it as punishment though.  How often over the many years of marriage have I wondered why I'm being punished and want to be a good mommy and never have had our miracle to us after so many years. 

If only I could remember to walk by faith constantly, not just now and again.

Husband and I were talking the other day that if Princess Redhead doesn't work out for us, we may as well give up, because we've had glaring evidence that things are working against us.  On the other hand though, would God have put this desire here and not answer it.  If only I could decode this open book test.

My prayer for our daughter

I don’t know what our childs future holds, nor do I even know when she’ll come home to us, but I love her so deeply and I’m trusting in you to take good care of our ‘lil girl. In the meantime, we have so many hopes and dreams for her and yet I need to remember she’s your creation, not mine and I have to wait on you and follow your directions. Thank you in advance for entrusting me and her daddy to taking care of her. We do love her so much.  Some days I think about how many years are behind her, but then I realize also how many years are ahead of her. I know I need your help. Increase our faith to believe that you can do what we can’t even dream. Show me how to pray for her. Put her needs on my heart. I don’t want her to miss out on your plan for her life. Help me guide her to the paths you’ve predestined for her. Please secure her future and show favor on her. I pray for your protection over her mind and her heart, but also over us as her parents. Help us be aware of her needs as her parents. Help me listen to your guidance and prompting in our lives as a family. Help remind me in the bad times as well as the good times to keep praising you and thanking you for bringing this princess into our home and allowing her to be our daughter. She’s a treasure beyond belief. Work in us and through us to lift her up. I love you and thank you. AMEN!!

Angels are all around us, as far as the heart can see.

Persistence in everything.....

Have you ever watched Where the Red Fern Grows?  I can't help but admire Billy's determination through it all.
Something that really hit me while watching it though was when he was in grandpa's store and he told him to quit waiting for something to happen (getting his dogs) and meet God half way. Billy started working his butt off to earn his dogs and not only did he get his dogs, but got a discount due to the depression and ended up with a little extra.

Billy wanted those dogs so much that it affected his sleep and all his habits. Given the situation he was in, it would have been so much easier for him to give up. But he was tenacious and earned his dogs....quality dogs and you could see Billy mature through the movie as he set his goal and worked through it. I really, really want to have a family and a little girl to call my own. Here we.....5 failed fertility treatments in 2008 and 2009 and signed up in 2009 to adopt and still waiting in 2012.

Even after he got his dogs, Billy stopped at nothing, staying up forever to chop that big tree down, eventually calling on God for help to knock it down. He was willing to keep on and his persistence had no limits.

How many of us just sit back and wait for what we want instead of working towards our goal? How many of us fail to call on God for help to knock it down? Determination is good for us to have....more than anything.

Having a dream eats at our heart until it's unbearable....want it? Do something about it. It took Billy several years, but he achieved his dream. Without that first step in the right direction, he'd still be without his dogs.

We could take a lesson from this. I'm beyond frustrated with the lack of involvement from our recruiter, but we keep finding kids because we're persistent and one day, one of these will pan out for us.  I hope it's soon.

Choices

Every year we have a kickoff meeting at work. The last few years it's been in Baltimore. After much thought and deliberation, back in July, I stepped down in my role from district manager to branch manager. Most of the time, I've been very happy with that choice.  I love my job again. I do miss that power though.

 A manager opening came open in the town I live in, work was driving me nuts, but more importantly, one precious little angel that we'd submitted interest in and seemed to otherwise be a good match for, we were turned down for because of my work hours and so much travelling. I've enjoyed my new role a bunch, but I must admit occassionally I feel those pangs of missing the power I had. Isn't that sad? Of all the things, salary, company car, laptop, perks, I miss those obviously, but the power was harder to give up.  Go figure, I lost 15K in salary, who knows what in bonuses yet, the company car and a laptop, yet, it's the power I miss.

I was dreading kickoff, the first time I'd see many of my peers since stepping down. Not all know the reason, I'm sure there is spectulation and rumors. Oddly enough though, it went well.

I just knew it was going to be very difficult to go to this meeting, not being in the middle management role and having a say in things going on, but being among those that are being talked TO, instead of doing the presenting. Branch manager and below have to share rooms. District Manager and below get their own rooms. This was a probably mentally for me, so I offered to pay 1/2 to being able to keep my own room. Thankfully, this request was honored.

I got there and it was initially a tad awkward knowing people would know I'd stepped down, but very few would know why and probably would assume the worst. Oddly enough, though, it wasn't near as difficult as I anticipated. I get to be buddies with cool people and not have the responsibility of making sure people behave. That was cool.

But the really great thing.......they requested we all bring in toys to the kickoff meeting and anybody that brought toys or sent toys could wear jeans Wednesday. My team really stepped up to the plate and sent tons of toys. We KNEW they'd go to a great cause, but image my surprise when I got here and they're going to foster children. That made me very happy.  I was so excited that I had overdone it a little with the toys, once I knew the whole story. Here I am stressed out over going to a company meeting because of my change in role and get there and find the very kids I feel such an urgency for are the very ones the company is helping.


Not sure why, but for some reason that just made me more sure I'd made the right decision to step down and I'm more at peace and less anxiety over being in big groups with people at the company looking at me in a different position.

Once I got home, I got an e-mail from a lady we'd met back in November. We'd went to a match reception and found a young lady that just looks and feels like she'd fit right in with us.  She asked when we could interview. Naturally, we said tomorrow!!

We left our worker out of the loop on this one. To date, we haven't seemed to have much help from her and in a few cases, have seemed to get conflicting messages from the workers we've met in our travels to find a child. We shall see who's right.

The interview went great. Our training we've focused on is geared towards EXACTLY what this angel needs.  She said she's 100% comfortable with recommending us, but of course, as always, there are a couple others to interview and the next step should probably be in 3 or so weeks. I'll be a wreck til then.  I really would LOVE to be this angels new, forever mom!


Always a reminder of the journey and why I made the choices I've made. I hope one day these choices will prove to be fruitful.

Double Grrrrr!!

Months ago, a precious sibling set of 3 came up for adoption with our agency.  Unfortunately, we're looking more for 1.  They were SOOOOOOOOOO cute though and I felt something for them, so on adoptuskids, I put them on the watch list just to get updates and know they were okay.

Last month, their status changed and the oldest child was removed from the set. The youngest two were placed in a pre-adoptive family and the oldest up for adoption.  We immediately put in our request for our case worker to send our home study.  Bear in mind this was a MONTH ago, EASY!!

Last week, she STILL had not sent our home study in. She said her worker was on maternity leave and not making decisions yet and would send our home study next week when she returned.

Yesterday, on one website she's marked as adoption pending. On another, removed altogether. I'm SOOOOOOOO furious, as is my husband.  I'm at a loss on what to do. There are no other agencies that service our area. She's the only case worker with the agency we deal with.  This journey has been going on for what seems like an eternity.

Is it too much to ask to act in the childs best interests, even if you're not willing to help us?  The child SHOULD have the ability for her worker to review all interested parties and be able to be selective.  Her "hurt parts" are exactly where our strengths lie and yet, we can't even be considered?

I seriously feel like crying now. 

One thing to get turned down for a child you express interest in, another thing altogether to not even be considered.  Seriously? Is this how the system works or is it just our worker?

Another Year, Optimism Renewed?

Oh, the magical time of the year, New Year to give us a New Hope.   What is it about a new year that gives me hope? Every year that we don't have our dream fulfilled, I think "well, this one is the year". 

Even if 2011 was a good one, there is just something about a clean slate and well, truthfully, 2011 wasn’t a great year for me, so I’m excited about new things to come in 2012.

I keep thinking about this and that, some of which is controllable and others, well, if only our life circumstances would change for the better…..ie. getting matched with our kiddo!! This is getting ridiculous. I’d make a resolution on how to achieve that goal if I had any idea what was going wrong.

Wishes just remaining floating in the area and thought we have great hopes, we don’t always take action into fulfilling those wishes. So, 2012….bring it on….let’s work on the controllables!

I read this this week and it cracked me up, but it’s so true: New Years Resolutions are like a baby…..fun to make, but hard to maintain

2012 resolutions:

· Don’t use credit cards except for child or travel, specifically adoption related

· Payoff 2 bills….switching jobs to take care of our non-existent daughter really played havoc on the budget, need to get this in control so we don’t "feel" broke all the time

· Earn top manager bonus in district each month/quarter

· Implement attachment parenting when we find our child and practice it daily, continue to learn on attachment parenting through training, reading and following Last Mom Blog, as well as experience. Last Mom is such an inspiration!

· Spend 10-15 minutes a day on housekeeping so it doesn’t get behind again (what happened over the past 60 days?! Ugh!!)

· Spend at least a couple hours a week doing something I enjoy as a hobby, just for me, that is NOT Farmville!! Farmville takes up way too much of my time. And no, words with friends will not be considered a suitable replacement, nor will any other Facebook games. Perhaps, take the camera around with me and go to lunch occasionally and take a photo safari to spend time with myself. I rarely "go" out of the office for lunch. This could be good for me to focus on trying to enjoy my hobby.

· Eat a fruit or veggie every night with dinner—potatoes don’t count!