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Sunday, September 30, 2012

One Door Closes, Another Opens

One very odd thing about this journey is just the occassional glimmer of hope at precisely the right moment.

The child separated from siblings in my earlier post, we received more information about her and unfortunately, she's not a good match for us and we're not a good match for her.

Our worker sent us an e-mail indicating she didn't think it was a great match, but wanted to know our opinion and if we still wanted to be considered.  Our response?

"Could we handle her? Yes
 Would we be good at it? Yes, probably
Should we? Probably not

We stated our home study preferences based on where our heart is at and given her needs seem to exceed our home study approvals, we agree with you, that we'd do best by her, us and our future child to withdraw. Severe issues do not scare us, we're pretty determined and not quitters. That said, we both really believe our future child's issues are more emotional and behavioral and we'll hold out for another "H" or "M" type to come up."
(for viewers here, H and M are 2 separate girls with pretty big emotional and behavioral issues we came in 2nd for on both occassions)
I went to sleep heavy hearted, even knowing this was a wise choice for our family.  Heavy hearted because I felt like we'd just thrown away a lead and given up on a very sweet dear child, but as DH says "we weren't meant to 'save them all', there is a special child out there that is meant JUST for US" and hopefully this precious child will find the parents she's meant to have. 
The next day I got an e-mail from one of my adoption buddies titled "I found your child".   I opened it up and my heart literally skipped a beat.  She looks like I birthed her. I read her profile and if we want to adopt an emotionally scarred child with big behavioral issues and help her and that's our dream, well, her profile is definitely the picture of a challenged child. 
We've expressed interest. Now back to the waiting.
Very odd how after a day of heartbreak, there is always another glimmer of hope to take over.  We can go months between leads, but as soon as one lead closes, another always opens.
Whether this is our child or not, we're not far enough to know.  What I do know though, is these "glimmers of hope" aka "leads" are what keeps us in it. Otherwise, we'd have surely given up with wide gaps in between. 
This is a picture I took on the way to my last fertility treatment back in early 2009.  At the time, I was hopeful thinking it meant good things for the treatment. After it didn't work, I look back and realize maybe it was just a promise that "everything would be okay".  Notice the raindrops on the windshield, the tears of that failed treatment.
I keep clinging to that thought and remind myself daily "everything WILL be okay" and one day I'll look back on this time as a learning journey and well worth the wait.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Eternal Optimiist?

We are eternal optimists. Once again, we got our tickets for the Nutcracker. Once again, we got 3 tickets.  2nd row!!! End seats!

I know we can find somebody to go with us if need be, but it sure would be extra special if OUR child would be the one going with us. We’d let her pick out a new Nutcracker to take home as a new Christmas tradition. I know, sounds sappy, but sometimes dreams do come true.

Here's to wishes coming true!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Random Blessings.....

So, now the little girl from the sibling set is waiting for a home. Expressing interest, hopeful that we’ll hear something and afraid to let myself believe that we can be considered after so much heartbreak along the way.

Susan put this on my wall and asked for prayers for us.

A “random” (and I use the word random very loosely) lady ventured in to tell her story of adoption and heartbreak along the way and how very happy she is now.

She was matched with a precious little girl and at the last minute, the birth mom changed her mind.  She was obviously devastated, as we were after Princess H’s visit and then her being placed elsewhere.

On Christmas Eve, she was online filling out a random adoption survey. The odds of case workers being in the office on Christmas Eve were slim to none, but yet, somebody saw her on there, she shared her story and 2 weeks later, this guy that was there that night listening to her story, walked in on a meeting of case workers trying to decide where to place 2 beautiful little girls. He said he knew the right home for them and shared this ladies info.  They were placed with her and while it’s not what she thought would happen, she said there has never been a shadow of doubt that these kids were meant for her and her for them.

“God is the master of random blessings

~my random visitor to my fb wall

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Perfect day....

The hubby and I had a nice conversation tonight, lighthearted, for no real reason other than our brain went down that path. Who can figure out the whys?

It started with the Citi commercial where the guy is dumped because he's boring and he starts using his Citi card to do all these cool things.  DH and I were talking about how that was silly to go spend a ton of money pretending to be somebody you aren't to impress an ex.  My comment was "if he's not right for her, she's not right for him either". 

We talked about how lucky we were to find each other and he said he had to wait so long to meet me because he had to work out his childhood trauma to be ready to receive my love.

Then, I go on my favorite bulletin board and read this post:

"It took me a year to get pregnant the first time...and I cried everytime I started my period. But the MOMENT I held my baby girl in my arms - I thanked God that EVERY other time I had not been pregnant. If I had gotten pregnant at any other moment then I would not have been holding my sweet precious perfect girl.

And then I realized - God had my children picked out for me and I just had to wait for them - and they were so worth the wait!!!!!"

As I read that and realized it's back to back with our conversation on how us meeting was destiny and seeing this was just reassurance not to give up on this journey, our child is meant to be with us and it will happen. It's discouraging to wait on finding our 'lil one and quite frankly, keep wondering if it's worth all the heartache, but then just a song, or a comment or something seemingly meaningless like a conversation regarding a commercial makes me realize every day we wait is a day closer to finding that child that we're meant to have and then we'll realize that if we weren't right for the others along the journey, they weren't right for us either.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I found I have very good instincts on these kids.  There have been very few sibling profiles that I've expressed interested in because hubby prefers a singlet.  One sibling set we requested consideration for was the one with Princess H, who later got split from her siblings and we were considered for.  I did that on a whim wanting HER, but overwhelmed with the idea of 3.  We found another set of 3, I read their bio and I told hubby "the risk factors seem to indicate that these 3 are not likely to get to be placed together, I'm submitted regardless in case they have to separate them". Today we got notice they'd been separated.  Unfortunately, the 2 we felt we could handle were the 2 already placed.  Oh well, Not surprised and really it helped to know that my instincts lead us well.  Now to find OUR child....wish us luck!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Arlo and the babies

After the visit with the 16 year old, I have to say I really enjoyed how well her and Arlo got along and part of me thought despite all the other issues that make us want a young child, maybe we should consider how rambunctious our furkid Arlo is. 

We got to test that.  Our dog sitter while we went on vacation has a 12 month old and I was worried he'd be too rough with her, but instead he just loved on her, they played hide and seek, chased each other and kissed each other. 

We had a pool party and he gravitated towards the smallest kids and was very gentle with them.  The 18 month old offered him potato chips, which he declined, but he did offer her kisses in return.
So, that makes me feel better to see how he just seems to get along with kids in general and adapts.  

Short Term, Decisions and Clarity

Several years back, we inquired on a girl that we knew very little about. We received no information, despite tons of follow up.

A few weeks back, we were called to do respite (or as it's now being called short term care) for a 16 year old girl.  We were excited to say yes and alternating between excited and annoyed that this is the same child that we inquired on several years back.  She's way out of our age range now and it's annoying that she's still in care.  She is an amazing girl. 

Honestly, if we'd already adopted our first child, we'd consider her.  After a short visit with her and a weekend with an 8 year old, we know we'll definitely be more exhausted in our age range, but it also confirmed that our age range is right for us.  LOVED the 16 year old, but it made me cry to see how independent she is and how I wouldn't be able to baby her.  We were asked to consider adopting her and it breaks my heart to turn her down, knowing how we love her, but even so, we know that doing so would block the child that is meant to be with us and as DH says "we can't save them all"

What a bittersweet weekend to take her back home.

She is also an excellent artist, check this out. I don't know if you can tell, but the heart is breaking :(  She's funny, sweet, caring, but obviously sad deep down.  I hope she finds a great forever family and I hope her foster mom lets us borrow her again for a weekend here and there.