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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Sex Education

How open are you with your kids?

Kiddo is getting to the point where she's hearing enough outside to question the stuff we've talked about when sharing the birds and bees and wanting to know stuff in more detail.

It's scary finding that spot of honesty, answering the questions without going too deep and traumatizing her and without avoiding and making her feel like it's something wrong.

I'm so glad she feels comfortable asking questions and talking to me instead of getting her information from other teenagers.

I told her I'm glad she talks to me and that if we always are that open with each other, then things can only get better.

The good news is right now she still thinks sex sounds creepy.  :)

Oh, and somehow she wondered if 2 years after marriage was appropriate.

I was so tempted to say yes. ;)

topics she wanted to know about: sex, how and when; masterbation, wet dreams and when they stop for boys and why and what constitutes being a slut. Uh, yeah!!

Update on adopting the sister

We put C back in therapy to make sure she'd be ready for baby sis to move in.  Her therapist says she is NOWHERE NEAR ready for her sister to move in.

C is very upset that she feels like this is ruining them being back together.

We sent an e-mail to S's worker and said C's therapist feels she can't handle it right now and to continue looking for a home for S and that if C improves and gets okay to not be an only child before S is placed in a forever home, then we'll gladly do it but right now it's just not possible.

We got a response back and let C know that she can relax, what was said and done in therapy didn't change a thing and not to blame herself (because we know she would and has been and that's why being so mean)(

The response:
"I completely understand. Thanks for that heads-up. S is having a difficult time, ever since they changed her meds (in anticipation that out-patient docs would change them), and her biggest trigger is seeing another child receiving attention. So, she is not ready to live with C either, and may never be able to live with any child since that particular trigger seems to result (sometimes) in her becoming physically aggressive to the other child, unprovoked.

It is good for C to go back to therapy since visits will be more regularly scheduled now (hopefully), and since you want to try overnights as soon as the girls are ready for that. Then we’ll see how that goes before planning weekends or anything else. I think we all agree that a lot of caution is necessary. We will continue looking for a home for S in the meantime.

Thanks again"



Traumaversary

May 2012 C was removed from her last adoptive family
June 2008 C was removed from her birth family

You can imagine the feelings and fear that go through her mind at this time of the year.

This year has been FAR worse than last.  Triggering over seemingly nothing and going over the top with her tantrums. I'm going nuts. Most horrible day of my life was Saturday and honestly, I don't know that losing either of my parents hurt as much as I was hurting for those hours on Saturday.

Things have calmed down for the moment, but this was after it getting so bad I thought we'd have to call in outside help.  It was scary.

I hate seeing my child suffering like this. I hate that she has to go through this. I hate that WE have to go through it too for that matter.

We went to the beach last week and temper tantrum scared us so bad and crushed our hearts forever.
Started when she was pouting on the beach because she didn’t want to get in the water and we went back to the room.  Once in the room, she started screaming that we weren’t family and never would be, she’d never be our daughter and she wishes she could go back to birth family, we don’t share blood, she doesn’t love us and never has, she just wanted to get out of Hallmark and now she’s finding out we’re worse than Hallmark, she’s running away, getting raped on the street would be better than staying with us, we wouldn’t let her do what she wanted (but wouldn’t say what she wanted to do), we are in it for the money and don’t love her or care about her, screamed that she wanted to call her old social worker to pick her up if we wouldn’t take her home right that second.

Reasons she said Saturday:

  • ·         Hates the beach and didn’t want to ruin it for us by telling us beforehand (despite that she loved it last year and went there to celebrate adoption too)
  • ·         Bathing suit was itchy
  • ·         Too windy
  • ·         Afraid bathing suit would fall down
  • ·         Mad because I wouldn’t take her back to room to change when I had suggested it before and she refused
  • ·         Too crowded
  • ·         Mad that we will not let her quit therapy, said  wrong about her not being ready for S and mad that we would listen to that
  • ·         Worried about S (sister)
  • ·         Says her and sister should be together and therapist is wrong to say shouldn’t, so wants to quit therapy
  • ·         SW shouldn’t have promised to keep them together and not done it and it’s our fault
  • ·         Last dad tried to drown her and that’s why hates the beach
  • ·         Mad because this dad wouldn’t take her swimming in the ocean because of the meltdown and not going in the other time they went down

Monday:
had another tantrum when dad wanted to go to store because it meant she’d miss TV show, compared him to the last dad that abused her, said didn’t trust him, running away (put TV in garage)

Reasons she said:

  • ·         Worried about sister S
  • ·         Worried that she’ll mess up this family because this is the longest she’s been with a family
  • ·         She’s still afraid of all men

When offered to put her in day camps, activities since doesn’t trust men and didn’t want to stay with dad during day, she said that wasn’t true, wanted to be home with him, not in other activities away from home.

Came in in the middle of the night and wanted to sleep with us. Been a doll ever since and calmer. 

Oh, and where she wants to go on vacation? OBX. Ummm, C, that's a beach.  Her response? Yeah, but it's not crowded at that beach and I know you two wouldn't drown me or make me go in the ocean, I like the rest.  

Yes, she has huge issues with crowds.  Her hyper vigilance can't work as well in big crowds and it provokes extreme anxiety and we were in a busy part of the beach, while the art show was going on. 


We offered to never go to a beach again if it really was a trigger (although we weren't buying that because she LOVED our vacation at OBX last year). She said no, she wants to go to OBX, but never wants to go to VA Beach again.

Oh, and she retracted everything she said, she said she loves us and doesn't know why she says such mean things when she gets upset and doesn't know why she blames us and feels like she's never going to know how to love right.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

When It's Okay To Quit

We've always been firm believers in sticking it out when it gets tough and generally try to teach our child this.  Last year, kiddo played soccer. She didn't enjoy it, but we made her finish what she started and just didn't enroll her this year. The soccer isn't about us, it was about her, she can choose her activity.

This year, she's been playing softball. It was going better initially. Then all the sudden, meltdowns after meltdowns right before going to the field. She finally said she wanted to quit because the pitcher kept telling her how she was the worst player on the team and they didn't need her. We were livid.

Part of us wanted to make her stick it out, but this poor child has had a lifetime of not being accepted, the last thing we need to do is make her play with people that don't accept her. Softball is suppose to be fun, not a chore.

Yes, we let her quit the team. Yes, we told the coach why.

I was so upset. This is kiddo's first year playing, all the others on the team have been playing together since 2009. Of course they're better. Kiddo had never picked up a ball and glove before then.  I can't believe people are still this way.  I know coaches can't see/hear everything, but at some point, seems like they could have noticed some of it and helped address it before it escalated. They'd already kicked kiddo's BFF off the team for missing practice due to colorguard, so she didn't even have her support system on the field.

So, yeah, in our opinion, if a recreational activity brings back the feelings of rejection you've previously dealt with by having multiple families, that is when this mommy and daddy think it's okay to quit!!

Trauma should not intentionally be repeated.