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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Giving Up

Char is doing a good job of using her coping skills, with 4 showers yesterday, but at 8 pm still no talking.

When I finished laundry, she took her laundry basket and said she'd put her own clothes up.

Momma spidey sense said "uh oh, reason she doesn't want me in her room?"

I went in during her fourth shower and almost all her pictures were turned face down.

Not really sure what that means.

Our family pic collage was still up and her digital frame was still up, but the rest were faced flat down (including BFF and sister)

I decided to wait for her and ask.

First she said she didn't know what was wrong, until I pointed out I noticed the photos down. Then she said she's worried about S.  She said she's worried this new family that was chosen for S will not work out and that they'll give up like everybody else has.

We had a good long talk. She had a headache last night and stayed up for awhile because she couldn't sleep, but I felt like our talk was productive.

Now, to see if that helps how she's doing and if we see our old cheerful Char again soon.

So worried for my baby, my heart breaks daily to see her sad.

Lockdown at School

The local news station announced yesterday that Char's school was on lockdown due to an "issue" with a young female student.

Then a separate announcement about a child running away.

I went in panic mode.

Char's MO used to be running away before she moved in with us.  She's been a little wonky lately so I got alarmed.  Realistically I knew they'd call me if it was my child, but usually I get calls about the lockdown drills and didn't get a call, so I worried something had happened.

Funny how you think you're convinced of healing in a certain area but when you hear of that behavior, you realize you're not.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Proud Momma Moment!

Parent/teacher conferences were Thursday.

We went and I loved hearing about what a joy Char is to have in class.  She's always struggled with school some and in 5th grade when she first got here, she didn't behave at school at all. We were constantly getting calls.

One of her teachers said "You two should have more kids, we need more kids like Char around".

and "Char is so polite and listens well" (cough, cough, who is this and what happened to my daughter?)

"Char participates so well in class and while she seems to struggle with tests, she knows the answers, she volunteers first in class all the time".

So proud of our baby girl.

B average for this semester.  She's come so far.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Stressful Weekend

We went to the zoo Saturday and as we were walking around and I'm hearing parents fussing at their kids and kids getting whiny and grouchy,  I was wondering why so many people call the zoo a happy place. I was thinking I was glad Char is older and enjoying it.

I thought too soon.  Not long thereafter, she started getting tired and grouchy, causing some dysregulation.

We got home and thought things had calmed down and Char asked for her meds a little early for a Saturday and said she was going to bed early.  I went in her room and she was crying. When I asked what was going on, she started screaming and yelling.

Daddy went in and she screamed and yelled some more.

There was no calming her down and by this time I was worked up and crying and hyperventilating.

It was not a pretty sight.

She screamed, yelled, kicked the wall, threw her soda bottle against the floor and was actually scaring me pretty badly how upset she was.

She would scream. Daddy kept repeating over and over again "Char, I love you very much".

We reminded her to use her coping skills and she screamed some more.  She said she was mad that I turned her radio down when I came in and music was a coping skill.  I explained I turned it down so I could hear her and that when we left she could turn it back up, but we were there to see what was wrong.

I suggested she take a shower (another coping skill), listen to some music and come when she's ready to talk, but not to lash out at us for being worried about her.

As of this morning, she still says she has no idea what was going on.

So worried about how upset she's been lately.

I'm guessing it's about her sister, but I really don't know.  I wish I knew. I wish I could help. I feel so helpless.

Thursday, October 9, 2014


We got word today that the family in question has reviewed S's file and has decided to move forward towards adoption.

I was excited about the idea of it and scared to death that they would end up calling us after we agreed to be a resource.

So, why am I sad right now?

We always only wanted 1 child. We always felt like an only child was just right. We've almost always felt like part of the reason she's done so well with us is because she has had individual attention.

so, why am I sad right now?

more importantly though, if I'm feeling sad, what is my baby feeling?

We broke the news to her tonight that her baby sis has finally been matched with a home....the good news....she's only going to be an hour away!!! She handled the news very well.  She's a touch sad and I can tell she's feeling some anxiety, but so glad she'll be close.

Super excited about that!!

Since S is apprehensive about being part of a family and only wants to be here, we've agreed to be a part of the transition process.

S will be meeting her future family soon for a quick meet and greet, but the first or second play date, we'll be meeting up and doing a joint family activity for both our families so she can relax and see she'll still have time with her big sis and that we're all committed to keeping that bond strong.

Praying and hoping for a successful forever home this time (even if we are a tad sad).

Here's to hoping for a happy future for both girls, forever and always!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

On a Brighter Note....PET THERAPY!!!

Dr Burns and Dr Sam would say get rid of the negative thoughts (ie. my depressive thought about being so inadequate and not being able to help my baby) by replacing them with positive thoughts (that we're both better off because our pets are good therapy)

Meet Arlo. Arlo is our 4 year old American Eskimo Dog.  He wrote Char a letter when she was in residential before she came home, introducing himself and letting her know how excited he was to get a sister and how he hoped she was wanting a fuzzy brother like him.  He's been instrumental in helping Char with how well she's done so far....

One of Char's "requirements" of a family was it be a family with a dog, she has always adored dogs and he's one of her "coping skills".  They "got married" with him wearing her Yoshi shirt and her wearing my wedding dress, while playing dress up. He will not swim with us, but he'll play in the snow and chase snowballs all day.

Happily, she fell in love with Bonkers pretty quickly too.  Bonkers is our 12 year old cat, we inherited from my mother. Bonkers, however, was not amused to have a sister that dressed her in baby clothes and pushed her around in baby carriages.


One of my favorite memories is Char's first night with us.  She came in our room late and woke us up and asked me to come "get this crazy cat, she's scaring me, attacking my stuffed animals".  She'd given her a TON of catnip right before bed. Lesson learned. 

Those are the 2 pets she had to greet her when she first came home.

Our pet lover wanted more though.  While we were on our first family vacation, we found out about a bengal (1/2 Asian snow leopard) that was looking for a forever home.  The day after we got home from the beach and I went back to work, Daddy and Char made the trip to Maryland to get this crazy bengal.  She was 3 at the time (4 now) and we named her Rocza.  Rocza and Char are kindred spirits.  Very much tomboys, climbing over everything, very chatty.  Rocza doesn't "get" love.  Char said they are alot alike, they don't "not" love, but they don't really know how to show it that well and feign independence.  Crazy cat even climbs on the jungle gym with her.

and last, but not least, despite that the bengal was adopted on the spur of the moment, that didn't get us out of the promised dog.  

We promised Char a puppy when the adoption was final.  It took several months after finalization to find the perfect puppy, but meet Lucifer, our Siberian Husky.....Char's pride and joy. Luce looks up to Char like she hung the moon and these two are never far from each other.  This one is the crazy pup and he just turned 9 months old this month. Lucifer goes swimming with us, he naps in the hammock with us, claims a couch when watching movies and even gets in the shower with Char.  

He even jumps on the trampoline with her. 

So, this is life in our household.  Our pets are great for all of us and help us get thru the bad spots.  They'll help us this time too.

(she's even adopted a terrapin from the yard before as well)

Depression Sucks!

Oh wait!! This is the second time I've titled my post that way recently.

Well, it does.

I've been battling mine worse lately and decided to take today off to regroup and try to get my bearings back so I can help Char with hers.

I was right about something going on.....

turns out for about a week, she's been going in the bathroom and spitting out her meds after taking them. That's why she's not sleeping.

She said it was because she's been having nightmares.

This morning she was off the wall with crazies before school and on the way to school started crying so much and said she's been feeling really depressed the last 2 months and was afraid to tell me because she was afraid we'd be mad at her.

Calling psych to get her an appointment to review meds and see if she needs a different med or a different dose of the med she's on.

I pulled over immediately, hugged her and told her I will NEVER be mad at her for telling me how she's feeling and being honest.  I get angry when she's not telling me the truth, but something like this, she should NOT be dealing with alone.

I asked if she knew what her trigger was.  So far, she claims it's "just" missing her sister, as if that isn't enough.

I suggested a playdate, but I haven't heard back on that.

I'm trying to straighten up the house because when the house isn't chaos, my brain doesn't feel so chaotic.  I think I'll start with her room instead of leaving it though, because maybe having a freshly cleaned room will help her as well.

Now, to battle the depression enough to get the energy to do something around here today. I really just want to sleep the day away.

So worried about my baby girl.  I hate that she's feeling like this and my heart is breaking.