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Sunday, February 7, 2016

Changes, Changes

Kiddo has come so far.

Hubs got a call out of the blue for a job interview, specifically for a job he didn't even apply for.  It was offered to him this week and he accepted.

Shortly after, I got extreme anxiety about it.

He's been stay at home dad ever since kiddo moved in.

I've always been a believer in a parent staying home if they could afford to, but she's 14 now, it seemed like a good move.

My anxiety was horrible.

Hubs didn't feel at peace either, but his didn't seem triggered by worrying about her.

He's backed out and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I have a meeting out of town this week and the idea of kiddo not having daddy home when she got home and my being 6+ hours away had me so stressed.

I felt so guilty for telling him how much it bugged me.

The bad part is at this age, it's a matter of time before finding a job becomes very difficult (especially in an area like ours).  He could use some grown up time and somebody other than me and kiddo to talk to.

But, for now, I'm so relieved my baby will not be alone while I'm out of state.

eta: Kiddos reaction.....rolled her eyes when he told her he turned the job down and he said "Well, you're our #1 priority".  He caught her grinning as she turned her head.

She was claiming she was okay with staying alone for almost 2 hours a day, but she masks well, so we weren't sure.

Saturday, January 23, 2016


with mine being the worst.

All 3 of us, same time.  It was bad.

Kiddo had a bad morning, with a major case of the grouchies. Hubs had woken up on the wrong side of the bed too and wasn't picking his battles.  It was the day before shark week for me and I was on edge too.

Kiddo lost her temper, showed her butt.

I told her she could ride the bus, that I was going to work and wasn't going to be yelled at like that and told her "turn it around if you want a ride", otherwise I was leaving and going to work.  She has always said she hates riding the bus, too noisy, etc.  We've always said we'd happily take her as long as it was a pleasant drive.  I also let her pick the radio station on the mornings that go smoothly.  We told her several times "redo" if things going badly, that being a car rider is a priviledge, not a right.

I went and waited in the car while she got her coat and she proceeded to cuss hubs out.

Cursing doesn't happen unless she's extremely dysregulated and disassociating.  Something triggered her to a different point in her life and she ran out the door with hubs telling her to take the bus home because of what she'd said to him.

Us in our own dysregulation from being yelled at (a trigger for us) didn't have us parenting for connection, as we normally would.

I was in tears and yelled.

Hubs was dead serious about not picking her up. He called the school and told them he wouldn't be able to pick her up and that she'd need to ride the bus, which bus to ride, that she's always been a car rider and to please make sure she gets on the right bus and off at the right stop.

I was terrified she'd run away (her go to move before coming to live with us)

I cried off and on all day over the morning.

Hubs told me not to worry, that the school would put her on the bus and he'd pick her up at the bus stop, but that she needed a little tough love to show she couldn't be the bully she was being that morning.

He met her at the bus stop......

him and I were prepared for WWIII.

Result.....she LOVED it. She got over the fear of riding the bus. One of her besties and a crush ride the bus. She immediately apologized and said she was out of line, hugged us and said she'd like to ride the bus home a couple times a week and hang out with friends.

So, what started as a horrible day ended up resulting in exposure therapy and a breakthrough.

So glad that we can only mess up things so far.  Most of my tears were over my reaction and not being in a connective way.  It all worked out though.

Needing to be a healthy mom....

I've had back pain since 2001, increasing over the past couple years to high levels.  My primary doc sent me to pain specialist. He looked at my MRI and asked me a few questions and what he said really struck me weird, but sorta hit home for me as a possibility. He said I definitely have degenerative disc disease but that the description of my pain didn't match that, that it appears it's my muscles that are causing the pain more than the discs. After a few more questions, he said he'd almost bet that I have sleep apnea and muscle fatigue as a result of that and sent me back to my PCP to look into it, saying injections wouldn't help long term.

I had my first sleep screening and got the results Thursday. The doc said I had 200 "events" (and described what she meant, but most I didn't understand), but short version is over 30 points to sleep apnea and while it didn't appear I ever quit breathing (thank God), that I have significant sleep apnea and will be going to a full sleep study next before determining best course of treatment.

Both doctors said this can: reduce the # of headaches I have, reduce my back pain, reduce my fatigue, reduce my blood pressure, increase my energy, decrease depression and anxiety and help me sleep better and even help me lose weight.

I'm so ridiculously excited to have a diagnoses thats fixable!!

And better yet, all my problems at once!! lol

I need more energy. I feel like I could be such a better momma and wife if I could just not feel so fatigued constantly.

Sunday, January 17, 2016


I always feel like we're failing in the area of showing patience, but apparently we do better than I give us credit for.

Kiddo and I were curled up together watching funny videos.

She loves her husky puppy so we were looking at husky puppy videos and there were several with a husky and a baby.  In all of the videos the husky was so gentle with the baby and let the baby do whatever with no growlng at all.

Just love and tolerance.

She said "Awwwww, huskies are so patient, like momma and daddy, only a dog"

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Why don't I have a hope chest?

After baby sis went back to residential, she'd taken most of her stuff with her, but left some behind with the family she was with, who wanted her to come back.

When they found out she wouldn't be allowed to come back to them, we arranged for us to get baby sis's personal items.

Of course, kiddo, being the typical big sis, wanted to go thru the boxes and check out her stuff.  Of course, me, being the nosy butt, let her, lol

Some treasures from that home, but then all the sudden a random item.....a pizza cutter.

and then measuring spoons

Huh? A few weird items that aren't something normally in a kids treasure box.

Kiddo said "My weird sister, why would she have kitchen items and flower pots?"

I jokingly said "Well, maybe they started a hope chest for her there for when she grows up".

Guess who wants a hope chest now?

Wonky Kid

Kiddo is driving me up the wall.

Hyper, easily distracted, can't focus worth two cents, forgets how to use indoor voice, constantly moving and momma has to be there 24/7

Very difficult, especially when she's not open about what is bugging her.

Momma would be ready for the funny farm soon if she hadn't actually finally come out with what may or may not be the issue.  We'll see by whether she starts calming down.

She said she's missing her sister, worried her sister will never have a forever family, etc.

We suggested she call her and then she'd hear her and know she's okay and happy where she's at.  (if her sister had her way, she'd stay in residential until she aged out probably).  She said no, that'd make it worse.

Finally she said what would help would be seeing her, that it's been too long since they've had a playdate.  Apparently kiddo was waiting on us to line up something.

We reminded her after the last fiasco, we told her she had to tell us when she was ready, we wouldn't line up playdates until she said the word, because of how stressed she was and her comments that she wanted to have less playdates, that they were stressful.

So, yeah, just e-mailed the residential center therapist and the social worker and asked when baby sis would be ready for a playdate.

We shall see how this goes....

We reminded her again that she has to be open so we can help, that contrary to how we act, we can't always read minds.

Friday, January 8, 2016

It's a Hard Knock Life

That's my earworm of the day

We went to see Annie on Broadway last night.  We love doing shows like this as a family, but this one was beyond excellent.

The kids were amazing, the show was well done and well, the story is close to my heart.

Like Warbucks finding Annie, we found our "Annie" at age 11 shortly before Christmas as well.  Our kiddo, like Annie, has a beautiful head of red hair.  Our kiddo, like Annie, would feed the stray dog before herself.  While our kiddo wasn't in an orphanage, she was in a residential treatment center, not with a family and both roommates with friends and bullies.While it was for Christmas, it was also adoption day and she got a puppy for her adoption, just like our kiddo did.

Yeah, kinda hit close to home.

Kiddo didn't seem to get triggered. She was sad when the dog had a threat of being put to sleep (both of us), but I cried like a baby when they thought they'd found Annies parents and Daddy Warbucks wasn't going to be able to adopt her.

A couple things I noticed prominently that I may not have focused so much on if I didn't have a similar child.....

When Daddy Warbucks wanted to give Annie a locket and tell her he wanted to adopt her, she was wearing the locket left by her parents.  He didn't know it was a special locket and she screamed and started running off because she was mad at the idea of taking it off.  She did, however, tell him quickly why when asked.  I told kiddo she could take a lesson from that scene, that like Daddy Warbucks, we don't always know a trigger, but we will always try to make things right when we hit one.

Daddy Warbucks was so good about letting her love her parents, even though he wanted her for his own daughter and moved Heaven and Earth to make her happy.

In the end, when the fake parents showed up, I think deep down Annie knew.  She was struggling with leaving Warbucks and when it came out they were fake and her birth parents were dead, she embraced Daddy Warbucks and they of course, no doubt, will live happily ever after, with a few trauma moments behind the scene that we will never see.

The toughness, willing to run away to get into a good situation, her protectiveness over the little one in the show and her willingness to believe things could be good again, all qualities of our kiddo.

So yeah, while it was amazingly done and lots of funny scenes, it was also a tearjerker for me and meant a ton.

We didn't take a friend to this one, so the money we would have used on a ticket and meal for friend went to extra souveniers for kiddo.  Spoiled a ton!!

Cost of our night:
price of 3 front row tickets to the show
price of dinner for three in upscale Mexican place
a near midnight night on a school night
a ton of gifts, but