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Sunday, January 25, 2015

You're Going Away? Good!

What?!

I've went away on overnight business trips 4 times since we've adopted Char.  All of those times, there has been some back lash, some anxiety, fear of abandonment and punishing momma for leaving.

It's steadily gotten better each time. First time was horrible, 2nd was bad, 3rd and 4th not too bad, just slight elevation in anxious behaviors.

I'm going away on another business trip next month for 4 days.  I'm starting to prep her now and do what I can to make sure she remembers I always come back and that everything will be okay.

The start to our conversation I told her where I was going, when and when I'd be back. her response: "good".  WHAT? Her response when I asked why she said good.  "Momma, your period is due then, we'll be glad to have you out of the house that week".

OMG!!! I was dying!!

(and if she thinks I'm bad during Shark Week, she should have to deal with herself then! I'm a piece of cake compared to her, I cry, she's mean!)

Oh well, at least she found a positive to get her through.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Karaoke

I think I totally wanna get Char a karaoke machine for her birthday.

Never mind that I want it for myself.

Me, hubs and Char all 3 got new MP3 players yesterday. I've loaded these puppies up with music and I was dancing around the house, took a skinny can of yankee candle scent and used it for a microphone and Char said she was scared.  She ran to her daddy yelling "Protect me, something is wrong with momma, look at her".

Of course, after we all quit laughing, she said "Momma, let me go get my MP3 player and we can listen to different songs and dance together".

I totally see some good momma/daughter bonding time coming soon!!

Bathtime!

Ridiculously long baths again twice today, sign that something is going on.

The good news is at the end of her 2nd bath, I finally pried it out of her.

I'm furious.

I made her look me in the eye while I asked her what was wrong and she kept turning her head and saying "nothing" in that sing songy fake voice.

I said "look me in the eye and tell me what's going on".  She started crying and said she was upset about school and the e-mail I'd gotten from her teacher. I asked why she was stressing over that, since we'd already reviewed how we could fix it.  She looked away, so I knew it was more.

I said "Ok kiddo, what else?"

The tears started falling fast and she let me hold her and hug her and she said the teacher pulled up our email during class and posted her grade for the whole class to see and that she was really embarrassed, got upset and walked out of the classroom and she's afraid she'll get detention for walking out of class and slamming the door.

We got this girl calmed down and reassured her that if her grades were shown, good or bad, then it is never okay and that we have her back. Yes, maybe the response could have been better, but we were definitely not going to punish her over that.

She let us both hug and hold her and she cried it out for awhile.

I think she's okay now.  She's fine with us going to school to discuss this Monday.

So many times I wish we could home school, but right now, I don't think emotionally it'd be a great idea.  I don't think we're far enough along that the lines between teacher and parent and bonding would be at it's most effective.

On the subject of homeschooling, BFF has an injured knee, very serious situation with zero muscle control currently and she'll be out of school and have homebound schooling for the next 8 weeks, while they determine if she can get out of having surgery or not.

So much with these girls lately. I'd given anything to take their pain for them and make things better, but especially my baby of course.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Risk Taking

Guess it's time to do exciting things with Char on vacations and other times.

Hubs is excited about the idea of talking her into sky diving. He loved sky diving and I refuse to do that.

Char's therapist said we can talk until we're blue in the face, but the internet situation was about the risks, that she knew the dangers but the thrill of it made her seek it out.

I'm not sure I'm buying into that being the reason, but I'll roll that around in my head for a bit and keep an open mind.

I think it's more the past trauma and being drawn to that and wanting attention from somebody that she can't have a real relationship with because she doesn't have to worry about getting too close.

Either way, maybe we'll try getting her into some activities that involve more risk to provide the excitement, it wouldn't hurt even if I'm right and the therapist is wrong.  Good for making memories at least.

Either way, it's a long road ahead of us for healing and patience and caution from us will be key.

Piano Lessons

New activity

3rd times a charm?

Well, one can hope at least.

Char really does need something that keeps her mind off the past and keeps her focused on the present and the positive.

Soccer and softball both didn't work, both due to bullying.

This year she's trying piano lessons. Over the past few years, she's played with the piano here and there and perhaps not having other kids around to bully her, maybe she can succeed and stick this out a little better.

The lady that is teaching her was the organ player at our wedding and also a childhood Sunday School teacher.

She was so patient with Char, really explained things in a way that made sense and Char really responded well and caught on to todays lessons quick.

I'm optimistic. Afraid to say I think she'll stick it out, still too early for that, but all I want is for her to find something fun that she enjoys that will keep her mind occupied and this would be good because she can practice alone too.

Music lessons:

  • learning (yes, she's already had math to do in her first lesson)
  • self esteem (and my poor baby really needs some work on this)
  • discipline
  • focus
  • coordination
  • patience
I wish I could go with her every time. I actually learned things this time that I didn't learn in 5 years of lessons when I was a child. 

I so hope she enjoys this.

We went to therapy right after piano and she worked ahead in her workbooks because she was so excited about it.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Borderline Diabetic and Borderline Personality Disorder

Lots of homework for us.

Kiddo was diagnosed with both of these. Well, preliminary diagnoses. She's actually too young to be diagnosed BPD, but since she's showing signs, we have to start treating that now.  The diabetes, if we treat now as if she is a diabetic, she may not have to rely on meds later.

We have a long road ahead of us, but I'm still optimistic about our future.

Kiddo isn't doing too horribly on her food, she is still sneaking some food at night, but not really as bad.

She's also working on controlling emotions and trying to trust us.

Reading up on BPD, poor kiddo has the bulk of the risk factors that contribute to this and over half the symptoms.



Attachment Therapy

I hate using the term attachment therapy, because it's not exactly that, it's not the rebirthing, holding, etc that tends to get lumped in with attachment therapy.  We've restarted attachment therapy as a booster, it's exercises led by an attachment specialist that promote bonding between child and parent.

Our facilitator is very well versed in attachment disorders and attachment healing and works with families and children on a regular basis. She's a fan of Marshak methods.  Before we got started, she talked to Char with us and asked her what her thoughts were and why she requested this. She said she didn't feel as close because we don't do as much together and she's on her trampoline or swing. Then she admitted she tells us to go away when we try to engage, and said she doesn't want to be like that.

What we did tonight:


  • me, daddy and Char formed a "circle" and one of us would put a beanie baby on our head and signal to the one that we were going to pass it to next with our eyes and drop it into that persons hands, who would put the beanie baby on their head and pass to somebody, it had to be random.  why it helps: eye contact and playing with each other
  • simon says with a twist: daddy and Char would have a pillow between them while momma would go thru simon says "go forward, turn clockwise, go backward, whatever, as long as it was something you could do with a pillow between you". If you messed up, you had to start over. Then daddy led and Char and momma did that.  why it helps: listening skills, physical closeness, working as a team (if one messed up and the other didn't, the pillow would hit the floor)
  • wrapping feet with aluminum foil. Both daddy and I had to wrap her foot up with aluminum foil. why it helps: physical touch plus some giggles if her foot is ticklish
  • momma read the book "The Runaway Bunny" to Char.  It had a very relevant message obviously, with what all has been going on and showed how momma's would do anything to keep their babies.  With the pictures, it also gave us room for dialogue and comparison and I get close to her when reading and speak in voices appropriate for story. why it helps: communicates in non threatening method, closeness
  • Momma and daddy traced Char's hand on a piece of construction paper and signed it for Char.  She got tickled at the differences in both the way the hands looked and the way we sign, but touching her hands were the whys.
  • Char put lotion on our hand liberally and pressed our hand on a piece of construction paper, lifted softly and sprinkled powder on our handprint.  Pressing and putting the lotion on created the touch, but lifting softly helped train to be gentle.
  • She had to wash our hands and we washed her hands, then we shared an individual bag of doritos, feeding each other.  Touch and nurturing.  
After all that was done, we sent Char for a walk around the office and talked a little bit.  The specialist asked what we noticed about this time vs last time.  I said she seemed more gentle this time than before. She said yes, and that was the #1 key in telling progress was the feeding exercise.  She's very optimistic that she's well on her way to bonding and that this is a temporary setback. She also said she noticed she treats us differently and more gentle with me, but that she's still better with daddy than she was with either of us previously, so it's a huge deal.

Feeling good about things. I think Char is too. She was happy on the way home, and not one of those fake happy things.