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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

If I could take it away.....

Being a trauma momma is a hard job sometimes.

Being a mom to a depressed teenager is even harder.

There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do to make things better.

Char has been depressed for awhile and starts feeling better and then has another trigger or something and her mood goes downhill.

School called me yesterday because she felt so depressed she was in the nurses office ready to cry and requested we bring her an anti depressant to see if that'd help.  By the time hubs got there, Char was crying big time.  He wasn't able to just leave her, no way could we just leave her at school feeling like that, so he brought her home and let her take a relaxing bath and then rest up.

She says she doesn't know why. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't.  Whether she does or not, I know it kills me to see her hurting.  I'd take that pain from her in a second if I could.

She sailed on me when I got home as if she hadn't seen me in a month, hugged me tight and asked for momma/daughter time.

Before bedtime, she laid down in our bed and said she was going to sleep with us. We said okay, but then she said she was going to her own room, but may come back and told us both she loved us and good night.

It's not like her to initiate the "love yous" except during silly times.

I'm glad she's at least looking to us when she feels bad now instead of completely internalizing it. Now, next step, looking to us AND sharing.

Baby steps!!


Saturday, October 25, 2014

Social Worker Visit

So we are renewing our license.  Crazy us.

The social worker visited this week, along with a new team member that she was training.

It was good seeing this one again, this one was the good one that genuinely cared about Char and us and wanted nothing more than to see us succeed.

It was funny getting to talk to her after this long.

Our foster experience with Char was cut off at 5th grade graduation when the adoption papers were signed (although it was 6 long months before our court date).

SW essentially missed her whole 6th grade year, except for court for the adoption, which she cared enough to drive almost 4 hours just to come for.

She talked to us, she talked to Char.  She laughed about some of the things we went thru and her first impression of us as a family.

We were cracking up. I'd totally forgotten about some of the stuff.

It brought to light that despite all the crazies we've been dealing with lately with Char's emotions, she has really come a LONG way.

So blessed!!

2 years ago today.....

10 days after being interviewed for our cutie pie, we were invited to come look at her file and talk to her therapist.

After meeting her therapist and telling the social worker, we definitely wanted to proceed, they offered to let us meet our daughter.

A small underweight 11 year old walked into the room, hair tossled as if she'd just woken up, clothes way too big for her.

It was love at first sight.

I knew at that moment we were meant to be.

So much has happened in 2 years and it's been an amazing ride, can't wait to see what this year brings!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Big Feelings

I picked up on this, but didn't bring it to Char's attention because I didn't want her feeling guilty or backtracking, I wanted her pure honest thoughts.

When asking what was wrong Sunday night, she said she's worried this new family may give up on S like all the others did.  I thought it was interesting that she didn't say "I'm upset that S is not moving in with us"

We went to therapy Monday night and Char put her legs on me and just wanted to be all over me during the session and trying to divert.

Eventually though, with pieces here and there, her therapist says after asking about her guilt "I wonder if you also kinda like having momma and daddy to yourself". She admitted that she thought she'd struggle sharing us and the furkids.

The therapist led her to the answers to realize that she need not feel guilty about those feelings, that it didn't contribute to us not adopting S, that that wasn't in her control.  Her feelings are just that, feelings.

So, whether right or wrong, I confessed to her....when we were considering adopting S, I was feeling a little twinge of "I dont want to share my baby" either.  I love our closeness and I was fearful that the family dynamics would change with another child, yet, I was willing and wanted to do whatever was best for both girls and would embrace our new reality should it become sensible to go that route.

Chars reaction...."MOMMA!!!" and laughter!!

I think she secretly enjoyed knowing I wanted her to be my baby.

Things have been pretty good since, but wondering what tonight will bring.

Even though we withdrew our request for adopting S awhile back, our fear is that families will continue to struggle with her, so we're renewing our foster care/adopt license so that we can be a resource for S's new family and take her overnight or weekends before their adoption is final and give everybody a break.

This may trigger some big feelings. We will get through them though.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Giving Up

Char is doing a good job of using her coping skills, with 4 showers yesterday, but at 8 pm still no talking.

When I finished laundry, she took her laundry basket and said she'd put her own clothes up.

Momma spidey sense said "uh oh, reason she doesn't want me in her room?"

I went in during her fourth shower and almost all her pictures were turned face down.

Not really sure what that means.

Our family pic collage was still up and her digital frame was still up, but the rest were faced flat down (including BFF and sister)

I decided to wait for her and ask.

First she said she didn't know what was wrong, until I pointed out I noticed the photos down. Then she said she's worried about S.  She said she's worried this new family that was chosen for S will not work out and that they'll give up like everybody else has.

We had a good long talk. She had a headache last night and stayed up for awhile because she couldn't sleep, but I felt like our talk was productive.

Now, to see if that helps how she's doing and if we see our old cheerful Char again soon.

So worried for my baby, my heart breaks daily to see her sad.

Lockdown at School

The local news station announced yesterday that Char's school was on lockdown due to an "issue" with a young female student.

Then a separate announcement about a child running away.

I went in panic mode.

Char's MO used to be running away before she moved in with us.  She's been a little wonky lately so I got alarmed.  Realistically I knew they'd call me if it was my child, but usually I get calls about the lockdown drills and didn't get a call, so I worried something had happened.

Funny how you think you're convinced of healing in a certain area but when you hear of that behavior, you realize you're not.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Proud Momma Moment!

Parent/teacher conferences were Thursday.

We went and I loved hearing about what a joy Char is to have in class.  She's always struggled with school some and in 5th grade when she first got here, she didn't behave at school at all. We were constantly getting calls.

One of her teachers said "You two should have more kids, we need more kids like Char around".

and "Char is so polite and listens well" (cough, cough, who is this and what happened to my daughter?)

"Char participates so well in class and while she seems to struggle with tests, she knows the answers, she volunteers first in class all the time".

So proud of our baby girl.

B average for this semester.  She's come so far.