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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Trust

Monday I had to go out of town for a business meeting.  Char had anxiety again, claimed not to, but it was obvious from her hyperness that she was feeling anxiety.

Tuesday morning I called and hubs said she didn't want to talk to me on the phone.  Apparently she was worried about that because then she grabbed the phone to talk to me.

I came home Tuesday night and she was wound up and wired, but so happy to see me.

She pounced on me on the way in the door, knocking the pups out of the way and saying "She's my momma first, I get the first hug".  She had me read to her and even had me and daddy both kiss her good night. She NEVER wants kisses.

She's been super affectionate and hubs asked her "Do you get it that we're yours forever?"  I love how he phrases it we're hers instead of her ours so she's not a possession and she gets to rule that part of it.

She said yes.  We'll see though.  2 days later and still a little wired and more on us than normal.

I'll take that over January's response though. Improvements!!!

On another note, I was asked twice this week if I was interested in a promotion.  I turned it down.  There is no way I can put myself in a position to spend more time away from home and create extra anxiety for our baby girl.

Still proud of her progress though.  We'll make it.  A week at a time, a day at a time, and some times a moment at a time.

She's a treasure and is so worth all the heartaches we've dealt with over the last few years.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

PTSD and Hugs

My favorite blogger is Last Mom.  She recently had this blog (hope she doesn't mind the link being here,  I'm going on a limb and assuming an extra link to her page can't be bad ;) ): http://lastmom.com/hugs/

It was very eye opening for me.

It never occurred to me that PTSD was the reason for Char being a little hesitant on hugs. Since it's more from those closest to her, I took it as purely attachment based and try to adapt to it and give hugs where we can.

I read this to my hubs (since like Last Mom and her family, the resistance is more towards the dad) and he had that lightbulb moment. He also has PTSD from abuse and he said "Ah man, I don't know why I didn't get it before" and he clarified that yes, it took him years to get the whole hugging concept and be okay with it and he's still not okay with it in most situations, so it threw him for a loop that he didn't think about that being her deal too.

Know what? I think I've seen more hugs since that night, freely given and no pressure.

He doesn't reach for them now, but asks instead, and also that side hug recommended in the comments, yep, trying that too.


Hygeine

We were told hygeine would be a problem before she moved in. That's normal for a sexually abused victim.  Being dirty on some level makes you feel like people will leave you along. Likewise with overeating and putting weight on.

We worked on that and it wasn't much of a fight, just modeling appropriate behaviors and giving her friendly reminders. She didn't balk at it (much).

After she got in the habit and became a teenager that takes 3 showers a day at times, I assumed we were past this.....until we got to the orthodontist and he said "She's not brushing her teeth, I can't work with this"

I was beyond embarrassed, but really upset that I didn't see it coming or know there was a problem.

So, this momma is back to staying in the bathroom while she brushes her teeth both morning and night.

I wish I could fix the background thoughts that cause the behaviors, because I know it's not a behavior thing. I can't punish her because it's not about being bad, it's about the perception of protecting herself.

Some days I wonder how long it'll take for her to start trusting that her past is not the norm.

My heart breaks for her some days that she still suffers this much.

She seems so normal most days, that trauma behaviors throw me for a loop now.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I HATE DEPRESSION!!

Depression sucks!!

I've struggled with it for years and have pretty much maintained well after getting assistance for it.

Right now, I can tell both my hubs and my child are battling it. My kiddo has been for years and been on antidepressants for years (although which one has changed at times).  I hate seeing her like this (and hubs).

Then the Robin Williams thing shook me up.

Before Char got to us, she'd been reported with suicidal tendencies so I watch her moods and when it seems like she's slipping already, so to see her struggling with back to school and not being her normal self at the same time as a visible suicide, I have been completely shaken up.  Hence my blogging after midnight when I should be in bed.

I got a text from hubs about 4:45 that said CALL ME NOW!!

I called and got no answer at first. I was freaking out.  BECAUSE OF THIS!!!

I was so relieved that it wasn't anything like that, but it was relating to her going bonkers.  He had to pick her up from school because she'd hit herself in the head and knocked her braces loose.  She said it was an accident, but these little things at school have me concerned.

Watching and wishing I could take the pain away from my little family.  I hate this.  As much as depression hurts, I'd take her portion and add it to mine in a heartbeat if it meant she wouldn't struggle.



Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Panic Attacks

7Char had her first panic attack at school today.

The nurse called hubs because she had a panic attack in gym class. DH didn't hear the phone ring because it was last period and he was in the car rider line waiting on her.

I asked what happened and she said she wasn't sure.

She said nothing had happened to trigger it.

I asked if she was thinking of the concussion at the end of last year and she said that wasn't it, that she was just sitting there thinking and all the sudden had a panic attack. I asked what she was thinking about and she said her speech she has to give Friday in English class.

So, maybe my baby had a panic attack over public speaking. Still scary though, because that's never happened before and that scared me to have her scared like that.

What are some relaxtion tips you use with your children to prevent panic attacks?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Birthday Gifts from former foster/adopt parents

While we were visiting with S, S's social worker came by the hotel before S got there to give us a package for Char from her former parents.  M (the social worker) put it in a bag addressed to me so I could screen it ahead of time.  In addition, S's former foster family sent a package to us to give to S during our visit.  We let the SW screen it before S got there.

S opened her present and the card had a note to call them sometime and tell them how she's doing. She said "yeah right" and continued to open present and rolled eyes.

I opened S's envelope and took out the letter and gave her the present. Present was more appropriate than normal. She received a purse, socks and $10.  Normally it's random items thrown together with no thought, so I was optimistic.  UNTIL I looked at the letter.  She's not getting the letter until I'm dead.

The letter was addressed to her FORMER last name!!

Then inside the letter, the abuser was referenced to and she was told he's now a spiritual counselor and loving it. REALLY?

I sent them a letter that gifts are not necessary, but if that made them feel better to at least be respectful enough not to use her former name, that she's embraced her new family and she's no longer a "*******"

I don't understand people.  Really? Why would anybody think that was okay?

My 7th Grader

Where does the time go?

Monday was the first day of school and my kid got up nicely, let me french braid her hair and behaved.

She claims she did as discussed and told the boy that was talking to her inappropriately that they would not have further contact and that he needed to tell his parents what he did or she would.

Today that same boy was suspended for talking inappropriately at school with another girl.

Char and her boyfriend helped the girl out of the situation. I'm so proud of her for standing up to him.

On another note, I'm really excited that school is texting homework this year so I can find out every bit of homework she has and ask questions about it specifically as a result.  No more "I didn't have homework" excuse.  :)