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Sunday, April 6, 2014

Char Bears House

So, the renters moved out this week.

In addition, the adjoining church had septic tank problems and had to cut down a ton of trees to replace it. Because their land adjoins ours, they came out to see if it was okay to be on our land when they were working and verify the property line.

Chars response? They're cutting down MY trees!! The renters moved out without warning? How will you all spoil me without that money?! lol

Protecting her inheritance.

Speaking of inheritance, she knows the rental house used to belong to her grandma who died before she got here so she's never seen the inside of the house. She also knows Bonkers lived there and we inherited Bonkers from her grandma.

So....of course, she wanted to go exploring out there.

She kept saying to the pets "Let's go look at our 'inheritage'"  I asked her if she was trying to say heritage or inheritance. She asked me what the differerence was. I explained that heritage is slightly different and more about the traditions and what the items/memories mean because of our relationship and is there whether the person is dead or not, while inheritance is "Mommy and daddy died and left me this house".

Her eyes bugged out and she cracked up that she was getting those words tangled together.

She was totally impressed with the house and said she can't wait to live there when she grows up.  I hope she keeps that mentality. I'd like having her that close.

The funny part was when DH and I started walking home, she asked to stay out there on the porch swing and said "Hey Momma!! When I live out here we can yell back and forth from our porches to each other"

Why is that funny? Mom and I did that when she lived there, as did mom and DH.  Mom would also yell for Bonkers before bedtime and DH would yell back "I concur".

Hysterical!!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Still Fuming

I'm still fuming after the response from DH's mom.
I've written her a letter this morning just to get it out. It's not being mailed today. Just writing it makes me feel better.  If I feel later that it needs to be said and not just out of MY system, then I'll mail it.


MIL,

Unconditional love:
To love somebody with no conditions or circumstances: to love completely

Love is a verb, not a feeling

I’m very disappointed that the choice was made to choose no contact with your granddaughter for the next 6 years over having a relationship with your son. 

The #1 thing we HAVE to do to insure that our daughter feels like she’s in her forever family and for our family to love each other unconditionally and demonstrate that through our daily actions.

Defriending/blocking/etc everytime there is a disagreement, both with son and his wife and child is childish and not what I would have expected from a mother. I can’t imagine shutting my child out, regardless of what happens in the future. The first time we left it open for reconciliation so that our daughter could experience having an earthly grandmother.  I will not continue to let my daughter be hurt by those that are suppose to show her love.

Your response to our request for normalcy is very concerning at best.  I’m stunned that you’re willing to leave what happens 6 years from now to chance, just because you don’t want to speak with me or DH.

Maybe she will contact you when she grows up and want a relationship despite you shutting her out as a child. If so, then she’ll have both our blessings and we will be proud that she’s demonstrating unconditional love, even when it’s not shown.

If she doesn’t though, remember that today sets the tone for tomorrow.

Maybe I don’t get it because I always had unconditional love, but I don’t understand drama in families and shutting each other out.


I hope all is well and that you can rest in your decision without guilt. I know I wouldn’t be able to.

Signed,
Me

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Dysfunctional Families & Unconditional Love

When Char first moved in, DH and his mother were not speaking.  She'd said something totally inappropriate and we cut her out until she could think over what she said and agree to watch her mouth.

She told DH that he deserved the abuse he received from his father when he was a child. NO child EVER deserves to be abused. Given that we were trying to adopt and knew abuse was very likely, there was no way we'd ever let her be near our child until that was handled.

About 5 months after Char moved in, DH and his mother made up. He made it very clear that this was not going to go on in front of her new grandchild and to watch what she said, that words could be very damaging.

Fast forward a few months......we find out one of DH's siblings had his mother cosign on a loan and has defaulted. Given her financial situation and that she's trying to find a new place to live, it made sense to offer some emotional help.  She cut us out of her life for that.  She defriended all 3 of us on facebook. That was over a month ago.

Today she refriends Char.  Not us, just Char. One rule we have on Char's page is she only uses it here in the room with us and I have the password. She can only have approved friends on it.  They were messaging and I basically sent her a message on Char's page thru pm that we are working on showing Char unconditional love and continuing to defriend/block/friend again is not helping that and the 3 of us are a team and she can choose all of us or none of us.  She responded back with oh well, she can contact me in 6 years and you can't do anything about it.

Really? THIS is what you want your granddaughter to see?

We explained to Char what happened and Char said "well, at least I still have one grandma" (moms best friend) and she also said "I bet my grandma in heaven is cussing this grandma out for that".

We told Char we were sorry that this kept happening, but this was NOT the unconditional love of a family and she deserved unconditional love like she receives from us.

She's mad, but it's not at us.

Were we wrong? I don't see where we were wrong to set those boundaries.  We can't have a child with attachment issues getting messages like this from her "family".  She's had enough dysfunction.

What I would give to have my mommy back. DH tells me all the time that me and my mother are the reason that he got over his attachment issues so well and learned what a healthy family was suppose to be like.  All I want is a healthy environment for my child and I'm furious, sad and disappointed that her grandmother chooses to have no relationship with her granddaughter over having a relationship with all of us.


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Need Behind the Behavior

It's my last day of vacation and hubs and I picked up kiddo from school together.  It was obvious she was in a mood and something had happened. We were trying to find out and she was telling us a little bit, but holding back part of it and getting agitated with our questions, so we decided to let her calm down first.

We talked about dinner plans.  We said we planned on hotdogs and she said she wasn't going to eat them because she had hotdogs for lunch today (not normally an issue even if she had had the same thing earlier). I let it slide, but I knew she wasn't telling the truth.

About 1/2 hour later, I said "I thought you all had choice of pizza or brunswick stew today". (letting her know without accusing that we knew she had lied and just went on with what I was doing)

A few minutes later she confessed the girl had called her fat and that's why she said she wasn't going to eat. THEN we were finally able to have a good dialogue and she said just now "What times dinner? I do want hotdogs"


I also let her know after she had calmed down that it's disappointing when she's not truthful and that we always have her back.

Crisis over in record time!! Woot woot!! 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Playdate

The girls had a playdate today.

I finally figured out what's nagging at me, I just can't figure out the whole thing.

Every time we meet up, I see so much of my Char in her baby sis, which is to be expected.  But it finally occurred to me I'm seeing S treat Char alot like Char treated me early on.

What that means, I don't know.  Is she trying to bond and feeling insecure? Is she unsure her current role with her sis since they don't live together? It's very obvious they love each other.  S thinks our Char hung the moon.

I'm reminded of our attachment therapy with Char.  S is acting like she wants to be the "leading lady", a tad bossy, but sorta sweet about it. She definitely wants her own way, but on some level, I really get the feeling that it's not about wanting her own way, but seeing if she can get her own way and if she deserves it.

I want so bad for this little angel to do better with her therapy in residential this time and be ready to be a family girl when she gets out. I want her to find a family that will treasure her the way we do Char.  I want her to know what it's like to be spoiled and loved the way she deserves to be.


Not sure which of the 4 of us enjoyed today the most.

Monday, March 3, 2014

No backlash

A great full weekend and no backlash so far, wow!! I'm so proud of our baby.

After getting out the guilt feelings in therapy, things have been so much smoother.

Thursday night: Harlem Globetrotters, and took bff and they had a sleepover (didn't get home until way past bedtime)
Friday night: my birthday dinner
Saturday: bff came over early and we headed to NC to pick up the puppy, went to lunch before we picked up the puppy, came home and had another sleepover
Sunday: bff stayed until dinner time
next Saturday: visit with her sister scheduled

All that and not any sign of out of the ordinary stress.

We went to therapy today. Therapist asked how she's been doing and we could honestly say  NO issues since our last session, which was 3 weeks ago.

We weren't involved in todays therapy, but she did express that she's impressed I always take off work to come to the sessions, just in case and Char made it clear she expected nothing less, lol

After therapy, her therapist asked her if she'd like to share with us what she shared with her.  She said yes, that she's been calm lately and not acting up so much because she really does believe this adoption will work and that she knows we love her and will not give up on her.

It makes me so happy to hear that she has faith we'll never give up.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Sibling Visit Next Weekend

Alot of excitement around our house lately

Harlem Globetrotters, new puppy, couple sleepovers and now next Saturday we get to have a visit with S.

I hope 'lil Miss S is doing well.  Char worries so much about her baby sister.  We're getting together another set of Char Bear photos for her to take to her.

We had printed up the photos from the last visit right after Christmas and planned to take them to her for our visit. She got moved back to residential before their playdate, so I mailed the photo album to S's social worker instead.

Her SW said coincidentially, it came to her in the mail the same day she was scheduled to visit with her. When she got there and started talking with S, she was talking about how much she was missing Char Bear. So, she pulled out the photos and told her Char sent those to her and she was so excited to see her big sis.

I hope the visit goes well and that we can have more visits. I think with S's attachment issues, it may be good for her to see her big sis happy and attached to a family and help her realize before she gets discharged from residential that it IS possible to be happy and have a family that'll take care of you.  It'll also be good for Char to see that it's not particularly distressng to S to be at residential and that for now, at least, she's content and doing well.

They really do love each other and when I see how bonded they are, it at least shows that they can both attach. S is just taking longer to be willing to attach to somebody other than her sister.