the hard one to write

 Husband and I have been having major issues since March 2018 to be precise. More than normal.

I'm heartbroken and it's been such a struggle.  We've been married 31 years and I feel like with over half my life being with him, that figuring out how to respond is so difficult.  He refuses to leave.  I refuse to leave.  Our home was purchased from my grandparents. I'd buy him out if he'd leave, but he's stubborn and since it's not a case of being physically abusive, it's hard to prove situation and no way to turn this around.

After a particularly hard week,  I finally got him to agree to counseling. I told him that was my only way I'd consider staying in this marriage.  That and meds for him. He's currently gotten 2 sessions under his belt. PTSD is horrible for the victim, but also horrible for the surviving supporting members of the victims family.

He's had complex PTSD for most of his life, due to severe abuse.  Unfortunately, 3 years ago, something happened and it triggered it so badly.  We haven't recovered yet and sometimes I feel that I have secondary PTSD from it.  

I'm jumpy.  I feel unsettled.  Although he's never physically hurt any of us, I feel fearful.  I genuinelly am afraid some days.  I also feel so angry.  Being somebody that never really had anger in their lives, this has been a difficult situation to deal with at best.  I feel sad. To the point that some days I wish I wouldn't wake up.  

I don't have an active death wish. Don't get me wrong.  But if I didn't wake up and I could know it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be sad and would be missed by very few.

During a huge fight the day after my birthday, police ended up involved. They claimed to be on my side and before you know it I was admitted to hospital for 3 nights.  It was horrible to be so degraded. I was strip searched for drugs that I could potentially use to kill myself.  I was lied to on numerous occasions.  But, the worst part was not having clothes or phone and worrying so much about my daughter.

She moved in with her boyfriend for that time span.  She felt unsafe and unsettled and angry as well.

I didn't speak with him my entire time there.  I did, however, speak with my daughter and her love several times.  

The doctors eventually figured out I wasn't crazy and this was a domestic dispute and I was released without having a hearing or any of the normal activities for psychiatric care.

Will I ever recover from this? I don't know.  I do know I definitely have empathy for those at 1 North.