Traumaversary

May 2012 C was removed from her last adoptive family
June 2008 C was removed from her birth family

You can imagine the feelings and fear that go through her mind at this time of the year.

This year has been FAR worse than last.  Triggering over seemingly nothing and going over the top with her tantrums. I'm going nuts. Most horrible day of my life was Saturday and honestly, I don't know that losing either of my parents hurt as much as I was hurting for those hours on Saturday.

Things have calmed down for the moment, but this was after it getting so bad I thought we'd have to call in outside help.  It was scary.

I hate seeing my child suffering like this. I hate that she has to go through this. I hate that WE have to go through it too for that matter.

We went to the beach last week and temper tantrum scared us so bad and crushed our hearts forever.

Started when she was pouting on the beach because she didn’t want to get in the water and we went back to the room.  Once in the room, she started screaming that we weren’t family and never would be, she’d never be our daughter and she wishes she could go back to birth family, we don’t share blood, she doesn’t love us and never has, she just wanted to get out of Hallmark and now she’s finding out we’re worse than Hallmark, she’s running away, getting raped on the street would be better than staying with us, we wouldn’t let her do what she wanted (but wouldn’t say what she wanted to do), we are in it for the money and don’t love her or care about her, screamed that she wanted to call her old social worker to pick her up if we wouldn’t take her home right that second.

Reasons she said Saturday:

• ·         Hates the beach and didn’t want to ruin it for us by telling us beforehand (despite that she loved it last year and went there to celebrate adoption too)
• ·         Bathing suit was itchy
• ·         Too windy
• ·         Afraid bathing suit would fall down
• ·         Mad because I wouldn’t take her back to room to change when I had suggested it before and she refused
• ·         Too crowded
• ·         Mad that we will not let her quit therapy, said  wrong about her not being ready for S and mad that we would listen to that
• ·         Worried about S (sister)
• ·         Says her and sister should be together and therapist is wrong to say shouldn’t, so wants to quit therapy
• ·         SW shouldn’t have promised to keep them together and not done it and it’s our fault
• ·         Last dad tried to drown her and that’s why hates the beach
• ·         Mad because this dad wouldn’t take her swimming in the ocean because of the meltdown and not going in the other time they went down

Monday:

had another tantrum when dad wanted to go to store because it meant she’d miss TV show, compared him to the last dad that abused her, said didn’t trust him, running away (put TV in garage)

Reasons she said:

• ·         Worried about sister S
• ·         Worried that she’ll mess up this family because this is the longest she’s been with a family
• ·         She’s still afraid of all men

When offered to put her in day camps, activities since doesn’t trust men and didn’t want to stay with dad during day, she said that wasn’t true, wanted to be home with him, not in other activities away from home.

Came in in the middle of the night and wanted to sleep with us. Been a doll ever since and calmer. 

Oh, and where she wants to go on vacation? OBX. Ummm, C, that's a beach.  Her response? Yeah, but it's not crowded at that beach and I know you two wouldn't drown me or make me go in the ocean, I like the rest.  

Yes, she has huge issues with crowds.  Her hyper vigilance can't work as well in big crowds and it provokes extreme anxiety and we were in a busy part of the beach, while the art show was going on. 

We offered to never go to a beach again if it really was a trigger (although we weren't buying that because she LOVED our vacation at OBX last year). She said no, she wants to go to OBX, but never wants to go to VA Beach again.

Oh, and she retracted everything she said, she said she loves us and doesn't know why she says such mean things when she gets upset and doesn't know why she blames us and feels like she's never going to know how to love right.