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Sunday, September 30, 2012

One Door Closes, Another Opens

One very odd thing about this journey is just the occassional glimmer of hope at precisely the right moment.

The child separated from siblings in my earlier post, we received more information about her and unfortunately, she's not a good match for us and we're not a good match for her.

Our worker sent us an e-mail indicating she didn't think it was a great match, but wanted to know our opinion and if we still wanted to be considered.  Our response?

"Could we handle her? Yes
 Would we be good at it? Yes, probably
Should we? Probably not

We stated our home study preferences based on where our heart is at and given her needs seem to exceed our home study approvals, we agree with you, that we'd do best by her, us and our future child to withdraw. Severe issues do not scare us, we're pretty determined and not quitters. That said, we both really believe our future child's issues are more emotional and behavioral and we'll hold out for another "H" or "M" type to come up."
 
(for viewers here, H and M are 2 separate girls with pretty big emotional and behavioral issues we came in 2nd for on both occassions)
 
I went to sleep heavy hearted, even knowing this was a wise choice for our family.  Heavy hearted because I felt like we'd just thrown away a lead and given up on a very sweet dear child, but as DH says "we weren't meant to 'save them all', there is a special child out there that is meant JUST for US" and hopefully this precious child will find the parents she's meant to have. 
 
The next day I got an e-mail from one of my adoption buddies titled "I found your child".   I opened it up and my heart literally skipped a beat.  She looks like I birthed her. I read her profile and if we want to adopt an emotionally scarred child with big behavioral issues and help her and that's our dream, well, her profile is definitely the picture of a challenged child. 
 
We've expressed interest. Now back to the waiting.
 
Very odd how after a day of heartbreak, there is always another glimmer of hope to take over.  We can go months between leads, but as soon as one lead closes, another always opens.
 
Whether this is our child or not, we're not far enough to know.  What I do know though, is these "glimmers of hope" aka "leads" are what keeps us in it. Otherwise, we'd have surely given up with wide gaps in between. 
 
 
 
This is a picture I took on the way to my last fertility treatment back in early 2009.  At the time, I was hopeful thinking it meant good things for the treatment. After it didn't work, I look back and realize maybe it was just a promise that "everything would be okay".  Notice the raindrops on the windshield, the tears of that failed treatment.
 
I keep clinging to that thought and remind myself daily "everything WILL be okay" and one day I'll look back on this time as a learning journey and well worth the wait.

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