Trauma, Drama and Tears, oh my!!

That’s what yesterday was made of.

kiddo’s surgery was yesterday and while she was in very good spirits pre-op, post-op was a nightmare. She completely shut down and was trying to refuse to leave the hospital. She had an anxiety attack so bad and was crying so bad, she had a hard time catching her breath. 

In the recovery room, she was pushing us away, one minute claiming she needed her space, the next claiming somebody needed to fix her, that she couldn’t breathe.  All her vital signs were as close to perfect as it gets. The surgery was claimed a success. But her trauma brain was so upset that we didn’t go into the operating room with her (she didn’t understand it wasn’t allowed and they phrased it to make it seem like we would be).

• At the hospital, she said she wasn’t going home with us
• Told us to get away, we were crowding her, including in the car on the way home
• Refused to get out of the car when we got home. We went inside. She finally honked horn to help her out.  When she finally got out, refused help and then yelled because we didn’t help
• Yelled that she’s in pain and we don’t even care or love her
• Off and on yelling for a couple hours
• Went to bed? Got up for (snack?) fell, yelled at us that she was leaving and hitching a ride, claimed it wasn't for snack, but food is her #1 trigger, so I'm inclined to think it was more than that her hurting like she said.
• Hubs offered to look at her leg (she refused) and us take her to ER. After dressing, she was screaming and trying to stand on it and when realized not a need for ER for leg, asked to look at it again  (still refused). She said didn’t need ER. Offered to help her back to bed, she refused and said needed ER. Told her to go to bed.
• Then sheried to open the door and I was in the way
• Then started to head to the garage, which would be very dangerous and is off limits anyway, much less with broken leg
• Called hubs mf’er, leave her alone, don’t ever touch her, doesn’t want help
• Even RTC was better than having to live with us MF’ers.
• Yelled at dog, told her not to yell at my dog, she slapped me on the arm hard, I was ready to call police, hubs convinced her to go lay down instead and gave her a bell to ring if she needed us and put the crutches away so she wouldn’t be getting up
• Yelled at us for taking the dogs in the other room, explained it was for safety reasons
• she threw a chair across the room while sitting in the floor
• she tried to start taking her cast/boot/thingie off

Yeah, my heart was broken. This morning she said she slapped me because I pinched her, however, I hadn’t.  She was completely dysregulated and oblivious to anything going on and didn’t see the reality.

Then she said wanted to move out, doesn’t want to live with us because her leg hurts.

She called later and said “I’m sorry for hitting you”.  I’m not satisfied with that. I told her I loved her, but that we’d talk about it tonight and she could be thinking of ways to make this right.

Is it bad I dreaded going home from work tonight? E came in to work this morning and asked what I was doing here instead of at home and I just started bawling, fortunately before work hours started. She’s about the only one that ½ gets the trauma situation (she’s the mom of bff) so she sorta gets that it’s not a normal style tantrum because her daughter has seen it.  I was glad to get to work and get away and not looking forward to the weekend.

I'm hurt by all she said. I'm furious about the slap. I'm so exhausted, We all showed our butts last night and reacted instead of staying in our calm brains.  I got so little sleep and I'm purely exhausted.

I know it was 1) because of the fear from having to go in alone and 2) from the morphine, which is known to trigger anger, but it's still not okay. I'm sad.