Been tough lately.....

not even sure what set her off, but the mean side of our kid showed up and things were said. We don't know the trigger, so we don't know how to fix it.  Baby girl got upset, ran out of the house, finally came in a couple hours later, still mad.

I understand people that say they take the doors off with their trauma kids now. After she threatened to lock herself in her room, I had to break the news that the consequence of locking herself up was not having a door (that she'd already slammed)

We had her sit down at the dining room table and talk to us.

After much coaxing, she said she has drama at school (her and her almost bff aren't even friends now), she's worried about not passing 6th grade (She's gotten 1 bad grade, so there isn't any danger of her not passing unless she quits trying), she doesn't want to do her project for school (because that's totally going to help the grades), she misses her sister and she's worried that she'll mess things up and we'll send her away.  She also said she feels like she doesn't deserve the fun things we do. We explained once again that nobody in the family has to earn the fun things we do, we do them as a family because we're a family, not because somebody earned the right to have fun.

It was a stressful night, we talked through all the things she's worried about, but she's still moody and honestly I'm still mad, although its obvious she's trying.  She's so disregulated though that she's hyper and not making sense and diverting.  I want my baby bear back.  This trauma child has me exhausted.  I tough it out and hang out with her afterwards to try to get her re-regulated because I realize when she's like this is when she needs love the most, but it's so exhausting and it's when I want to just disappear for a short drive and spend time alone or bury myself in my bed.

I want to write, because it always makes me feel better, but it's very difficult to write when I can't even make it make sense in my head. I may have to come back to this later.

For now, back to bed?