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Friday, January 1, 2016

I'm Running Away.....

we made it 9 months without hearing those words.

We heard them again yesterday.

Hubs texted me and said "Kiddo said she's running away, just wanted you to know, but don't worry, she's okay because Arlo is giving away her location, she's sulking at the edge of the yard"

He went out and suggested she at least go in the shed with the comics so she's not bored.  She moved to the edge and sat right outside the door.  He said "I guess she just couldn't do what I suggested".

Now....here's WHY she was running away.

Hubs ran out and came back to find her playing with my old phone. She's not suppose to use my phone or tablet unless in my presence, due to poor choices she's made in the past. She had installed KIK, which is against our family policy and is also the program that had the creepy guy that asked for nude photos this time in 2013.

I was sad and mad at the same time.

Yeah, a little mad that she ignored our rules, but more sad.  EVERY year, SAME time, something very similar happens and she gets dysregulated.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that this time of the year had to be when the abuse started.

He caught her  (we think) before she got around to looking up bad stuff this time. She said she got the phone with that intention, but started feeling guilty and hadn't done it yet.

Hubs and I had a date without her for lunch yesterday and then giving blood.  Given the combination of sneaking and her getting upset enough to threaten to run away, hubs and I decided she had to come on our date with us.

They dropped by the office and kiddo said "Momma, I was going to run away, but it's really way too much trouble" and started laughing. Hubs forgot his ID so he ran out to get it and she stayed with me and she asked if I knew what happened. I told her yes, I did.  I also asked why that would provoke her wanting to run away.

She said "Momma, I feel so guilty, I know I wasn't suppose to and I disappointed you, daddy AND me".

I think this says ALOT about how far we've come with attachment.  She's starting to feel disappointed in the actions and why vs being mad about getting caught or thinking she'll have different rules if she runs away.

I'm so proud of how far she's come.

9 months ago, she didn't run away that night because she'd miss her dog.  (well, that's not all, but that was the reason stated).  This time it was her trying to run away from her feelings, not running away from us and she acknowledged her feelings.

She also acknowledged that traumaversaries are tough.  I asked if it may have been the holiday and missing some of the people in her past.  She looked at me like I grew two heads and said "No, it's the memories of what happened".

She struggles way more with the traumaversary of when the worst things happen than the anniversary of dates removed from homes, so I tend to believe her on this.

Oh, and despite a rocky start to yesterday, yesterday turned out amazing and we had a great evening together.

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