What's your favorite Season?

 Mine is April.

Yes, I said April.

There is Winter. There is Spring. There is Summer. There is Fall. Then there is April.  A season of it's on.  So much new life in the air.  The green coming up is varying shades of green.  The tulips and dogwoods bloom.  The redbuds bloom.  The cherry trees and pear trees bloom.  People are in the yard mowing for the first time, or fertilizing and the yards turn even greener.  It's a season of it's own.  

Except in April, if you ask my favorite season, I will tell you summer HANDS DOWN.  Then along comes April and temporarily I think it's Spring, but then I realize I didn't like March.  May comes and it doesn't hold same appeal.  June, July and August are my next faves lumped together, but April.....

April is special.  April is a season of it's own.  

The sunshine is more special.

The thunderstorms better. 

Those nights around the firepit making memories.

April is special. April is a season of it's own.  Whats your favorite season?

A Rose By Any Other Name

 Would it still smell as sweet? Would we still be the same people if we had another name?

How did this random question come up? Well, I was searching for something I had posted and couldn't remember the name of it, so I typed "peskie" and the subject.  What actually came up was the meaning of the name peskie (not written by me)

                    "You have a power of expression, either in speaking or writing. You are in favor for studying and                        research. You are clever, clear-sighted and intellectual. You don't like to let others know your true                     feelings. You might be atheistic or agnostic. You have an eventful, exciting life. You are versatile                        and  have the ability to learn easily.

        

                    You are always looking for an opportunity to achieve financial and emotional security. You are                             basically peacemaker. You understand the law of harmony and desire to balance your life with                         those around you. You may feel incomplete without someone to share your love, ideals, wealth or                     work. You can be very sensitive and could appear a bit shy and perceptive. You have developed                         intuition, patience and the ability to nurture others. You can achieve the state of happiness if you                     is willing to accept your needs in a complimentary relationship and go to create them."

                                                      (sevenreflections.com)

It's rather amusing to me that even my screen name has a meaning that matches me.  Except atheist part.  

I guess a rose by any other name does still smell the same?  My screen name and my real self match.  

Last Christmas

 There is something just magical about Christmas. 

There is something magical about not the day, but about the spirit and love throughout the holiday.  This past Christmas was super special.  I had a "bonus kid" this time.  

Kiddo's fiance joined us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning and participated in our festivities and traditions.  Not just those 2 big days, but the whole season, his waking moments were all here. 

Kiddo's baby sister joined us for a week.

Due to company policy, I ended up out of work 4 days while I waited on covid test, even though I knew it wasn't covid, so I got to spend all that time with the kids.  

Fiance and baby sis helped us make ornaments this year.  Us girls did the normal ornaments.  Fiance did this super cute truck that was our centerpiece between the plants this year.  Such kids!!!

They basically had a few Christmas's wrapped in one.  Of course there was Christmas Eve and Day.  Christmas Eve we opened gifts from each other.  Christmas Day we opened Santa gifts.  While baby sis was here they had another Christmas and then fiances bday was Black Friday and their year anniversary dating and our familiversary also, they had another day of opening a couple gifts. 

Dust Bunny's first gift opened was a Sanford and Son dvd, hence the joke with the truck he painted as his ornament.

to put things in perspective, Dust Bunny and the girls all 3 have similar backgrounds, with a little less than they should have had in their early childhoods.  All neglected and/or abused.  It was so fun to spoil this boy with my girls.  I loved showing him our traditions, spoiling him and letting Santa visit like he should have had at 4 and 5 and 6, etc.

It's such a pleasure to give at Christmas and any time and I loved it so much.  He was stunned and amazed at his "loot".  He spoiled me a little bit too.  

Good kids and such fun.

But why am I talking Christmas this time of year? Because Easter is coming up Sunday and if the kids are super sweet, who knows? Maybe the Easter Bunny will visit.  

Bonkers and Loss

 The individuality of grieving is just that, individual.

I lost my kitty in March.  She was pushing 19 years old.  She would have been 19 today.  She led a great life and was a crazy cat.  The grieving though has been horrendous. See, here's the thing......before she was my feline daughter, she was my feline sister.  Bonkers belonged to my mommy.

In 2007, I lost my mom to lung cancer.  My niece wanted Bonkers. I was great with that.  After all, Bonkers was a peskie little feline sister that drove everybody nuts.  My brother, however, didn't think my niece should have her.  He said I should most definitely keep Bonkers myself.  After all, I had lived right next door to mom.  I lived in the country like Bonkers had.  He lived in the city.  Surely Bonkers would be much happier with me.

Bonkers was 5 at this point. 

I took that crazy thing in and loved her so much, a final living and breathing part of my dear mom. 

Just like she did with my mom, Bonkers loved to play tricks and pester others.  Most of the other pets were afraid of her. The dogs would never bug her. They knew they'd get beat up, even Mr Prey Drive husky wouldn't touch that girl.  

I remember when mom was still around, I went to her house one evening and she said so sadly "I think something is wrong with Bonkers, I'm worried she's sick".  I said her cat was too ornery to be sick and she was probably plotting something.  She said no, she was truly worried. She said that she had been in same place ALL day and hadn't budged even an inch and wouldn't respond to anything.  Again, I said "too ornery, she's fine".  Mom asked me to look for myself and took me to where Bonkers had laid for 10 hours straight.  She leaned over and said "look" and before she could get rest of sentence out, Bonkers jumped up real quick in the air at eye level with mom with a crazy look on her face and then just pranced off.

Mom said "OMG!! Bonkers!! You've waited ALL day for that"

That was the general personality of Ms Bonkers.  If you thought you knew what was going to happen next, just wait, you were probably wrong.

I miss that kitty so much, a living connection to my mom, no longer living.  :( 

Honestly, it's almost like losing mom again.  

(they behaved alike too)

Bonkers loved to eat moms flowers, my flowers, any flowers. 

I'm sure she's in Heaven with mom eating tons of flowers (and french fries, her other favorite food)

She said YES to the dress!!!

 

She said YES to the dress!

We looked at the dress in early February. Nothing even close to what she said she invisioned, so I suggested that she sleep on it and make sure that's truly what she wanted.

The dress was $1989. EEEK!!! Dresses sure went up in price since I got married.  She looked concerned over price and I told her if it was what she TRULY wanted, then  I would make it happen, not to think twice about it from price.  The lady in the shop came over and said the dress was currently on sale 30% off.  That meant it was "only" $1392.  We told her because it was so different from what she was originally looking for, that we were going to sleep on it and come back that following Monday if she decided it was the one.  

That Monday, it snowed and iced like crazy.

That following weekend, something else happened.

It was over a month later before we had even a little opportunity to go back. I was convinced sale would be ove and had my speech prepared to negotiate still getting it for $1392.

It was March 8th and I took the day off of work to spend time with my daughter and we had plans to check it out and if I couldn't arrange price, then we would leave and look at another shops dresses to see if same one there before we decided to bite the bullet. 

March 8th is my daughters birth dads birthday and I wanted to make sure to take care of her that day, love on her and make sure it was a good day of remembrance and special times instead of her staying in feelings missing him.  After all, she hadn't seen him since she was 7.  He passed away when she was 17 and she hated not being able to see him one last time.

We went in the shop, that dress was STILL THERE!!! It was meant to be.  We were so excited that the dress was still there (a genuine concern) that I forgot to ask to negotiate price.  

I'm convinced that baby's birth dad helped though.  The lady came up to us and said today only it's 50% off.  $994.50.  YES!!!!

She said YES TO THE DRESS!!!

And she loved that she said yes to the dress on her birth dads birthday.  She was so excited.  I told her that I was sure he helped her so that could be a way he was "walking her down the aisle" even though he wouldn't be physically present and when she gets weepy that day because he's not there to do that, I wanted her to remember he was there in the dress and was definitely with her.

Wedding Planning

 One thing that has kept me going in these times of adversity is the wedding planning.

I'm a planner by nature.  I love to throw big parties. Combination of the 2 = big wedding plans.

The icing on the cake is after talking with my lovely daughter, the bride to be, and her fiance, their idea of a dream wedding is so close to what my dream wedding would have been hat I can basically do what I'd like and it will make them happy.

Neither of them are planners.  They have nice dreams They have great ideas, but both are more "fly by the seat of your pants" and spontaneous.  Honestly, it's amazing they haven't been to courthouse yet.  One day, I wonder if I'll find out that they are already married and just waiting to tell us at the wedding.  

Its a rustic theme, in our backyard.  Full of lots of love, friends, a little family, good food, a good time is sure to be had by all.

We are 13 1/2 months out, but I've already got the photographer and DJ lined up. We have the meal planned although we haven't contacted restaurant yet.  Good ol pig pickin'.

They will drink from Mason jars, in memory of my side of the family, the Masons and also as a part of the rustic theme. Even the unity sand part of ceremony is in a personalized Mason style jar.  

I purchased the remaining bits of a wedding shoppe that went out of business.  It includes candelabra, arch, flowers, pillars and so much ribbon and fun. 

We have whiskey barrels for decor. I'm sure we will play lifetime donkey kong afterwards.  Some of the barrels even still have some whiskey in them.  

I honestly can't wait.  My fear is it's like Christmas Eve vs Christmas and the actual day will be a let down in comparison to the excitement of waiting for it. 

the hard one to write

 Husband and I have been having major issues since March 2018 to be precise. More than normal.

I'm heartbroken and it's been such a struggle.  We've been married 31 years and I feel like with over half my life being with him, that figuring out how to respond is so difficult.  He refuses to leave.  I refuse to leave.  Our home was purchased from my grandparents. I'd buy him out if he'd leave, but he's stubborn and since it's not a case of being physically abusive, it's hard to prove situation and no way to turn this around.

After a particularly hard week,  I finally got him to agree to counseling. I told him that was my only way I'd consider staying in this marriage.  That and meds for him. He's currently gotten 2 sessions under his belt. PTSD is horrible for the victim, but also horrible for the surviving supporting members of the victims family.

He's had complex PTSD for most of his life, due to severe abuse.  Unfortunately, 3 years ago, something happened and it triggered it so badly.  We haven't recovered yet and sometimes I feel that I have secondary PTSD from it.  

I'm jumpy.  I feel unsettled.  Although he's never physically hurt any of us, I feel fearful.  I genuinelly am afraid some days.  I also feel so angry.  Being somebody that never really had anger in their lives, this has been a difficult situation to deal with at best.  I feel sad. To the point that some days I wish I wouldn't wake up.  

I don't have an active death wish. Don't get me wrong.  But if I didn't wake up and I could know it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be sad and would be missed by very few.

During a huge fight the day after my birthday, police ended up involved. They claimed to be on my side and before you know it I was admitted to hospital for 3 nights.  It was horrible to be so degraded. I was strip searched for drugs that I could potentially use to kill myself.  I was lied to on numerous occasions.  But, the worst part was not having clothes or phone and worrying so much about my daughter.

She moved in with her boyfriend for that time span.  She felt unsafe and unsettled and angry as well.

I didn't speak with him my entire time there.  I did, however, speak with my daughter and her love several times.  

The doctors eventually figured out I wasn't crazy and this was a domestic dispute and I was released without having a hearing or any of the normal activities for psychiatric care.

Will I ever recover from this? I don't know.  I do know I definitely have empathy for those at 1 North. 

Opinions.....are parents best teachers?

 I read this question earlier.  

I don't think that has a blanket answer.  There are too many variables.  It depends on the child.  It depends on the parent.  It depends on the situation.

Given the COVID issue and so many kids "home schooling" now, I can see reason for question, but it's so much deeper than that. 

I would love to say I think parents are the best teachers, but what if a parent has no idea what to do? I would like to think that their school teachers could help overcome some of that and make the difference for that person. Otherwise, everybody would be destined to repeat the same cycles over and over again.  Nobody would ever be able to improve our communities because we would be limited to what our parents were able to do for us.  Or willing, whichever the case may be.

That said, my parents were definitely my best teachers.  

I hope that one day my child will say I was a best teacher.  I definitely tried to teach. So much true learning is more than a classroom. It's about critical thinking skills.  It's about experiences. It's about emotions and relationships.  It's also about knowledge, but how much more important it is to know how to find answers than remembering answers.  

Thank God for that.  My memory isn't what it used to be. However, I do know how and where to find some answers.  Hopefully that counts.

My mom used to teach me all kinds of things.  She taught me to read at 2.  She was persistent with her technique in how to teach me to do things. My dad taught me values.  My mom taught me what I got from playing at times. She taught me to look up answers. It was nothing for me to sit in living room floor looking up random information in an encyclopedia.  I can't imagine if google had been around in my childhood.  

We took our child many places, experiencing things, pointing out valuable things.  My husband will occasionally complain about our daughter being just like me.  I taught her that.  There are worse things that could happen.  Our life was a big field trip.  She didn't do great at school in memorization activities, but was great hands on.  Our field trips taught her much.  She will occasionally bring up something she learned on family outing that was fun.  

Play is our childs most important work.  

I'd like to think I'm a good teacher, but I'm certainly not willing to rely on me alone to be what has my daughter succeed or not.  I'm not so vain I don't think others have value.

Life really is a learning adventure until the day we die.  It's not just for kids. 

College? No college? Career? Change?

Name three things you’d do if you weren’t afraid of failure.

Work has not gone well for me lately.  I've had staffing issues, there has been COVID and then when stimulus's constantly, nobody has really needed a loan.  I'm in a rural area where $1200 and $1400 is more than alot of our customers net in a month on their job.  Then add 3-6 kids, they are raking in the dough. 

So, since my head is on the chopping block for lack of ability to grow in this climate because I'm taking payoffs and payments like mad (on the plus side, my past due percents are getting lower and lower by the second because they have money now), it's got me to thinking "what would I do if I did lose my job?"

I don't have a college degree.  I've been in the financial industry since 1987 (I was 17).  I make twice as much as the average citizen in this area because we are a rural, depressed, underdeveloped county with low median incomes.  I can NOT change a job and make anywhere near as much money as I make.  

Oh, let me rephrase. I don't make twice as much as average citizen. I make twice as much as average FAMILY in this area. On my own. 

Some of you may know, my husbands lack of work is a sore spot.  A thorn in my side, I have to realistically think "what if?".

If I weren't afraid, what I'd really do would be give up the rat race and ONLY do things that make me happy and that I'm passionate about.  Unfortunately, that would lead to a drastically different standard of living. 

After all, how much money could I make writing? How much could I make doing baby and engagement photography without expanding to the high costs wedding photography? (there is nothing I'd hate worse than my hobby being a chore with bridezilla).  How much could I make just renting out all this wedding stuff  I purchased from a wedding shop that went out of business?  In a high end market, yeah, in a depressed economy, most will marry at church or court and use their materials.  How much could I make converting photos to digital? How much could I make selling stuff on ebay?  Flip or flop on stuff to put on ebay could be fun, but realistically, would I make enough to make it worth it?  Professional stalking? Well, no, not really, but skip tracing for people that need to find out about people, where they are for collections? or searching birth family from adoption? etc

On the bright side, the house is paid for.  The only car not paid for will be paid off in February 2022. I could have a garden to feed myself.  God knows I have plenty of land.  All I'd need is enough for electricity, supplies to support my hobbies and needs, insurance, clothes, meat to go with what I grow, and pool supplies of course.

Huge difference in standard of living, but I could live. Maybe living off the grid wouldn't be horrible.  I could cut the cable off and get raku tv or use firestick.  Internet and cell phone may be a challenge, but it's doable.  

Sometimes I just need to convince myself I don't need ANYBODY to make things happen and I can live just fine.  I'd be without insurance and medical pretty quick but I'd be able to survive at least, maybe following passion could provide a thrive even without the finances being stable.  Doubtful, but maybe.  I am pretty accustomed to my life style.  

COVID

 How did I go the whole year of 2020 and not post anything? How did I lose my password again? 

All that extra time and I forget.

Where we left off at, so much has happened since then.

Covid, my daughter graduated, she's engaged now, her sister finally has a foster home of her own. So, I'm thinking now that the girls are virtually grown, I'm going to write about random things. 

I need to find friends. I need a life outside of the kids. What will I do when my monkey gets married? Even though we are best friends, she deserves a strong marriage with the ability to separate childhood and adulthood. 

Meanwhile, I'm having a ball hanging with them. They include me in so much. COVID, ironically, drew us so close together. 

Friday night family dinners started including fiance long before he was fiance.

We did outdoor activities and grew so close. 

With the absence of the "noise" of other people, it's amazing what work gets done in relationships. Unfortunately, what drew us close can also separate others. That's a story for another day. Not ready to tackle that emotional train wreck yet.

My diary on some days, random ramblings other days, but either way I'm back.

Now, how to change my blog title. Still Dreaming doesn't seem appropriate for the goal. Maybe chasing dreams?  

So I'm coming back!

 I've decided it's time to put in writing all these thoughts running in my brain and I finally remembered my password so here I am. Stay tuned....