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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Dysfunctional Families & Unconditional Love

When kiddo first moved in, DH and his mother were not speaking.  She'd said something totally inappropriate and we cut her out until she could think over what she said and agree to watch her mouth.

She told DH that he deserved the abuse he received from his father when he was a child. NO child EVER deserves to be abused. Given that we were trying to adopt and knew abuse was very likely, there was no way we'd ever let her be near our child until that was handled.

About 5 months after kiddo moved in, DH and his mother made up. He made it very clear that this was not going to go on in front of her new grandchild and to watch what she said, that words could be very damaging.

Fast forward a few months......we find out one of DH's siblings had his mother cosign on a loan and has defaulted. Given her financial situation and that she's trying to find a new place to live, it made sense to offer some emotional help.  She cut us out of her life for that.  She defriended all 3 of us on facebook. That was over a month ago.

Today she refriends kiddo.  Not us, just her. One rule we have on kiddo's page is she only uses it here in the room with us and I have the password. She can only have approved friends on it.  They were messaging and I basically sent her a message on kiddo's page thru pm that we are working on showing kiddo unconditional love and continuing to defriend/block/friend again is not helping that and the 3 of us are a team and she can choose all of us or none of us.  She responded back with oh well, she can contact me in 6 years and you can't do anything about it.

Really? THIS is what you want your granddaughter to see?

We explained to kiddo what happened and she said "well, at least I still have one grandma" (moms best friend) and she also said "I bet my grandma in heaven is cussing this grandma out for that".

We told kiddo we were sorry that this kept happening, but this was NOT the unconditional love of a family and she deserved unconditional love like she receives from us.

She's mad, but it's not at us.

Were we wrong? I don't see where we were wrong to set those boundaries.  We can't have a child with attachment issues getting messages like this from her "family".  She's had enough dysfunction.

What I would give to have my mommy back. DH tells me all the time that me and my mother are the reason that he got over his attachment issues so well and learned what a healthy family was suppose to be like.  All I want is a healthy environment for my child and I'm furious, sad and disappointed that her grandmother chooses to have no relationship with her granddaughter over having a relationship with all of us.

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