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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

The Need Behind the Behavior

 I was reading some bad parenting meme's on an adoption board today and people arguing about whether they had validity or not.  I got to thinking about some of them and some of the behaviors we have seen from our child and some that were in her file that we've never seen.

I'm paraphrasing because I don't agree with the meme's the way they were worded, but reading between the lines, this is essentially the meaning of them.

If your child habitually lies, you may have overreacted to mistakes in the past.

This is a biggie, very common in the foster/adopt world.  Considering the abuse most have suffered, most have probably been subjected to authority figures overreacting.  Lying may also mean the child doesn't feel safe sharing with you.

Lying is something that has been an obstacle for us to overcome with our child, and her sisters foster parents have all said that as well.  We've seen much improvement by making it safe to tell the truth no matter what.  

If your child has poor self-esteem, it may be because you advise more than encourage.

This is so easy to do.  We need to build up our babies, encourage them to be the best they can without constantly trying to tell them what to do.  Telling our babies what to do vs leading them to good choices can make them feel as if we don't trust them to develop and make their own choices when appropriate.

If your child is jealous, it may be because she/he is compared to others consistently.

This is something we were told was the case with our child. She's an only with us and not jealous at all anymore. We never compare her to others.  Before, she felt inferior to her baby sister and others and did feel this pain.  I can see this.  Of course, this isn't the only reason jealously occurs, but it certainly can be a contributing factor.

If your child doesn't respect other peoples feelings, you may be always ordering them around and not giving importance to their feelings.

Their feelings are important too. Their lives matter.  Our child came from an environment where her voice was never heard, her feelings were diminished.  This has been a biggie to try to overcome, but I can definitely see where this plays a part.  I've seen healing along the way, but 11 1/2 years of not having her feelings matter and her voice being heard has definitely contributed to how she reacts to others.  

A child with multiple placements quickly begins to belive their feelings do not matter, therefore, they lash out at anybody and everybody.  

If your child is rude, this was probably learned from parents or others living with them.

This is pretty much obvious. Lead by example. The more good behaviors your child sees, the more they demonstrate.

If your child is secretive, it may be because you've blown things out of proportion frequently.

It's not the only reason.  I was secretive as a child too, because I learned that from my family.  They weren't very open about some things.  We kept my dad's alcoholism a secret.  My friends only spent the night during the summer during the week for the most part, because that's when he was definitely sober.  

My child is secretive and yes, her past has a history of things blown out of proportion frequently....ie, her defending her baby sister and being sent to a psychiatric hospital, with them being told she was violent. The whole picture wasn't told.  Things were blown out of proportion majorly.  

If your child intentionally disturbs you and interrupts you constantly, you may not being affectionate enough.

Obviously, if you don't pay attention to your child, they will do things to get attention.

If your child is scared of everything, they may not have been given opportunities to problem solve and learn that they are capable of doing things.

This is just a few of them, but the point is remember, everything we do has a reason. Everything our child does has a reason.

Why do we think it's okay for us to go bonkers when we have a bad day and get grouchy and snap, but think it's not okay for our child to? They learn from us. Be the difference. 

Every child is one involved aadult away from becoming a success story.  

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