Continued from yesterday....
Reminded of the iceberg analogy, what we see is on top, but there is so much beneath the surface that we don't see. We have to look at the message behind the words, the message behind the behavior to chip away at that iceberg. It may melt just a little at a time and seem so formidable, but one day, that iceberg is going to be just a chunk of ice or a memory.
If your child claims to hate you, it's fear based. More often than not, it may come from a fear that we may not embrace them and be committed. It's a rejection of us before we can reject them.
If your child claims you're the worst mom/dad ever, it's a cry for help. It is also fear based. Something is making them not feel safe.
Does your child claim they wish they'd never been adopted? It's not a rejection of you. Of course they wish they hadn't been adopted from time to time. It's not the adoption that they want to get rid of, it's the pain that caused the adoption to need to occur. No adoption comes without some form of loss.
Have you ever heard "I wish you were dead"? As painful as this is, it actually may be sign that they are attaching. Fear based and a history of abandonment, if they can reject us and make us "disappear" before they get too attached, it's not going to hurt as much later. Usually this is the exact opposite of what is meant, it's more like "I'm terrified you'll leave me"
We have the power to address, but not the power to control.
We can't control what is said, but we can control what is heard.
Check out Bryan Post. He makes so much sense looking for the need behind the behavior. It's in our interest as parents to remember all emotions come from a place of fear or love. Fear generates the behaviors that are so difficult to parent.
We can control how we respond to the behaviors though. I know, easier said than done.....the more we practice connection and looking for the why, the more we can help healing continue. As healing continues, the negative behaviors subside.
This may be the very reason that every big jump in healing usually comes after a huge setback. It's how we handle the emotional outbursts that matter.
(Choose Love ~Bryan Post)
Also quoted from Bryan Post "Our job as parents is to help the healing process, not to try to control it"