One More Loss

Adoption comes out of loss. 

We only have our daughter because she was removed from her first parents.  Despite that things weren't perfect, they were her parents, she loved them and in their own unhealthy ways, they loved her. How could they not?

As she went into foster care, there was so much emotion for her to deal with, so much loss and grief to deal with.  She'd one day move to another home, be adopted, and get disrupted again, losing yet another set of parents.

4 1/2 years after being removed from her birth home, she'd move in with us and it would take many years before she'd start feeling safe and know that we were in it forever and that forever wasn't just a word people said.

12 days short of 6 years from the day she moved in, our little girl, who's 17 and so grown, would wake me up to tell me she couldn't sleep.  Restless, she finally headed back to bed to attempt to get back to sleep.  A night full of restlessness, I was checking my phone and saw I had a message.

Her birthmom messaged and said "message me back ASAP. It's important".  I felt that sinking feeling knowing something had happened.

Kiddos birthdad had just passed away about 30 minutes prior to that.  Coincidentally, about the time kiddo had entered my room to tell me she couldn't sleep.

It had been 8 years since she had seen him and I knew that despite the time, despite the love for us, that this would not be an easy conversation.

Putting it off as long as possible that next morning during our Saturday morning ritual of cuddling with the pups, I finally told her.

She was devastated.

She laid on me and let me just rub her hair and tell her I love her.

As her tears flowed, all I could think about was "why? why does my baby have to go thru so many heartbreaks in her lifetime?"

She will go thru the loss of parents so many times in her life.

She lost both birth parents once when she was removed.
She lost her first set of adoptive parents when the adoption was dissolved.
She lost her birth father through death.
One day she'll lose her birth mom through death.
One day she'll lost us through death.

Why? Why does my baby have to be subjected to so much pain in her short life thru far?  Why does she have so much pain ahead of her?

Not only does she have so much loss and grief, but somehow because she's adopted, the past isn't suppose to matter, she doesn't have the same support others have when they lose somebody.  People don't get her pain the way she deserves to have people understand her.

I'm so glad she knows it's safe to talk to us, but I do wish more understood that a kind word, a gentle encouragement, something is better than ignoring her pain.