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Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Disruptions, Rehoming, Etc

A few pages I've been on lately have been "debating" on whether it's okay to rehome or disrupt an adoption.

I don't see what the debate is.  The answer is a big fat no.  I have a really hard time understanding how anybody could think it was okay.

Can  you imagine growing up with childhood trauma that leaves you with PTSD, anxiety, depression or more and feeling like because you had bad behaviors that you were going to have to leave the home you're in.

How many parents say when they adopt that they love their child as much as a bio child.  I know I do. I'm convinced I love my child probably even more than I would a bio child. She feels like as much a part of me as my heart does.  If they really do, why would they ever relinquesh rights to their child?  I suppose I should be grateful it's legal, since that's the reason I have a child.

Yes, our child was adopted previously.  Yes, they gave up on my amazing child.  Yes, they have serious issues.

Why do  I still disagree with it? Because if things were done properly, the adoption wouldn't have happened to begin with and therefore, she wouldn't have had yet another significant loss in her life.

When I think back to those first months and even years of placement with our daughter,  I look at how far she's come and I'm amazed. Amazed that she has been so receptive to being willing to love and be loved.  For those first few years, she always wondered after every meltdown she had if that was when she was going to be "returned", as if she was a defective purchase.   She tried everything possible to make us give up on her before she got too attached.  We made a commitment to raise her, to be there for her and never turn our backs on her.  She's stuck with us whether she wants to be or not.

There are several that "defend" those that dissolve their adoptions, saying "Well, they had to, it was dangerous to have them with their bios" or "well, if they can't handle the issues they should let them go to somebody who can?"  These are the same people that have adopted and know that there is a waiting period of at LEAST 6 months after they move in before it's even okay to adopt.  How does somebody NOT realize there are problems in that length of time?

When we read kiddos file, it was so evident that they were never a good parental match for her.  The struggles they had and how they handled them, yet, they continued and adopted her anyway?  Pride standing in the way.  If things are tough, ask yourself "What would I do if I had given birth to her?" and follow that.

Many times the child does so much better in the second home, as was the case here.  That's another reason people "defend" dissolutions.  I say that's why she should have gotten here sooner.  We were meant to be her parents. She was meant to be her child.

Yes, I'm passionate about that. Yes, I get angry about that.

I also have read about how the cases somebody were aware of "they were extreme and required residential treatment or forced to relinquish in order to get the child the care they needed and how sad it was for all involved.  Of course it was sad for all involved, but again how did they not know there were problems before adoption? If it's THAT extreme, there is NO way that there were no red flags.

Yes, my child was one of those "extreme" situations that required residential treatment, or that's what her file said.  So not true.

After a month there, it finally came out the real story and that's where "find the need behind the behavior" comes in.

Our child and her past is the reason I'm so passionate about it and why it angers us so much.  She's thriving with us but I get more angry over the last adoptive parents than the biological parents.  The red flags were there. They didn't try attachment parenting. Reports are done and sent to court before adoption to explain why the adoption is a good idea.  How did they in good conscience send that report in.  So much heartache could have been prevented.

She's best here and not there. We provided what she needed when they couldn't, but if they hadn't adopted when it was obvious it wasn't a good match, there would be one less disruption out there and alot more calm years in our girls life.


3 comments:

  1. Just this morning the county and my foster agency decided my 6 year old foster daughter needs a therapeutic foster home. We are on the verge of adoption, TPR happened, much of the paperwork has been submitted, her child prep has been done. The staff involved don't know if our family is the right fit for her anymore, after 3 years. I have been trying to ask myself what I would do if she were my biological child and I honestly don't know. She needs more help than we are getting right now with a TSS worker and mobile therapist. This I know and I've been begging for it for well over a year. What finally got the attention of the county and our foster agency was me writing down all I could remember that has occurred in the last 3 years and emailing it to everyone. It's 7 pages long. Typed. I don't know what the final outcome will be, if she will be allowed to return after time in a therapeutic home. It's sad and it's hard and soul-crushing. I guess I'm telling you all of this because your post struck a nerve with me. I don't take adoption lightly and having promised to adopt her, as has been the intent for so long now, I feel like the worst person ever to see her (potentially) leaving after all this time. What's even harder is I have her little brother too, since he's 3 days old and his adoption will continue forward while hers has stalled. There is no good way around this. It's just so hard.

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  2. I don't know the answer to that, but I will say there is a huge difference between that and a dissolution, which occurs post-adoption. Have you considered training for credentials to become a therapuetic home to be prepared for her. our daughters sister has gone thru a ton of homes that aren't right spot for her unfortunately and as much as it breaks my heart (some make me angry, others not) I'd lose my mind if she'd went thru that after adoption. Every move scars the heart a little more, but those moves after adoption when they're legally your child and it's suppose to be forever, per law and given up, huge, huge issues. The pages of things the former family said I could say too on all but one of the behaviors, the difference was how they were handled. The difference led to the final behavior.

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    1. I don't know if I could simply attend the trainings without taking the licensing. I would have to change agencies, which would make things difficult for the little guy (he's three and been with me since he's 3 days old) because he doesn't need a therapeutic home. I do see the differences, since our adoption has not yet been finalized, but I still promised to adopt her and we've spent a great deal of time talking to her about permanency, so I think in her little mind, it would be the same thing. I heard, from various professionals, I cannot help her that this needs to happen for her to get healthy. So, this too makes me doubt my agency would help me pursue training in therapeutic foster care. Before my home, my daughter bounced around with and without her mom, but she has now been in the same place for three years. There is hope, once the behaviors have stabilized in the therapeutic foster home, that my daughter can still come home and the adoption can be finalized. Too many things are up in the air at the moment, making it hard to gauge what might or might not happen in the future.

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