A few pages I've been on lately have been "debating" on whether it's okay to rehome or disrupt an adoption.
I don't see what the debate is. The answer is a big fat no. I have a really hard time understanding how anybody could think it was okay.
Can you imagine growing up with childhood trauma that leaves you with PTSD, anxiety, depression or more and feeling like because you had bad behaviors that you were going to have to leave the home you're in.
How many parents say when they adopt that they love their child as much as a bio child. I know I do. I'm convinced I love my child probably even more than I would a bio child. She feels like as much a part of me as my heart does. If they really do, why would they ever relinquesh rights to their child? I suppose I should be grateful it's legal, since that's the reason I have a child.
Yes, our child was adopted previously. Yes, they gave up on my amazing child. Yes, they have serious issues.
Why do I still disagree with it? Because if things were done properly, the adoption wouldn't have happened to begin with and therefore, she wouldn't have had yet another significant loss in her life.
When I think back to those first months and even years of placement with our daughter, I look at how far she's come and I'm amazed. Amazed that she has been so receptive to being willing to love and be loved. For those first few years, she always wondered after every meltdown she had if that was when she was going to be "returned", as if she was a defective purchase. She tried everything possible to make us give up on her before she got too attached. We made a commitment to raise her, to be there for her and never turn our backs on her. She's stuck with us whether she wants to be or not.
There are several that "defend" those that dissolve their adoptions, saying "Well, they had to, it was dangerous to have them with their bios" or "well, if they can't handle the issues they should let them go to somebody who can?" These are the same people that have adopted and know that there is a waiting period of at LEAST 6 months after they move in before it's even okay to adopt. How does somebody NOT realize there are problems in that length of time?
When we read kiddos file, it was so evident that they were never a good parental match for her. The struggles they had and how they handled them, yet, they continued and adopted her anyway? Pride standing in the way. If things are tough, ask yourself "What would I do if I had given birth to her?" and follow that.
Many times the child does so much better in the second home, as was the case here. That's another reason people "defend" dissolutions. I say that's why she should have gotten here sooner. We were meant to be her parents. She was meant to be her child.
Yes, I'm passionate about that. Yes, I get angry about that.
I also have read about how the cases somebody were aware of "they were extreme and required residential treatment or forced to relinquish in order to get the child the care they needed and how sad it was for all involved. Of course it was sad for all involved, but again how did they not know there were problems before adoption? If it's THAT extreme, there is NO way that there were no red flags.
Yes, my child was one of those "extreme" situations that required residential treatment, or that's what her file said. So not true.
After a month there, it finally came out the real story and that's where "find the need behind the behavior" comes in.
Our child and her past is the reason I'm so passionate about it and why it angers us so much. She's thriving with us but I get more angry over the last adoptive parents than the biological parents. The red flags were there. They didn't try attachment parenting. Reports are done and sent to court before adoption to explain why the adoption is a good idea. How did they in good conscience send that report in. So much heartache could have been prevented.
She's best here and not there. We provided what she needed when they couldn't, but if they hadn't adopted when it was obvious it wasn't a good match, there would be one less disruption out there and alot more calm years in our girls life.