Odd Feeling.....

Adoptive placement papers are signed and our agency has requested knowing whether we want to keep our license open.

Given our babys history and how she's doing now vs prior placement, it's very obvious that she is just right as an only child.  We started our journey only wanting one child, and opening ourself up to siblings if the right match showed up.

Back to only child again.

My silly girl cracked me up, but just affirmed our decision to close our license.  One of her little friends baby sister called me mommy about 1/2 dozen times yesterday. Princess said "No, that's MY mommy".

She doesn't want to share us at all.

All that said, somehow after so long waiting thru this journey for our baby to show up, it feels VERY weird to close the license.  Shortly, there will be no more social worker visits, no required training (although our trainer said we're still welcome to come to the trainings we feel would help us, but that they could no longer send invitations, but she'd keep me in the e-mail loop).

What will life be like just being a family?

Triggers

Yesterday, we went to the last foster care court date and then afterwards met up with her baby sister for a lunch date.  Baby sister is matched with a family now and once she's out of the group home, she'll be going home to them.  We got to meet them.  It was the 2nd time the family had met with S. They thought by C being there, it'd calm S down enough to not be nervous with the new family there.  S & C have both responded very differently to time in residential.  S wants to stay in it. It's "comfortable" for her, while our baby always preferred the idea of permanent home and family. 

The visit was GREAT and they had a great time together, but OUR baby had a BAD case of the crazies yesterday after leaving.

  

We didn't get quite out of the area before the storm hit bad and a tree was down in front of us, the storm and the tree triggered her bad and apparently I totally stressed her out by putting it in 4 wheel drive and going thru the median to get around the long line.  (it was better long term to do that though, because otherwise I'd have stressed her for longer out by sitting there stressing and being in the storm, I felt like if we got her out of the storm, she'd settle) 

It took awhile to settle though. She still is feeling some anger at being separated from S. Daddy held her hand all the way thru the storm, we traded off driving and talked to the Princess about it not being either of their faults that they don't live together, but that having one on one attention is going to give both of them a better opportunity to heal and that we'll always support their continued contact.

  

She yelled and screamed and cried a good hour (at least) on the way home.  She said she's nervous about her birthday because she's never had a "real" party and wants it to be fun and afraid nobody will show up, she's upset that her and S don't live together (she admitted she thinks the F family seem good for her, but I think on some level, she thought as long as S was in residential, she still had a chance of her living with her, despite what she was told prior), she said she yells at us because she doesn't know how to love and that she's mad that she lost so much of her childhood and that when we do fun things together or do something nice for her, she thinks she doesn't deserve it and it reminds her of what she's missed. (she also physically is no longer a baby as of last week, and that triggered alot and she's mad that she's growing up, wants to be a baby and mad that we couldn't find her when she was about 3)

  

So, while the tantrum was HORRIBLE, we're both super proud that she could communicate that much in between her yelling/screaming/crying fits.

  

She wanted to play when we got home. I told her I was tired from being yelled at and that I loved her, but I needed a rest first, that she could either sit next to me quietly or play with the pets.  She chose to sit on my lap and rub the dog. Once she was regulated, we were able to do some bonding activities and ended on a positive note for the day.

  

And then today, the crazies started agan, lower key than yesterday, but so exhausted from yesterday and just want to sleep.  Say your prayers that we get thru all this with minimal damage to each other.  Right now, she's being super sweet and loving, and apologized, we had a good talk and trying to heal.