Past life......

When kiddo turned 13, her prior adoptive parents sent a gift and a letter.  We let her have gifts, but always put the letters in a file for when she's older and ready to tackle that.  She does know that we have them, however, and that she can ask when and if she ever gets ready for them.  Sometimes she just asks if there is anything in the letter that she'd want to know.

That was 2014.

The letter was addressed to "kiddo PRIOR last name".  We sent a letter that gifts and letters weren't necessary, but that if they felt the need to send them, to please NOT use their last name.

Over 3 years later before we heard from them again.  Last week we received a letter (sent thru DSS).

The letter was addressed to "Kiddo RANDOM last name".  I thought  I'd die.
Too funny.  Kiddo thought so too.

They were kind enough to send her pics of their dog (hers previously) finally.  They also sent a pic of themselves.  She took the dog pictures and asked if she could cut their picture to pieces.  I'm guessing she's not ready to deal with them.

Her grandfather when she was with them recently passed away.  I always worry about loss and grief effects on the trauma brain, even if it's not somebody she's currently close with.  One of her best friends mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that's scary to watch as well.  Every loss brings back feelings of loss and all that she's been through.

This week we heard from bio aunt.

Kiddos biological mom is in ICU, stroke and blood clot on the brain.

We let her know what was up.

She was very concerned about that happening to her one day.  We had a good talk about genetics and environment and how lives are a mix of both.  Pretty sure at least part of the concern was for the 1st mom, although she'll never admit it.

I know she means it when she says she has no desire to see her, but I also know that she cares about her.

Hopefully all this will not turn her too wonky.

Disruptions, Rehoming, Etc

A few pages I've been on lately have been "debating" on whether it's okay to rehome or disrupt an adoption.

I don't see what the debate is.  The answer is a big fat no.  I have a really hard time understanding how anybody could think it was okay.

Can  you imagine growing up with childhood trauma that leaves you with PTSD, anxiety, depression or more and feeling like because you had bad behaviors that you were going to have to leave the home you're in.

How many parents say when they adopt that they love their child as much as a bio child.  I know I do. I'm convinced I love my child probably even more than I would a bio child. She feels like as much a part of me as my heart does.  If they really do, why would they ever relinquesh rights to their child?  I suppose I should be grateful it's legal, since that's the reason I have a child.

Yes, our child was adopted previously.  Yes, they gave up on my amazing child.  Yes, they have serious issues.

Why do  I still disagree with it? Because if things were done properly, the adoption wouldn't have happened to begin with and therefore, she wouldn't have had yet another significant loss in her life.

When I think back to those first months and even years of placement with our daughter,  I look at how far she's come and I'm amazed. Amazed that she has been so receptive to being willing to love and be loved.  For those first few years, she always wondered after every meltdown she had if that was when she was going to be "returned", as if she was a defective purchase.   She tried everything possible to make us give up on her before she got too attached.  We made a commitment to raise her, to be there for her and never turn our backs on her.  She's stuck with us whether she wants to be or not.

There are several that "defend" those that dissolve their adoptions, saying "Well, they had to, it was dangerous to have them with their bios" or "well, if they can't handle the issues they should let them go to somebody who can?"  These are the same people that have adopted and know that there is a waiting period of at LEAST 6 months after they move in before it's even okay to adopt.  How does somebody NOT realize there are problems in that length of time?

When we read kiddos file, it was so evident that they were never a good parental match for her.  The struggles they had and how they handled them, yet, they continued and adopted her anyway?  Pride standing in the way.  If things are tough, ask yourself "What would I do if I had given birth to her?" and follow that.

Many times the child does so much better in the second home, as was the case here.  That's another reason people "defend" dissolutions.  I say that's why she should have gotten here sooner.  We were meant to be her parents. She was meant to be her child.

Yes, I'm passionate about that. Yes, I get angry about that.

I also have read about how the cases somebody were aware of "they were extreme and required residential treatment or forced to relinquish in order to get the child the care they needed and how sad it was for all involved.  Of course it was sad for all involved, but again how did they not know there were problems before adoption? If it's THAT extreme, there is NO way that there were no red flags.

Yes, my child was one of those "extreme" situations that required residential treatment, or that's what her file said.  So not true.

After a month there, it finally came out the real story and that's where "find the need behind the behavior" comes in.

Our child and her past is the reason I'm so passionate about it and why it angers us so much.  She's thriving with us but I get more angry over the last adoptive parents than the biological parents.  The red flags were there. They didn't try attachment parenting. Reports are done and sent to court before adoption to explain why the adoption is a good idea.  How did they in good conscience send that report in.  So much heartache could have been prevented.

She's best here and not there. We provided what she needed when they couldn't, but if they hadn't adopted when it was obvious it wasn't a good match, there would be one less disruption out there and alot more calm years in our girls life.

The Foster World

It's so annoying to find somebody in the foster world that just doesn't get it and doesn't put the kids first.  It's really annoying when they say something out of line and they have no idea you adopted out of foster care. It's even worse when it's a customer and you have to choose between keeping your job and letting them have it.

I said a few things without crossing any lines, but there was so much more I wanted to say.

A customer of mine said he'd went to training and was considering opening a residential facility local. In the next breath, he talked about being late because he didn't have a full foster payment because he'd just disrupted on the boy he'd had for awhile.

He said the paperwork was unreal and I'd be shocked to know how much was involved in foster care. I told him then I adopted from foster care, so yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

It went from bad to worse.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still fuming.

He said he was considering adopting this boy that's been with him, but he was acting out so bad since TPR happened and he just couldn't do it. The boy was having sex, begging him to drive him to see girlfriend, not turning loose of his phone and he just couldn't do it.

I said "Poor guy, he's probably been feeling some pretty big anxiety about all that".

He said I didn't get it and obviously I got a "good child", not the problem kids he always has gotten.  He said he was really tired of social workers not telling the whole picture.  I get that part, but his thing was "This boy had 14 placements in 3 years and the worker didn't tell me until I put in my notice".

I told him I get the frustration about not having the full picture and agreed he should know that so he could prepare. He said nobody would ever take a child with that many placements if they knew.  I said I thought some would and that just because some familes aren't the right match doesn't mean there isn't a good family out there that is a good match.

He said some kids just don't have a match and shouldn't have a family.

I was fuming.

At that point I ended the conversation and sent him on his merry way because I was either getting fired or arrested if it went any further.

If somebody is in it for the money and not the kids, then they need to get lost.

If they're burnt out, it's time to not take another child on, much less consider opening a residential center.

and yes.....he said he chose the agency he did because they paid the most.  I'm not buying that, but still.

He said he was considering residential because of the money. :(

This is why foster parents get a bad rap.  I hate this.

Meanwhile, all I could think about was kiddos baby sis and her number of placements and hoping she doesn't end up with somebody like him, hoping she ends up with a good family and not age out of care.

I think of my child, her residential stay, her disrupted adoption (or is that dissolved? I always get confused). It was after adoption was final.  Yet, she still worked at it, was willing to try to trust us, was willing to try to be a family girl and he she is in the family she's meant to be with, being cherished, loved and treasured forever.

In some ways, kiddos baby sis situation is made worse by being so daggone cute.  She gets so many inquiries because of that and then either gets shut down, they get turned down for not being a good match, they back out because of her history or she gets disrupted after in a home.

It's time to stop the cycle. Can you be the change the world needs to see? If you can be stubborn and out stubborn some cute kids that need a healthy home, and can provide healing and patient, connected parenting, please consider fostering, adopting or both.

WOW!! What a weekend

Thursday we drove 4 hours to see our niece graduate Friday morning.

We got there and found out that the graduation had been moved to Saturday and nobody had bothered to tell us.  Our niece said her mom had said she'd told everybody.

Fortunately, kiddo didn't get too wonky.  Normally a change in schedule or appearance of rejection would have her off the wall, but fortunately not this time (so far)

We had dinner with our niece and came home Friday morning instead of after graduation.

There were no extra rooms in the area, we had teacher scheduled to come out and babysitter for the dogs only thru Friday  night.

Hubs and kiddo both think it was intentional.  It may or may not have been and honestly, whether it's intentional or not, I'm just glad we got to see our niece. It was obvious she had no clue we hadn't been updated.  I'd have been mad if we drove 4 hours each way and didn't even get to see her.

Why intentional? Hubs and sister in law do not get along at all.

The positive is that we avoided the trigger of crowds (graduation) and loud people (sis in laws family).

The negative is this schedule change last second, combined with mothers day weekend could potentially blow up.  Trauma kids can act out big time mothers day weekend. Some because the first moms were abusers, others because the first moms didn't protect them from their abusers.

As we were driving down the road, when it was hubs turn to drive, I was checking my messages and I'm very concerned that baby sis's placement is getting ready to disrupt. I hope they'll keep trying.  We have respite scheduled for next weekend for them, but it's sounding like it may not make it until then.  I really hope it doesn't disrupt before then. Kiddo is looking forward to this visit so much.

One placement disrupted the day before our adoption was final and little sis didn't get to make it.  If another disruption is right before they get to see each other, this will add pain for our daughter.

I am hoping that they'll postpone making a decision and let us see if we can make some progress with her, show her that her big sister is fine and not acting out, coach her a little and help her be calm, eliminating at least one stressor.

Fingers crossed, praying, join me in whatever you'll do.

Stalking AdoptUsKids

Yeah, we know we're happy with 1, but I still check it out every week to see if any of the other kids we've submitted for in the past have found their forever families yet.  It is distressing to see how long it takes some of these kids to find a family and I want to know they're okay.

I got so excited this week when I did my weekly check.

The teenager we did respite for is now 17 and has finally been placed in her forever family. She's such a special girl.  I'm so excited that she has found a family. She wanted us to adopt her and it hurt my heart to know she was disappointed, but I knew that C was suppose to be our daughter (we had JUST applied for her at the time we did respite) and in addition, we really wanted 12 or younger.

LOVE seeing these kids find families. I wish it didn't take so long though.  I hope she's happy with her new family and that they love her the way we love our bear.

1 of the kids we applied for when she was 11 is now 14 and still no family :(

1 of the kids we applied for when she was 11 and has disrupted twice is now 14 and back on the site.

H that spent the weekend with us just disrupted the second time. :(

I hate seeing disruptions, but I will keep checking until they are all placed. There has to be a family for these girls.

Implementing Training

I don't get it.

I really don't.

I got an e-mail today. Kiddo's baby sis is still in residential. Her SW said a breakthrough was made.  They discovered why she has tantrums when she's in homes and not in residential.

Apparently at 4:30 every day in residential, all the kids take their showers.  At 7 pm, they have all the kids go thru teeth brushing.

In every home that has disrupted, her baths and such have been RIGHT before bedtime, when she's already tired. She gets grumpy when she's sleepy, like kiddo, only apparently worse.  She tantrums really bad, but when she is instructed to do these things during daylight, she has no issues doing this.

I was so angry, I was seeing red.

1. When we brought kiddo home from residential for our first overnight visit, one of the first questions we asked was about her schedule. We thought (common sense AND training) that it made sense to find out the schedule ahead of time and not turn her world upside down
2. Did NOBODY think it made sense to try something different if her tantrums were ALWAYS at the same time of the day
3. One of our playdates with S, at 2 pm, S said "It's time for my snack, it's 2 pm".  we JUST had eaten a snack at that point. What that told us....she's VERY schedule oriented.

If it's that obvious her schedule is important to her, why wouldn't a family keep her schedule until she's somewhat settled and at least gradually get her on the family schedule.

I'm so upset. If this is true and none of them tried to work that out, it's absurd.  

This little girl has had 4 homes since she turned 9. 

My heart is broken.

Monster

Not sure what's going on, but kiddo has been struggling bad the past 3 weeks.

Another instance of hoarding food (in the playroom/guest bedroom).  It was so disgusting when I found it, that we really had no choice but to remove the bed from the guest bedroom.  We put her cute peace sign chair in their so she can still use it as a playroom.

I wish I knew what was bugging her. I know S being moved so much lately has her really upset, but for some reason I don't really think that was the trigger. Mommy instincts say otherwise. Her BFF says she's not been talking to her much lately either and she normally will talk non stop to her about S.  It's so hard for me to pinpoint.  S moving again, my spraining my ankle and her spending time in the ER with me couldn't have been easy (especially since her last placement (supposedly--sw says so, C says it happened before then too) went South due to medical issues turning her adad into a monster no child should have to deal with) and my having to go out of town on business.  Maybe a combination of all those stressors took it's toll?

I hope that her therapist can get something out of her Wednesday.

Huummm, just realized she's been wound up ever since her last therapy session.  Wonder if she walked out a little unsettled and hasn't calmed down? Not sure, but either way, I want my consistent baby back instead of this up and down baby.

Yesterday was a great day. Although she didn't want to get rid of the bed, she understood why and once the room was rearranged, she loved it and we sat in the middle of the floor and played one of her new Christmas games.  I so hope we can have another good day today.

I hate Winter and I tend to get depressed during Winter so I hope kiddo isn't channelling me and picking up on my mood and thinking it's directed at her. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I bought broadway tickets to see The Adamms Family for us all, hoping to give us all that pick me up we need.

Kiddo's squealing when I told her---priceless!!!

First Night Apart

I'm not sure who was struggling more, me or kiddo.

I had a business trip Sunday-Wednesday.  I left here Sunday and while it was obvious kiddo wasn't happy about my having to leave, she didn't cry or anything.

I got about 15 miles up the road and remembered I left my shoes behind. Who does that?  So, I turned around and came back for my shoes. When I went to her room to tell her bye again, I found her laying on her bed crying and she said she missed me already. Totally made me cry, of course. Then again, I'm a crier anyway.

I went on my trip and when  I arrived, I called home. Hubster said she calmed down and they played games all afternoon together.  Monday, he said after they hung up from talking to me, she cried some more.

Monday evening, I was on my way to my hotel room when her former SW called to tell me that baby sis S is being moved yet again.  This time, she'll be returning for a second trip to residential. I'm so heartbroken about that.

I waited until Wednesday when I returned before hubster and I told our Princess about her baby sis.  I didn't want her worried about that when she was already struggling about my being gone.  (I assumed it was being afraid that I would abandon her and not come back, but SW says she's pretty sure it demonstrates a healthy attachment forming and that I should be happy with the response)

Princess response? "Ok, well, my show is on, can I get back to it now?"

I'm pretty sure we're in for a really rough fallout when this hits her. She's NEVER had a response like that to her moves, normally we get a temper tantrum about people giving up on her and how bad it is to have that many moves.

On a lighter note, S seems genuinely glad to go back to residential. That screams severe RAD to me. Hopefully, she can get some healing this time.

Christmas Party

Adoption/foster agency has a Christmas party every year for foster families and kids awaiting adoption. It was decided that we would be invited even though we are finalized so kiddo could see her baby sister.

It was our first time meeting the new mom. Imagine our surprise when talking to her finding out she'd been there barely over a week, the family we knew about and not met had already given up on her.

So sad for Lil S. So many moves. :(
That's family #5 now for her plus residential since the joint adoption disrupted.

Sad for her and furious that we were not warned in advance. Major trigger, our daughter got stressed and worried about sis and went back to hoarding food over the weekend and stress binging, eating uncooked cinammon rolls.

I wish I could make things better.

Disruption

We finally broke the news to the baby about her baby sisters adoption disrupting. She is FURIOUS.  She has ranted and raved about that family giving up on her baby sister and how it's not good to keep moving her around like that and how she needs somebody to stick it out and be there for her always.

Then she has asked both me and daddy separately for us to adopt her sister after her adoption is final.

We were stressed out thinking the disruption may put an irrational fear that her adoption would get messed up at the last minute too, but obviously she sees us as sticking it out and showing her faith in us by thinking we're good for her sister too.  Although, it's cute that she wants to wait until after her adoption is final. I guess if it was her sisters "fault", she wanted to make sure she's good first. lol

We have to keep explaining why they were separated to begin with and that it wasn't our choice they be separated, but they both need undivided attention and love until they can move past their past.

On a positive note though, her sis will be 4 hours closer to us so they'll be able to have frequent visits together and probably some overnights as well (assuming they behave and don't trigger each other too badly for overnights).  We are excited about that. C is NOT happy that we don't know this family and can't vouch for them. She's afraid they'll give up on S too.

I told C that I'm bummed about the disruption too and sorely disappointed in the family giving up so easily, but that what we needed to remember was 1) there is a home that she's suppose to be in and 2) she deserves to be as loved and spoiled as C is and that there is a family that's been waiting and searching for S and we're going to have to hope and pray it doesn't take long for them to find each other.

so much going on.....

In the midst of all the excitement and craziness with the adoption finalization, we got sad news.  Our Princess's sister is NOT going to be adopted by her current foster family after all. Apparently she's too much for them.  My crazy antenna went off before the SW called though. Prophetic dreams, gotta love them.  (always have had crazy nightmares about specific people right before something major and negative happened, but only if they were really close to me, I guess my closeness with C spilled over to her sister in my dream abilities)

I dread breaking the news to our Princess. This close to our finalization I don't really have a choice but to wait before telling her so she doesn't spend the next 2 1/2 weeks stressing and worrying we'll change our mind. At the same time, we can't wait too long, because we have to let her know before finalization so she'll either 1) understand why S is there with somebody other than the family we thought would adopt her or 2) isn't there at all.  S is still coming IF she's placed elsewhere by then and her new family can bring her, but they will not be bringing her if she's with the current family to not put them all in the uncomfortable position of talking about her upcoming adoption that is not happening.  I think it could be good for her to see her big sis happy and see a forever family is possible, but I do NOT want her to have to go thru that if she's with a family that has already decided not to proceed and her feel jealous and left out. :(

For now, she's still in that family while they look for a therapeutic foster home (and preferrably an adoptive setting) for her to move to.

Princess C got a letter in the mail from S today, along with a framed school pic of her. S's letter was too sad and sweet. It said she misses her super much and wants to see her really bad and for her to please remember all their good times together.

I suspect S is having second thoughts about this only child thing.

The SW is trying to find a home closer to us for S, so the girls can spend more time together. I hope that happens, but most importantly a happy, healthy, safe home that she can thrive in and be as cherished and loved as our little Princess is here.

I felt very flattered that the SW asked if I had any leads of good families that S could go too, but very disturbed that I honestly couldn't think of a good match for her. :(

I'm keeping my eyes and ears open though.

On a lighter and more positive note, reports cards came out today. With all the struggles and wondering if she'd pass 5th grade last year, her first middle school report card: 2 A's, 3 B's, 1 C. I'm so super proud of how much better she's doing this year and how well she's adapted.

Guess we'll be broke. After the grades of 5th grade, we really tossed the incentive out there to get her work done and do her best.  She rose to the challenge. Maybe this will give her a good taste of success and keep her working hard. I hope so, at least.

Smart girl said she's saving the money for adoption weekend when we're off in the big cities so she can spend it there instead.

LOVE THAT GIRL!!