Disruptions, Rehoming, Etc

A few pages I've been on lately have been "debating" on whether it's okay to rehome or disrupt an adoption.

I don't see what the debate is.  The answer is a big fat no.  I have a really hard time understanding how anybody could think it was okay.

Can  you imagine growing up with childhood trauma that leaves you with PTSD, anxiety, depression or more and feeling like because you had bad behaviors that you were going to have to leave the home you're in.

How many parents say when they adopt that they love their child as much as a bio child.  I know I do. I'm convinced I love my child probably even more than I would a bio child. She feels like as much a part of me as my heart does.  If they really do, why would they ever relinquesh rights to their child?  I suppose I should be grateful it's legal, since that's the reason I have a child.

Yes, our child was adopted previously.  Yes, they gave up on my amazing child.  Yes, they have serious issues.

Why do  I still disagree with it? Because if things were done properly, the adoption wouldn't have happened to begin with and therefore, she wouldn't have had yet another significant loss in her life.

When I think back to those first months and even years of placement with our daughter,  I look at how far she's come and I'm amazed. Amazed that she has been so receptive to being willing to love and be loved.  For those first few years, she always wondered after every meltdown she had if that was when she was going to be "returned", as if she was a defective purchase.   She tried everything possible to make us give up on her before she got too attached.  We made a commitment to raise her, to be there for her and never turn our backs on her.  She's stuck with us whether she wants to be or not.

There are several that "defend" those that dissolve their adoptions, saying "Well, they had to, it was dangerous to have them with their bios" or "well, if they can't handle the issues they should let them go to somebody who can?"  These are the same people that have adopted and know that there is a waiting period of at LEAST 6 months after they move in before it's even okay to adopt.  How does somebody NOT realize there are problems in that length of time?

When we read kiddos file, it was so evident that they were never a good parental match for her.  The struggles they had and how they handled them, yet, they continued and adopted her anyway?  Pride standing in the way.  If things are tough, ask yourself "What would I do if I had given birth to her?" and follow that.

Many times the child does so much better in the second home, as was the case here.  That's another reason people "defend" dissolutions.  I say that's why she should have gotten here sooner.  We were meant to be her parents. She was meant to be her child.

Yes, I'm passionate about that. Yes, I get angry about that.

I also have read about how the cases somebody were aware of "they were extreme and required residential treatment or forced to relinquish in order to get the child the care they needed and how sad it was for all involved.  Of course it was sad for all involved, but again how did they not know there were problems before adoption? If it's THAT extreme, there is NO way that there were no red flags.

Yes, my child was one of those "extreme" situations that required residential treatment, or that's what her file said.  So not true.

After a month there, it finally came out the real story and that's where "find the need behind the behavior" comes in.

Our child and her past is the reason I'm so passionate about it and why it angers us so much.  She's thriving with us but I get more angry over the last adoptive parents than the biological parents.  The red flags were there. They didn't try attachment parenting. Reports are done and sent to court before adoption to explain why the adoption is a good idea.  How did they in good conscience send that report in.  So much heartache could have been prevented.

She's best here and not there. We provided what she needed when they couldn't, but if they hadn't adopted when it was obvious it wasn't a good match, there would be one less disruption out there and alot more calm years in our girls life.

Is your goal attachment or compliance?

Connection before correction. True compliance doesn't come until attachment arrives. You may get behaviors you want short term, but not the understanding of the behaviors if you don't focus on attachment most of all. If you want long term success, please look for the need behind the behavior.


Imagine your child came from a history of abuse or neglect. They don't know what to expect. They have no idea what a family would be like.


Why would we think somebody coming in from situations so much different would understand the dynamics of a family. That's just setting yourself and your child up for a hard road. It very common, for a child to experience this feeling. There will be a lot of new things your child experiences after bringing them home. Don't expect 100% compliance on day one. It's nuts. This is a long journey and little things along the way "we do this as a family" or "we do this because...."


Please don't push because they don't want change. Change is hard for everybody, extra hard for your trauma child. Show grace, show love, show vs tell. What you do is so much more important than what you say.


You think you're just like other families, yet, something must be wrong. Your new child is pushing back on everything, even things that don't appear to matter. You want her to be comfortable but she just fights every thing. She doesn't have a clue how to articulate what she feels. She may not even know. It's unfamiliar. This just feels wrong to her.


Why would we be surprised that unfamiliar territory would be rejected initially? Isn't this true for most of us? It must be so much worse on a child, ripped from everything she knows, clinging to everything she's ever done. Then these strangers that claim they'll adopt her want her to be different. I'm sure she feels that's an attack or criticism. Without a solid structure in the early years, all the sudden parents that try to communicate....scary!!


So, your child that just moved in is annoyed that she has to sit at the table and eat dinner as a family. You've cooked a great meal, not a tv dinner in the microwave, not sandwiches on paper plates. She's scared that she's going to break a plate. She's scared she'll not like the new food. She's scared she'll never have junk food again. Why on Earth would a family insist that every little detail be the way they want it. Your child wants to eat off paper plates? Let her. She'll eventually move to eating on real plates with the family. She just nitpicks at dinner and doesn't really eat, OR she eats so fast you don't know what happened to the food. Poor kid was neglected perhaps? She's afraid it's her last meal. Of course she crams it in before somebody can take it away. You're eating as a family and she's never been taught table manners, she may nitpick because she doesn't want to mess up. It's okay. Let her grow in her own time. I promise it's not forever.


Your food served overwhelms her. How about making some of her favorites, some of yours and have her take a bite of yours each time. Gradually she'll learn to enjoy real food. Kiddo's favorite food is Calamari now. Before if it wasn't nuggets, burgers, fries, peanut butter or cheese, it was frowned on.


All the kids in your family attend private school. You always assumed you'd send your own kid to also. Your new daughter throws a tantrum about that idea. We ended up letting kiddo go to public school even though we wanted private school because private school was scary, more attention and she was hypervigilant and felt bad and didn't like too much attention, whether negative or positive. After a childhood full of having no attention, that small of a classroom can be too much attention and overwhelming and lead to failure more than success. Maybe private is the right answer, but please look at the need behind the behaviors before making big decisions.


Your kid is struggling in school. That's why you want her to go to private school? She needs a tutor for almost every class but nobody has nurtured her education so she refuses to participate and she shuts down? Hummmm....sounds familiar. Despite D's, your new daughter says she knows how to to do everything by herself (because she's had no help and it's overwhelming, accepting help equals something being "wrong" with her) Our daughter struggled back the first few years, we focused on attachment vs grades and now she's an honor student, almost all straight A's, proud and has goals. Before she didn't even believe she had a future.


Maybe the answer is home schooling, maybe it's unschooling, maybe it's an IEP, maybe it's private school, maybe it's public school, maybe it's just giving it time. For us, time was part of the healer. The other part was her temporary stint with homeschooling after ankle surgery. That gave her the confidence to get caught up without fear of looking dumb in front of classmates. A teacher came in and with one on one time, within a few months, she was ready to tackle the world. It took 4 years for our child to let me help her with her homework. She wants you to believe she doesn't need help. She wants to be under the radar and not have to switch homes yet again. She has no clue why she's been through so many foster homes. Maybe the last one didn't have time for that and she's scared. Let her know you're available, but don't push yourself on her. Homework is not the end all. (but that's another story that I could easily go down a rabbit trail on)





What? She doesn't want to go to church with you? Have you heard her thoughts? Is it a deal breaker? or is it that you don't have child care? or that it's that important to you? "I hear that you don't want to choose this religion, but as a family until I know you're safe and can prove you can handle being alone thru behaviors (or whatever), I will need you to be at church with us". We're a mixed religion family so we were well prepared in this area, being very tolerant and understanding that not everybody has the same needs.


However, recognize that some kids feel like they're being condemned at church and that they already think they were removed for being bad deep down and this just further antagonizes the problem, so be prepared if she decides not to continue with any religion. Our child was manipulated at times in the name of religion. Religion makes her feel not good enough. We can show Christian love without the stress she feels in organized religion. I truly believe God would prefer we show love than talk it.


Maybe she doesn't want to do any extracurricular activities. We pushed our daughter to try things, but ultimately she does better jumping on her trampoline alone than team sports, etc, fear of failure, rejection from others, not being sure she'll be there long term and not wanting to get close to others, a hodge podge of reasons. We asked ours what she was going to do to fill that time spot as she dropped out of activities along the way. Yes, they are good for you, but it's not the end all. Ours has tried soccer, softball and piano and gave them all up, with time she's getting better about commitment. It took ages before she invited friends outside of the friends that were children of my friends over. She thought she wouldn't be here forever, so why bother getting close to her classmates.


Maybe your child gets angry because you say no too much. She feels like she was always allowed to do "xyz" before but now you don't let her. You don't let her because you're a good parent and it's not a good choice for her. How do you make her understand she was never allowed to do "xyz" its just that she was neglected and nobody ever watched her. Maybe nobody cared what she did or where she went. That's part of why she was taken into care. Never bad talk the birth family. Empathize, be real and truthful, but don't attack the person, just be clear about the behaviors. "I didn't have you as a baby and this is how we do things, even if you don't feel like you need xyz, I do, humor me". She eventually saw it for what it was and I never had to bad mouth others.


Give your child a chance to make choices. Say yes as much as possible. Yes helps her learn that you WILL provide her needs and even some of the wants.


What do you mean your child doesn't understand what an adoption is? Of course they don't, they know their birth family couldn't do it long term, why would they think a stranger will accept them for who they are?" Our baby had a failed adoption even, so that added another dynamic to the mix. It's a long ways between being a family in name and being securely attached.


How do I help her without her shutting down? Attachment, attachment, compliance isn't goal, attachment is. Attachment comes with patience, diligence, time and effort, an effort not to make it about me, but about relationships.

Measuring Bonding

There was a thread on facebook about adoption disruptions, why they happen and how people can even consider disrupting.

If you adopt a child, your child should be treated exactly as if they would be if they were born to you. In other words, if you wouldn't have given up if you'd birthed them, then don't give up just because they're not your blood.

I can't imagine loving our child any more whether she were born to us or not. She's the light of our life.

As the thread progressed, the question came up about how you measure bonding.

We got lucky. We adopted our daughter from an adoption that was dissolved and she fits in perfectly like a missing puzzle piece in our home. She's doing well and with work (attachment parenting) and attachment therapy, the bonding has occurred.  It was connection from day one and felt right right away, but even if there hadn't been that connection, I'm stubborn, we'd never give up.

As for answering how to measure bonding, I can't say I really know that exact answer, but I do remember some moments along the way that were good evidence in my eyes that bonding was happening.

We came back from vacation once and kiddo said "it's so good to be back home" and the way she said home was so different than other times. I knew she had become a family girl and was no longer just trying to fit in and feeling like it was temporary.

Early on when we visited her bio sis or social worker out of town, she'd pack stuff "to do" and a zillion baby dolls. The trip was 3 1/2 hours each way, but it wasn't about having things to do, despite what she said.  When we got home, she put her dolls away and told the other dolls and her dog that she didn't know why they were worried about the dolls being put up for adoption, they came home.  Tear jerker moment.  The day she started travelling light, I knew she knew we were forever and bonding had occurred.

We also own the house next door and rent it out. Kiddo said when she gets married, the renters go and she will move there. She said her and I will be talking from our front porches, she'll come eat our food and she'll send her kids to us when they're getting on her nerves.

For her, evidence we were in it forever was after massive meltdowns. She asked us on numerous attempts, tearfully, to send her back. We refused.

When we defended her in situations she wasn't accustomed to having support in, she knew we were going to take care of her.

When she was cutting, she had written a note to a friend that she was worried about us finding out and sending us back to foster care.  We found out, took her to the hospital and I took some time off with her to ensure she knew that we were serious about wanting her to be well, healthy and with us.  There have been no incidents since then.

The major one though, was after her foot surgery.  She was a demon for about 36 hours after the surgery and that was the roughest time we've had as parents (even more so than the cutting incident).  She had 6 weeks of having to depend on us for almost everything.  That, plus not giving up on how she behaved those first 36 hours, gave her the confidence to depend on us and know we were forever.

We still have issues, but nothing serious like that, knock on wood.

The food issues have been so much better over the past 6 weeks or so too
http://peskie-stilldreaming.blogspot.com/2016/05/food-and-family-progress.html 
So proud of her.

Have a few concerns about summer coming up, but also a few joys about it.  She's so much more relaxed in summer being here, not having school, etc.  But it is a challenge to get her out of the house and I want her to go out and enjoy things! She loves home so much that it's hard to get her out of the house when it's not a "required" activity, like school.

On the flip side, this is the first year that she's looked forward to vacation the way she is.

Holiday Triggers

Off and on we've experienced kiddo struggling during various holidays.

She's done so well over time that it's not always the same one or the same reaction, but there is generally obvious anxiety, even if it doesn't result in meltdowns.

Sometimes it does result in meltdowns, but whether those occur or not, I try to be sensitive to those holiday triggers that are all too common for trauma kids.

Acting out isn't a behavior problem though, it's a way to communicate the fear and turmoil they're feeling. It's difficult to articulate and many times, the child doesn't even realize the holiday is what triggered the problem.

Fathers Day and Mothers Day have been 2 of the harder holidays for kiddo.

It's logical though.

Imagine being a little kid and while you're still little, your father leaves.

Fast forward a year or two and the abuse starts.....your mother isn't able to keep you safe.  Eventually Social Services steps in and removes you from the only mother and father you've ever known.

Hard enough even if you stop there.

Now picture you moving to a different home. You're told you're safe there.  Abuse starts a year or two later.

Now you've lost the next set of parents you had.

Of course by the time you end up with your forever family, you're just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Not only do you worry about if they'll always be who they say they will and if you'll always be safe, but you're expected to be all nice and stuff for fathers day and mothers day and give them gifts and love.

No! Why would somebody with that background trust it.  Why wouldn't they think with pain to the past and mothers and fathers day trigger those memories of the past, the mothers and fathers that weren't able to be there for them.

One year for Fathers Day, we made the mistake of going to the beach for the weekend.  Oddly, it wasn't intentional to schedule it for Fathers Day, but just landed that way.

It was horrible.  Total trigger city.

Vacations were difficult early on. Kiddo thought she didn't deserve good things happening to her and vacations were a stressor, worrying if she was behaving well enough to deserve all that fun. Add to that, the knowledge of Fathers Day.....already there is distrust of men in general, now you are suppose to pretend that everything is normal, that you haven't lost so much before this point, that you don't remember the good moments with the past families....you pretend you don't remember the bad moments with the past families....both hurt in their own way.

The next Mothers Day, I had to constantly remind myself not to be upset with her.  She didn't wish me a Happy Mothers Day. She didn't make me a card or anything. It was just another day. I wanted that normal day that a mom usually has, but demanding would be useless and meaningless.  Waiting and not having an expectation would help and be healing for her.

Now, time is creeping up and she's mentioned being away of Mothers Day around the corner.

With the healing that's gone on over the past year or two, it'll be interesting to see how she handles that trigger.

I'm not mentioning the day though.  I am preparing myself and telling myself not to have expectations, even though she "says" she's making something for me.

The first Mothers Day here, the adoption wasn't final. We were sorta in our honeymoon stage, meltdowns, but not fully attached yet at that point. Regardless, I'll treasure that card she made that said I'm the best mom ever.

While she said what she thought she should at that point, I'm accepting the challenge for that to be what I am to her.

We're now attached, but she still has insecurities.  It may be a long time before we have a complete year of holidays and no triggers, but that's okay.

I will understand and accept my childs feelings.

I will also realize there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a holiday.  ie. Christmas....we use to love to feed the hungry on Christmas. Kiddo is triggered by crowds and noise, we changed that tradition. We used to visit family on Christmas. We stay home now. It's just for us.  We have zero expectations of a "perfect" day.

Guess what? When we decided it was okay not to be perfect, that's exactly what the day is!! Maybe not perfect in other peoples eyes, but perfect for us.

Three Little Words

Ashley Rhodes-Courter wrote an amazing book that I just read yesterday.  Three Little Words.

Nope, the three little words aren't what you're thinking.

I couldn't put the book down.  A very fast read, but very inspirational insight into life as a foster child.

It was good on several levels, but I also saw so much of my daughter and her sister in this book.  The author writes about her journey in foster care and adoption, as well as a little about her younger brothers journey.  So many similiarities and I felt so much.

I can't even imagine the pain of a foster child, going through so much of the childhood on broken promises from the bio families, not knowing when/if you'll ever be home, so many that go through so many placements, the blame game and wondering why you're not good enough  (when it's not that at all), the uncertainty, the actual liking of an institution because it's safe, not being sure you'll be fed, not getting to keep your belongings from one place to another, the lost relationships, the fear of new places and learning new rules constantly, the worry over your sibling(s) and wondering if they'll ever be happy and have a forever home, the conflict of wanting to know how the bios are, combined with perhaps never wanting to even see them again, the survivors guilt of having your own family and finally being attached, even if insecurely and the hyper vigilance you develop and not being able to relax.

The writer speaks of finding the need behind the behavior, not her exact words, but it's so evident that if something is going on, you should find out what the cause is, not just lay blame.  I hurt for how much pain my child (and others) have been through. I can't understand why a parent wouldn't get how hard it is to go through this and not understand why/how it could take time to build that healthy attachment.  Our family is attached, but it's not an immediate action, it's something that develops with time.  How can one trust somebody immediately when everybody up to that point has let them down.

Everybody understands when somebody is grieving after a death, but so few understand why somebody grieves with losing somebody over and over again, even though it's not through death.  I don't see how somebody can not understand.

It only takes one to make a difference though. Be the difference!!

Ashley overcame so much and to have made such an impact is inspiring.

I can't wait to read the sequel.

Attachment Therapy

I hate using the term attachment therapy, because it's not exactly that, it's not the rebirthing, holding, etc that tends to get lumped in with attachment therapy.  We've restarted attachment therapy as a booster, it's exercises led by an attachment specialist that promote bonding between child and parent.

Our facilitator is very well versed in attachment disorders and attachment healing and works with families and children on a regular basis. She's a fan of Marshak methods.  Before we got started, she talked to kiddowith us and asked her what her thoughts were and why she requested this. She said she didn't feel as close because we don't do as much together and she's on her trampoline or swing. Then she admitted she tells us to go away when we try to engage, and said she doesn't want to be like that.

What we did tonight:

• me, daddy and kiddo formed a "circle" and one of us would put a beanie baby on our head and signal to the one that we were going to pass it to next with our eyes and drop it into that persons hands, who would put the beanie baby on their head and pass to somebody, it had to be random.  why it helps: eye contact and playing with each other
• simon says with a twist: daddy and kiddo would have a pillow between them while momma would go thru simon says "go forward, turn clockwise, go backward, whatever, as long as it was something you could do with a pillow between you". If you messed up, you had to start over. Then daddy led and kiddo and momma did that.  why it helps: listening skills, physical closeness, working as a team (if one messed up and the other didn't, the pillow would hit the floor)
• wrapping feet with aluminum foil. Both daddy and I had to wrap her foot up with aluminum foil. why it helps: physical touch plus some giggles if her foot is ticklish
• momma read the book "The Runaway Bunny" to kiddo.  It had a very relevant message obviously, with what all has been going on and showed how momma's would do anything to keep their babies.  With the pictures, it also gave us room for dialogue and comparison and I get close to her when reading and speak in voices appropriate for story. why it helps: communicates in non threatening method, closeness
• Momma and daddy traced kiddo's hand on a piece of construction paper and signed it for kiddo.  She got tickled at the differences in both the way the hands looked and the way we sign, but touching her hands were the whys.
• Kiddo put lotion on our hand liberally and pressed our hand on a piece of construction paper, lifted softly and sprinkled powder on our handprint.  Pressing and putting the lotion on created the touch, but lifting softly helped train to be gentle.
• She had to wash our hands and we washed her hands, then we shared an individual bag of doritos, feeding each other.  Touch and nurturing.  

After all that was done, we sent kiddo for a walk around the office and talked a little bit.  The specialist asked what we noticed about this time vs last time.  I said she seemed more gentle this time than before. She said yes, and that was the #1 key in telling progress was the feeding exercise.  She's very optimistic that she's well on her way to bonding and that this is a temporary setback. She also said she noticed she treats us differently and more gentle with me, but that she's still better with daddy than she was with either of us previously, so it's a huge deal.

Feeling good about things. I think kiddo  is too. She was happy on the way home, and not one of those fake happy things.  

Dysfunctional Families & Unconditional Love

When kiddo first moved in, DH and his mother were not speaking.  She'd said something totally inappropriate and we cut her out until she could think over what she said and agree to watch her mouth.

She told DH that he deserved the abuse he received from his father when he was a child. NO child EVER deserves to be abused. Given that we were trying to adopt and knew abuse was very likely, there was no way we'd ever let her be near our child until that was handled.

About 5 months after kiddo moved in, DH and his mother made up. He made it very clear that this was not going to go on in front of her new grandchild and to watch what she said, that words could be very damaging.

Fast forward a few months......we find out one of DH's siblings had his mother cosign on a loan and has defaulted. Given her financial situation and that she's trying to find a new place to live, it made sense to offer some emotional help.  She cut us out of her life for that.  She defriended all 3 of us on facebook. That was over a month ago.

Today she refriends kiddo.  Not us, just her. One rule we have on kiddo's page is she only uses it here in the room with us and I have the password. She can only have approved friends on it.  They were messaging and I basically sent her a message on kiddo's page thru pm that we are working on showing kiddo unconditional love and continuing to defriend/block/friend again is not helping that and the 3 of us are a team and she can choose all of us or none of us.  She responded back with oh well, she can contact me in 6 years and you can't do anything about it.

Really? THIS is what you want your granddaughter to see?

We explained to kiddo what happened and she said "well, at least I still have one grandma" (moms best friend) and she also said "I bet my grandma in heaven is cussing this grandma out for that".

We told kiddo we were sorry that this kept happening, but this was NOT the unconditional love of a family and she deserved unconditional love like she receives from us.

She's mad, but it's not at us.

Were we wrong? I don't see where we were wrong to set those boundaries.  We can't have a child with attachment issues getting messages like this from her "family".  She's had enough dysfunction.

What I would give to have my mommy back. DH tells me all the time that me and my mother are the reason that he got over his attachment issues so well and learned what a healthy family was suppose to be like.  All I want is a healthy environment for my child and I'm furious, sad and disappointed that her grandmother chooses to have no relationship with her granddaughter over having a relationship with all of us.

Playdate

The girls had a playdate today.

I finally figured out what's nagging at me, I just can't figure out the whole thing.

Every time we meet up, I see so much of my kiddo in her baby sis, which is to be expected.  But it finally occurred to me I'm seeing S treat kiddo alot like kiddo treated me early on.

What that means, I don't know.  Is she trying to bond and feeling insecure? Is she unsure her current role with her sis since they don't live together? It's very obvious they love each other.  S thinks our kiddo hung the moon.

I'm reminded of our attachment therapy with kiddo.  S is acting like she wants to be the "leading lady", a tad bossy, but sorta sweet about it. She definitely wants her own way, but on some level, I really get the feeling that it's not about wanting her own way, but seeing if she can get her own way and if she deserves it.

I want so bad for this little angel to do better with her therapy in residential this time and be ready to be a family girl when she gets out. I want her to find a family that will treasure her the way we do kiddo.  I want her to know what it's like to be spoiled and loved the way she deserves to be.

Not sure which of the 4 of us enjoyed today the most.

First Night Apart

I'm not sure who was struggling more, me or kiddo.

I had a business trip Sunday-Wednesday.  I left here Sunday and while it was obvious kiddo wasn't happy about my having to leave, she didn't cry or anything.

I got about 15 miles up the road and remembered I left my shoes behind. Who does that?  So, I turned around and came back for my shoes. When I went to her room to tell her bye again, I found her laying on her bed crying and she said she missed me already. Totally made me cry, of course. Then again, I'm a crier anyway.

I went on my trip and when  I arrived, I called home. Hubster said she calmed down and they played games all afternoon together.  Monday, he said after they hung up from talking to me, she cried some more.

Monday evening, I was on my way to my hotel room when her former SW called to tell me that baby sis S is being moved yet again.  This time, she'll be returning for a second trip to residential. I'm so heartbroken about that.

I waited until Wednesday when I returned before hubster and I told our Princess about her baby sis.  I didn't want her worried about that when she was already struggling about my being gone.  (I assumed it was being afraid that I would abandon her and not come back, but SW says she's pretty sure it demonstrates a healthy attachment forming and that I should be happy with the response)

Princess response? "Ok, well, my show is on, can I get back to it now?"

I'm pretty sure we're in for a really rough fallout when this hits her. She's NEVER had a response like that to her moves, normally we get a temper tantrum about people giving up on her and how bad it is to have that many moves.

On a lighter note, S seems genuinely glad to go back to residential. That screams severe RAD to me. Hopefully, she can get some healing this time.

Another Attachment Session

this one was at our home instead of the office, so it was interesting trying to keep Ms ADHD girl focused and not playing with the pets instead, but overall, very productive.

My favorite exercise was us "beeping" each others noses and "honking" our chins.  We both got a case of the giggles.  Then again, her trying to keep a straight face while I made her laugh was interesting too.  That took no time to get her to laugh three times.

We looked in a mirror together where I'd describe her as I see her.  The attachment specialist asked her if she believed me and she said yes.  P said she sees in her eyes that she wants to believe me, but not sure yet. I hugged my baby and told her I 100% meant everything I said about my beautiful girl.

We always end our sessions by eating, which means right before eating we wash our hands. This time was washing each others hands.  Right after daddy washed her hands, she immediately picked up the cat.  Daddy had to wash her hands again, while she was giggling.  P asked if she knew why she picked up the cat right after daddy washed her hands.  She said "Because I wanted daddy to do it again!"

P said very smart, most kids didn't communicate that that was why.

We got to watch each other instead of going in different rooms this time. It was so much fun to watch the baby and daddy playing together on these exercises.

Eating--P told her that feeding each other is a way to show each other we love each other (after munchkin was basically shoving crackers down my throat and I was being gentle, lol).  Babygirl proceeded to kiss me and tell me she loves me and P challenged her to show me by being gentle instead of so rough.

I can definitely see where these attachment sessions will pay off. We have fun AND build attachments.

On a related note, a kind soul sent me some attachment cards from Theraplay and daddy and I are finding opportunities to do some of these things without the structure of a session to build on it.

The Honeymoon

Everybody constantly talks about the "honeymoon period".  It's almost annoying how much the honeymoon is discussed. I find myself talking about how much I love our little girl and invariably, anybody that has experience with adoption says "You're still in your honeymoon period", as if that's going to change how much I love her.

I can say with certainty that I love my baby regardless.

Yesterday we had our first FAPT and VEMAT meeting.  It was determined that the honeymoon is actually over and that they consider her conditions pretty severe. It's actually reassuring to me because based on her behaviors, that she's being her and that even if things were never to get better, we'd totally always be hopelessly in love with this girl.

That said, totally need to work on some things. Calling another child at "molerat" at school, asking a teacher if she could bite her when she was mad, having complete meltdowns over homework or having to go to school in bad weather (storms are a major trigger), food binging at night, sleeping in clothes, bad grades, bedwetting 2-3 times a week and serious focus issues.  Some of these are just minor things that I note but don't "worry" about (ie, bedwetting is not a big deal, just a symptom of the need behind the behavior), but I want my baby to do well, both socially and academically, in school, so we have some work to do and I'm looking forward to seeing her progress into the sweet young lady she is.  She truly has a heart of gold, and she needs to know this is forever. 

The incident at school happened Tuesday. Wednesday as we went to meet with her social worker, our baby started crying and begged me not to tell what happened and changed her feelings chart on the fridge to sad.  I asked her why she was so stressed over us telling and she cried and said she was worried they'd take her away from me.  We assured her 1) that calling kids names and threatening to bite a teacher wasn't acceptable, but it also wasn't a reason for DSS to remove her from our care and 2) we wouldn't let somebody take her away over something like that.

Despite a zillion conversations about it and lots of hugs nd kisses, I don't think she believed us that she was coming back home with us because she packed about 15 baby dolls for the trip and her bag of coping skills, lifebook and photos.  She was such a happy girl yesterday afternoon when we got home and so loving (even more than normal and she's a loving child on a normal day). 

Good times or bad, we're in this together and I adore her.  I think we're handling her issues pretty well and starting to connect.  More on our attachment interventions later.