the family that wants to be baby sis's parents contacted us yesterday and said that they've been denied the opportunity to have her back. They are devastated, as are we. We actually think they were well suited for her. One of the few willing to put up with her crap and not give up on her.
It got me to thinking about how rough things were for baby sis while she was staying with them and wondering why she was going so crazy, when it was pretty obvious that she actually liked that family. They are the only family she's stayed in contact with while in residential.
I also realized that some of our most challenging times were while baby sis was with them too.
Hummm.....
I'm thinking it was the sibling visits.
They've been separated since May 2012.
They had a visit in fall of 2012.
In 2013, they saw each other April, June, November and December.
In 2014, they saw each other March, May, June, August, October, November and December.
In 2015, they saw each other in February, April and May.
That family entered the picture in October of 2015.
January-April was really rough for our family. Kiddo really started turning arond in May and has been at her best since May and at her worst January-April.
I can't help but wonder if they triggered each other so bad, that's why both of them have had their worst behaviors in ages early this year.
In August, just the mention of baby sis and kiddo asked to not have to talk on the phone with her yet. I asked kiddo to tell me when she's ready for calls and/or visits. To date, she hasn't requested anything.
Kiddo has been better than she ever was since May. We've had the calmest 6 months since our family has been established. Coincidence or because we told her she's allowed to control the frequency of visits?
Trauma Bonds are exhausting and heartbreaking.
I love both of these girls dearly and I just wish they could both be happy and well adjusted. I think ours is on her way there.
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label siblings. Show all posts
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Avoiding the Past
After the last few sibling visits, I realized we were totally wrong for even considering adopting the baby sis. The more I see them together, the more I understand that they probably would trigger each other horribly and we'd see bad regression.
They enjoy seeing each other. They worry about each other. They love each other.
They do NOT need to be together though. S's eyes dilated beyond belief (the fight/flight, anxiety, excitement), pulling Kiddos's arm off nearly, Our daughters's distress, all of it was more obvious than normal this last visit. Kiddos's PTSD was triggered at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. I don't usually see that during visits.
October-December, we had 3 visits together, that's way more than normal.
Kiddo moved in in December 2012.
Her first visit with baby sis after placement with us was April 2013, then June 2013, November 2013, December 2013, March 2014, May 2014, June 2014, August 2014, October 2014, November 2014 and December 2014.
I think they're too frequent now and we need to back off. As the frequency escalated, so has kiddos's anxiety.
Two recent signs of this:
I was sitting in the bathroom talking to kiddo while she was getting ready for school before winter break started and cuddling the kitten. I said something about my mom and she told me to not talk about my mom in front of the cat, it would make the cat sad and maybe she doesn't want to think about the past.
This weekend S called Kiddo and we missed the call. Kiddo refuses to call her back. No reason and I'm certainly not pushing it. I think it's obvious she's not ready for that right now, but still....I wish I had a crystal ball and knew how to handle things like this.
Sometimes our kids just want one family and would prefer not to see things from the past that are reminders of past neglect and abuse.
Kiddo has been a tad wonky since Thanksgiving. With these things, I wonder if it's because of the escalating visits.
She no longer even pulls out her life book.
I'll take the lead from Kiddo, I think instinctively she knows what she needs, I just wish she was a little more obvious about it sometimes, so I didn't feel like I was barking up the wrong tree later. Her body knows what she can handle and she may not be able to process these things at this time and stay healthy.
Even worse, it's hard because I know S is the opposite and needs more time with her, especially now, but our #1 priority is our kid and we have to protect her first. We'll do what we can for S of course, but we have to do that around what must be done for our own child.
They enjoy seeing each other. They worry about each other. They love each other.
They do NOT need to be together though. S's eyes dilated beyond belief (the fight/flight, anxiety, excitement), pulling Kiddos's arm off nearly, Our daughters's distress, all of it was more obvious than normal this last visit. Kiddos's PTSD was triggered at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. I don't usually see that during visits.
October-December, we had 3 visits together, that's way more than normal.
Kiddo moved in in December 2012.
Her first visit with baby sis after placement with us was April 2013, then June 2013, November 2013, December 2013, March 2014, May 2014, June 2014, August 2014, October 2014, November 2014 and December 2014.
I think they're too frequent now and we need to back off. As the frequency escalated, so has kiddos's anxiety.
Two recent signs of this:
I was sitting in the bathroom talking to kiddo while she was getting ready for school before winter break started and cuddling the kitten. I said something about my mom and she told me to not talk about my mom in front of the cat, it would make the cat sad and maybe she doesn't want to think about the past.
This weekend S called Kiddo and we missed the call. Kiddo refuses to call her back. No reason and I'm certainly not pushing it. I think it's obvious she's not ready for that right now, but still....I wish I had a crystal ball and knew how to handle things like this.
Sometimes our kids just want one family and would prefer not to see things from the past that are reminders of past neglect and abuse.
Kiddo has been a tad wonky since Thanksgiving. With these things, I wonder if it's because of the escalating visits.
She no longer even pulls out her life book.
I'll take the lead from Kiddo, I think instinctively she knows what she needs, I just wish she was a little more obvious about it sometimes, so I didn't feel like I was barking up the wrong tree later. Her body knows what she can handle and she may not be able to process these things at this time and stay healthy.
Even worse, it's hard because I know S is the opposite and needs more time with her, especially now, but our #1 priority is our kid and we have to protect her first. We'll do what we can for S of course, but we have to do that around what must be done for our own child.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
First Night Apart
I'm not sure who was struggling more, me or kiddo.
I had a business trip Sunday-Wednesday. I left here Sunday and while it was obvious kiddo wasn't happy about my having to leave, she didn't cry or anything.
I got about 15 miles up the road and remembered I left my shoes behind. Who does that? So, I turned around and came back for my shoes. When I went to her room to tell her bye again, I found her laying on her bed crying and she said she missed me already. Totally made me cry, of course. Then again, I'm a crier anyway.
I went on my trip and when I arrived, I called home. Hubster said she calmed down and they played games all afternoon together. Monday, he said after they hung up from talking to me, she cried some more.
Monday evening, I was on my way to my hotel room when her former SW called to tell me that baby sis S is being moved yet again. This time, she'll be returning for a second trip to residential. I'm so heartbroken about that.
I waited until Wednesday when I returned before hubster and I told our Princess about her baby sis. I didn't want her worried about that when she was already struggling about my being gone. (I assumed it was being afraid that I would abandon her and not come back, but SW says she's pretty sure it demonstrates a healthy attachment forming and that I should be happy with the response)
Princess response? "Ok, well, my show is on, can I get back to it now?"
I'm pretty sure we're in for a really rough fallout when this hits her. She's NEVER had a response like that to her moves, normally we get a temper tantrum about people giving up on her and how bad it is to have that many moves.
On a lighter note, S seems genuinely glad to go back to residential. That screams severe RAD to me. Hopefully, she can get some healing this time.
I had a business trip Sunday-Wednesday. I left here Sunday and while it was obvious kiddo wasn't happy about my having to leave, she didn't cry or anything.
I got about 15 miles up the road and remembered I left my shoes behind. Who does that? So, I turned around and came back for my shoes. When I went to her room to tell her bye again, I found her laying on her bed crying and she said she missed me already. Totally made me cry, of course. Then again, I'm a crier anyway.
I went on my trip and when I arrived, I called home. Hubster said she calmed down and they played games all afternoon together. Monday, he said after they hung up from talking to me, she cried some more.
Monday evening, I was on my way to my hotel room when her former SW called to tell me that baby sis S is being moved yet again. This time, she'll be returning for a second trip to residential. I'm so heartbroken about that.
I waited until Wednesday when I returned before hubster and I told our Princess about her baby sis. I didn't want her worried about that when she was already struggling about my being gone. (I assumed it was being afraid that I would abandon her and not come back, but SW says she's pretty sure it demonstrates a healthy attachment forming and that I should be happy with the response)
Princess response? "Ok, well, my show is on, can I get back to it now?"
I'm pretty sure we're in for a really rough fallout when this hits her. She's NEVER had a response like that to her moves, normally we get a temper tantrum about people giving up on her and how bad it is to have that many moves.
On a lighter note, S seems genuinely glad to go back to residential. That screams severe RAD to me. Hopefully, she can get some healing this time.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Christmas Party
Adoption/foster agency has a Christmas party every year for foster families and kids awaiting adoption. It was decided that we would be invited even though we are finalized so kiddo could see her baby sister.
It was our first time meeting the new mom. Imagine our surprise when talking to her finding out she'd been there barely over a week, the family we knew about and not met had already given up on her.
So sad for Lil S. So many moves. :(
That's family #5 now for her plus residential since the joint adoption disrupted.
Sad for her and furious that we were not warned in advance. Major trigger, our daughter got stressed and worried about sis and went back to hoarding food over the weekend and stress binging, eating uncooked cinammon rolls.
I wish I could make things better.
It was our first time meeting the new mom. Imagine our surprise when talking to her finding out she'd been there barely over a week, the family we knew about and not met had already given up on her.
So sad for Lil S. So many moves. :(
That's family #5 now for her plus residential since the joint adoption disrupted.
Sad for her and furious that we were not warned in advance. Major trigger, our daughter got stressed and worried about sis and went back to hoarding food over the weekend and stress binging, eating uncooked cinammon rolls.
I wish I could make things better.
Monday, October 21, 2013
so much going on.....
In the midst of all the excitement and craziness with the adoption finalization, we got sad news. Our Princess's sister is NOT going to be adopted by her current foster family after all. Apparently she's too much for them. My crazy antenna went off before the SW called though. Prophetic dreams, gotta love them. (always have had crazy nightmares about specific people right before something major and negative happened, but only if they were really close to me, I guess my closeness with C spilled over to her sister in my dream abilities)
I dread breaking the news to our Princess. This close to our finalization I don't really have a choice but to wait before telling her so she doesn't spend the next 2 1/2 weeks stressing and worrying we'll change our mind. At the same time, we can't wait too long, because we have to let her know before finalization so she'll either 1) understand why S is there with somebody other than the family we thought would adopt her or 2) isn't there at all. S is still coming IF she's placed elsewhere by then and her new family can bring her, but they will not be bringing her if she's with the current family to not put them all in the uncomfortable position of talking about her upcoming adoption that is not happening. I think it could be good for her to see her big sis happy and see a forever family is possible, but I do NOT want her to have to go thru that if she's with a family that has already decided not to proceed and her feel jealous and left out. :(
For now, she's still in that family while they look for a therapeutic foster home (and preferrably an adoptive setting) for her to move to.
Princess C got a letter in the mail from S today, along with a framed school pic of her. S's letter was too sad and sweet. It said she misses her super much and wants to see her really bad and for her to please remember all their good times together.
I suspect S is having second thoughts about this only child thing.
The SW is trying to find a home closer to us for S, so the girls can spend more time together. I hope that happens, but most importantly a happy, healthy, safe home that she can thrive in and be as cherished and loved as our little Princess is here.
I felt very flattered that the SW asked if I had any leads of good families that S could go too, but very disturbed that I honestly couldn't think of a good match for her. :(
I'm keeping my eyes and ears open though.
On a lighter and more positive note, reports cards came out today. With all the struggles and wondering if she'd pass 5th grade last year, her first middle school report card: 2 A's, 3 B's, 1 C. I'm so super proud of how much better she's doing this year and how well she's adapted.
Guess we'll be broke. After the grades of 5th grade, we really tossed the incentive out there to get her work done and do her best. She rose to the challenge. Maybe this will give her a good taste of success and keep her working hard. I hope so, at least.
Smart girl said she's saving the money for adoption weekend when we're off in the big cities so she can spend it there instead.
LOVE THAT GIRL!!
I dread breaking the news to our Princess. This close to our finalization I don't really have a choice but to wait before telling her so she doesn't spend the next 2 1/2 weeks stressing and worrying we'll change our mind. At the same time, we can't wait too long, because we have to let her know before finalization so she'll either 1) understand why S is there with somebody other than the family we thought would adopt her or 2) isn't there at all. S is still coming IF she's placed elsewhere by then and her new family can bring her, but they will not be bringing her if she's with the current family to not put them all in the uncomfortable position of talking about her upcoming adoption that is not happening. I think it could be good for her to see her big sis happy and see a forever family is possible, but I do NOT want her to have to go thru that if she's with a family that has already decided not to proceed and her feel jealous and left out. :(
For now, she's still in that family while they look for a therapeutic foster home (and preferrably an adoptive setting) for her to move to.
Princess C got a letter in the mail from S today, along with a framed school pic of her. S's letter was too sad and sweet. It said she misses her super much and wants to see her really bad and for her to please remember all their good times together.
I suspect S is having second thoughts about this only child thing.
The SW is trying to find a home closer to us for S, so the girls can spend more time together. I hope that happens, but most importantly a happy, healthy, safe home that she can thrive in and be as cherished and loved as our little Princess is here.
I felt very flattered that the SW asked if I had any leads of good families that S could go too, but very disturbed that I honestly couldn't think of a good match for her. :(
I'm keeping my eyes and ears open though.
On a lighter and more positive note, reports cards came out today. With all the struggles and wondering if she'd pass 5th grade last year, her first middle school report card: 2 A's, 3 B's, 1 C. I'm so super proud of how much better she's doing this year and how well she's adapted.
Guess we'll be broke. After the grades of 5th grade, we really tossed the incentive out there to get her work done and do her best. She rose to the challenge. Maybe this will give her a good taste of success and keep her working hard. I hope so, at least.
Smart girl said she's saving the money for adoption weekend when we're off in the big cities so she can spend it there instead.
LOVE THAT GIRL!!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Maintaining Connections
Finalization has been set for November. Of course it's in National Adoption Month. I genuinelly think that's why the delay.
We invited the babys birth sister and her new family to come. They've discussed it with her therapist and decided that that would be good for everybody.
so, YAY, the baby sis is coming.
I know this is going to be so great for our baby, she really misses her sis. It's also going to be great for her sister because she's been struggling horribly lately. Partially missing her sister, partially her normal struggles, but in August she moved into her new home and she said prior to that she doesn't want to be adopted, that she can't count on anybody to keep her, so why bother.
Really heartbreaking. Her new family is trying super hard to get her secure. We're hoping that when she comes to finalization and sees that over a year after we met C, that she's still happy, healthier than ever and see's the excitement with the adoption, that S will relax a little and let herself enjoy her new family. (they have not signed any adoption papers and will not until S is ready, they are currently her foster family)
We applied for the 2 of them initially, even though we also initially said we only wanted 1 child. The little one decided she'd rather they be separated. I suspect it's because she wanted to give our baby a chance and maybe felt one of them was messing up their placements and maybe if they were separated, at least one of them would find their forever home.
So glad our baby WANTED so badly to be adopted into a healthy, happy family with pets. Yep, pets was a requirement.
I'm amazed at how as our relationship with our baby has grown, our compassion for those important to her has also grown. I'm super excited her little monster sister gets to come to finalization.
Hoping it'll be a happy and stress free day for ALL involved.
We've made reservations near the courthouse for our hotel and going to The Melting Pot the night before for dinner, waking up and going to court in our matching shoes for the ceremony. After the ceremony we will be letting the girls play together until lunchtime, have lunch together and then we're off to VA Beach for one night. C has never been to VA Beach and she loved our beach trip to OBX this summer. Since VA Beach is only a couple hours away from court, we thought we'd just celebrate all day at the beach, have a nice dinner at the beach and come back home the next morning.
I'm so super excited. Have I said that lately?
We invited the babys birth sister and her new family to come. They've discussed it with her therapist and decided that that would be good for everybody.
so, YAY, the baby sis is coming.
I know this is going to be so great for our baby, she really misses her sis. It's also going to be great for her sister because she's been struggling horribly lately. Partially missing her sister, partially her normal struggles, but in August she moved into her new home and she said prior to that she doesn't want to be adopted, that she can't count on anybody to keep her, so why bother.
Really heartbreaking. Her new family is trying super hard to get her secure. We're hoping that when she comes to finalization and sees that over a year after we met C, that she's still happy, healthier than ever and see's the excitement with the adoption, that S will relax a little and let herself enjoy her new family. (they have not signed any adoption papers and will not until S is ready, they are currently her foster family)
We applied for the 2 of them initially, even though we also initially said we only wanted 1 child. The little one decided she'd rather they be separated. I suspect it's because she wanted to give our baby a chance and maybe felt one of them was messing up their placements and maybe if they were separated, at least one of them would find their forever home.
So glad our baby WANTED so badly to be adopted into a healthy, happy family with pets. Yep, pets was a requirement.
I'm amazed at how as our relationship with our baby has grown, our compassion for those important to her has also grown. I'm super excited her little monster sister gets to come to finalization.
Hoping it'll be a happy and stress free day for ALL involved.
We've made reservations near the courthouse for our hotel and going to The Melting Pot the night before for dinner, waking up and going to court in our matching shoes for the ceremony. After the ceremony we will be letting the girls play together until lunchtime, have lunch together and then we're off to VA Beach for one night. C has never been to VA Beach and she loved our beach trip to OBX this summer. Since VA Beach is only a couple hours away from court, we thought we'd just celebrate all day at the beach, have a nice dinner at the beach and come back home the next morning.
I'm so super excited. Have I said that lately?
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