Sibling Visit

Nancy Thomas said "A bond with an unhealthy sibling can stand in the way of the parent-child bond".  That's because the siblings carry a collective memory of the past trauma.  


We initially applied for our daughter when she was still with her sister.  Their adoption disrupted and initially it was perceived that our daughter was the issue.  Later it was determined to not be the case at all.  While we waited for several months, during that time, the girls were separated.  We saw our daughter listed as a singlet, needing connection to sister, but placed separately.  We submitted interest and immediately got a call, since her case worker had already reviewed our home study when they were together.

It was heartbreaking to think those 2 cuties would have to once again lose another family, but also each other.  Keeping them together though would have worked against their healing.  They needed very different things to be able to heal properly.

We were asked if we'd be willing to maintain contact and of course we were, no child should have to choose between having parents or siblings.  What we didn't anticipate though was falling in love with her sister.

Not on the same level as how we fell for our daughter, but lil sis has stolen our heart.

Over the past few years, I think we're slowly getting in her heart too.  She greets us with a huge hug right after she hugs and kisses her sister and she's finally saying "I miss you too" or "I love you too" when we say those very important words to her.

For the first 2 1/2 years, we could say that and she'd say "Uh huh" and we'd have to ask for hugs if we would get them, although hubs could get it willingly, she was much slower to trust me.  She enjoys rough housing with him, rubbing his beard, riding piggy back, etc.

Sometimes we have frequent visits, other times it's a long time between visits.  Our childs needs come first and we're the ones that have to do the most work to make it work.

After the heartbreaking phone call she had with her sister where she wasn't getting school pics because she's in a group home, After making a call to her social worker and offering to pay for the pics for her, she got her photos. I sent a note to lil sis to let her know not to just do without, if it's something like that and she can't find the right person to do it, to let me know or tell her sister to let me know and I'd work on it on her behalf and/or do it myself.

I really want her to learn that she can ask for what she needs and many times that's all it takes to get her needs met. She has needed to work on her communication skills for awhile, so it was a perfect opportunity to let her know we have her back.  I also let her know she's important to all of us, not just to her sister.

She called not long after and asked kiddo if she'd ask us if we could come pick her up for Thanksgiving. She wanted to come here, but didn't realize how far it was.  We told her it was a long drive and we couldn't get help to get her to us, but we'd come to her.

When we got there, I praised her for her progress and also for being willing to ask for what she needs.

So, what does she do? She asks me if someday I can get her a camera, lol.  Okay, it wasn't all material. She also asked me if I could get her social worker to try to find her Ipod which didn't make it in the move.

I told her good job asking and yes, I'd definitely ask her worker to search for her stuff and at some point, we'd find her a camera, but it may take a bit.  Managing expectations, you know?

As for the visit--it went pretty well.  She redirected easily, she's very proud of her progress and she accepts no better than she used to, not seeming to take it as personal rejection of her.  We were supse happy to see that and let her know that.

I did have to threaten to get her a dictionary though.  She has a mouth on her.  She also still has the rough play going on, "beating up" on her sister with an inflatable monkey because kiddo wouldn't give her the phone (which was because she was texting with bad language)

I was so proud of my daughter for standing up to her sister. She's always let her get away with anything she wanted and she said "why would you thinking beating me up will help you get what you want, that makes it LESS likely".  Made me double proud because I've used that on her and that means she's listening, taking it in and understanding.  Hubs told her not to be so aggressive, that acting out doesn't get you what you want.  She calmed down.

She does try the cutesy stuff to try to get away with things--ie. telling her to eat another bite and we'd order dessert to take to the park and she cuts one macaroni in half.  Ummm, want a re-do baby?!

This was the first visit in awhile totally just us an no supervision. She normally tests boundaries more without a witness anyway, but if that's her stretch, that's awesome.  

Her house mother didn't believe that she used to be violent, so that was promising that they've never seen any evidence of that.  She said she's made amazing progress in alot of areas.  Her areas of improvement needed are the same ones that took our kiddo the longest to work on.  

Food issues, first and foremost.  

There is hope though. I've seen so much improvement with our child and seeing her sister follow these footsteps, just slightly behind gives hope that she'll improve as well.  

She willingly let us leave with no sadness exhibited, so that worries me from attachment standpoint, but overall it went well.  

Anxiety and Sibling Visits

Kiddos anxiety and other issues have calmed down so much in the past 6 months.

She's loving school this year.

She's no longer binging in the middle of the night almost every night.

She's been so calm and normal.  (knock on wood)

She had a doctors visit the other day and she's lost 30 lbs since middle school let out, and the only change made is not getting up every single night and binging.

There have been a few instances, but not very many and I'm so proud of her.

I started to share something on kiddos facebook wall and realized it sounded like she was my birth child so I only showed her and said "for a minute I almost put this on your wall, I forgot you were adopted".  She laughed and said "I forget that sometimes too"  Ding, ding, ding, anxiety down, she's normal.

I'm a little worried about the upcoming weeks and through year end.  Her baby sis called her a few weeks ago on my cell phone on a Friday evening as we were leaving dinner.  They talked a good 15 minutes or so and all sounded well.

The problem? Baby sis called again the next two nights.

Baby sis called the next week twice.

All this contact is starting to get to kiddo so I didn't give her the phone last time.

Friday night we were at a concert and baby sis called during intermission. I didn't answer since I knew we wouldn't be able to hear well and kiddo couldn't really talk to her.  She called back twice more, so the 3rd time I thought something must be wrong and I answered.

She asked kiddo to ask if we could come pick her up and bring her here for Thanksgiving.  Kiddo said she loved that idea and to call the next day so we could talk about whether it's possible.  Her sister is in a group home nearly 3 1/2 hours away. If we picked her up and brought her here and had to take her back, that'd be 14 hours on the road in one day.

Kiddo said she'd have to spend the night.  Last time though kiddo ended up in the ER with anxiety of the idea of that, so clearly that can't happen.

I reached out and asked if somebody in the group home or one of the social workers could bring her here and we take her back.  Nobody is available.

I think we may go there for Thanksgiving and have lunch and come back. Then Saturday we'll do our own at home Thanksgiving.  I hate that she's so far away and I hate that we have to break it to her that no, she can't visit for the weekend and no, there is no way to just come for Thanksgiving day.

As much as I would love to be able to, my first priority is to our daughter.

It's such a good sign though that she called and asked that.  She usually doesn't put much importance on people, nor does she have a history of being able to ask for what she needs.  I'm so proud of her and that's why we have to play our cards right on how we handle this holiday upcoming.

Then we'll need to set the tone at that point for the expectation of holiday visit at Christmas.  We are NOT going there Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

They love each other, but she's very obviously a trigger for kiddo.  Finding that happy, healthy medium is a balancing act.

Sibling Visit

Kiddos baby sis wasn't able to come to her birthday party at the end of June so me and the therapist put our heads together to see when we could plan a playdate.

Given that baby sis's birthday is early August, we decided to make a playdate special at the half way mark and celebrate both their birthdays together.

The therapist came up with the place and we made plans.

As time got closer and closer, kiddo was showing more and more anxiety.  Finally, she comes out with it.  The place the therapist chose was where their last family used to vacation.

I reached out and we changed the location and got together.  The therapist said baby sis hadn't even acknowledged that she'd ever been there before. The therapist also talked to baby sis and she said "yes, let's move it, I want her to have as much fun as me".  So much progress. No meltdowns.

The most amazing visit ever!!

It's so obvious how much better baby sis is getting.

She called me by my name. That has never happened. I'm a grown up that has gotten to the point where I'm enough of her life to now have a name. lol

When kiddo refused to go on the slide with her, she didn't throw a temper tantrum.  I offered to go with her and she always turns us down when we offer to do things kiddo doesn't want to. She'd rather not do something she wants than do it without her big sis.  This time, she waited awhile, came to me and asked me to go on the slide with her and asked big sis to watch us.

when kiddo didn't want to do something, she wasn't aggressive and rough. She's not cruel and hurtful, but normally plays way too rough and in a dysregulated way.  She pouted in a normal way but didn't lose her mind over being turned down.

She didn't eat all her lunch.  Normally she eats all her food and half of kiddos.

She nearly cried at the end of visit.

That broke my heart, but also made me smile deep in my soul for having a normal reaction.

She has since been almost matched with somebody local to us and they backed out at the last moment.  They are having a time finding somebody willing and able to accept her issues.  I keep sharing the DSS facebook post of her. Maybe one day she can find permanency and be the treasured daughter of a family the way her sister is for us.

The girls exchanged gifts at the visit.  They had sno cones together and tons of water play.
Our visit was at a water park.  The therapist said 5 hours.  Kiddo said 1 hour, maybe 2 if it was going well, because she stresses her out so much. We got there and kiddo kept saying she wanted to stay longer.  We were there 4 1/2 hours and then it wasn't because of baby sis that we left. We were burnt and at that point the park was at max capacity, which is a trigger for kiddo.

Sibling Visit

For the first time since the fiasco playdate last May, we finally had another sibling playdate.

Kiddo was excited and on edge at the same time waiting for yesterday to get here.  We were told she was making progress and they asked if we were comfortable with an unsupervised visit or if they needed to supply a chaperone for baby sis.

We decided we could handle the visit unsupervised and had their cell phone in case things got out of hand.

She was actually a little calmer than normal.  There was only one sign of stress during the visit......when she asked for candy right before lunch.  We told her to wait until after lunch and she said okay and stuck that thumb in her mouth.  Sucking the thumb is her coping skill when she's stressed and wants to hold it together.

At least she held it together though.  I was really proud of how well both of the girls did.

Kiddo didn't get stressed during the visit at all.

The visit seemed to fly by, despite being a normal length. I actually hated leaving her.

We went tubing and out to lunch and got lots of great photos.  The girls exchanged some just because gifts and I gave baby sis a DS I got off the yard sale page, since her case worker can't find hers.  I told her I was loaning it to her and if she wanted to keep it forever to draw me a picture.

She painted kiddo a sweet picture and gave her a card, encouraging her to do good deeds and had all 4 of our initials inside of a heart.  Be still MY heart.

All in all, it went very well.

When we returned her to the RTC staff, they seemed surprised.

Looking forward to the next visit!! Hoping for continued healing for both girls.  The trauma bond wasn't even visible in this visit.

I did find it interesting that kiddo took her baby doll with us and put the car seat in the middle for her doll so she'd have a barrier between her and her sister if she felt things were off.  Seeing her, she was immediately fine and moved it over so they could sit super close to each other.

Wonky Kid

Kiddo is driving me up the wall.

Hyper, easily distracted, can't focus worth two cents, forgets how to use indoor voice, constantly moving and momma has to be there 24/7

Very difficult, especially when she's not open about what is bugging her.

Momma would be ready for the funny farm soon if she hadn't actually finally come out with what may or may not be the issue.  We'll see by whether she starts calming down.

She said she's missing her sister, worried her sister will never have a forever family, etc.

We suggested she call her and then she'd hear her and know she's okay and happy where she's at.  (if her sister had her way, she'd stay in residential until she aged out probably).  She said no, that'd make it worse.

Finally she said what would help would be seeing her, that it's been too long since they've had a playdate.  Apparently kiddo was waiting on us to line up something.

We reminded her after the last fiasco, we told her she had to tell us when she was ready, we wouldn't line up playdates until she said the word, because of how stressed she was and her comments that she wanted to have less playdates, that they were stressful.

So, yeah, just e-mailed the residential center therapist and the social worker and asked when baby sis would be ready for a playdate.

We shall see how this goes....


We reminded her again that she has to be open so we can help, that contrary to how we act, we can't always read minds.

Anxiety and Siblings

the family that wants to be baby sis's parents contacted us yesterday and said that they've been denied the opportunity to have her back.  They are devastated, as are we.  We actually think they were well suited for her. One of the few willing to put up with her crap and not give up on her.

It got me to thinking about how rough things were for baby sis while she was staying with them and wondering why she was going so crazy, when it was pretty obvious that she actually liked that family. They are the only family she's stayed in contact with while in residential.

I also realized that some of our most challenging times were while baby sis was with them too.

Hummm.....

I'm thinking it was the sibling visits.

They've been separated since May 2012.

They had a visit in fall of 2012.

In 2013, they saw each other April, June, November and December.

In 2014, they saw each other March, May, June, August, October, November and December.

In 2015, they saw each other in February, April and May.

That family entered the picture in October of 2015.

January-April was really rough for our family.  Kiddo really started turning arond in May and has been at her best since May and at her worst January-April.

I can't help but wonder if they triggered each other so bad, that's why both of them have had their worst behaviors in ages early this year.

In August, just the mention of baby sis and kiddo asked to not have to talk on the phone with her yet. I asked kiddo to tell me when she's ready for calls and/or visits. To date, she hasn't requested anything.

Kiddo has been better than she ever was since May. We've had the calmest 6 months since our family has been established.  Coincidence or because we told her she's allowed to control the frequency of visits?

Trauma Bonds are exhausting and heartbreaking.

I love both of these girls dearly and I just wish they could both be happy and well adjusted. I think ours is on her way there.