Sibling Visit

Nancy Thomas said "A bond with an unhealthy sibling can stand in the way of the parent-child bond".  That's because the siblings carry a collective memory of the past trauma.  


We initially applied for our daughter when she was still with her sister.  Their adoption disrupted and initially it was perceived that our daughter was the issue.  Later it was determined to not be the case at all.  While we waited for several months, during that time, the girls were separated.  We saw our daughter listed as a singlet, needing connection to sister, but placed separately.  We submitted interest and immediately got a call, since her case worker had already reviewed our home study when they were together.

It was heartbreaking to think those 2 cuties would have to once again lose another family, but also each other.  Keeping them together though would have worked against their healing.  They needed very different things to be able to heal properly.

We were asked if we'd be willing to maintain contact and of course we were, no child should have to choose between having parents or siblings.  What we didn't anticipate though was falling in love with her sister.

Not on the same level as how we fell for our daughter, but lil sis has stolen our heart.

Over the past few years, I think we're slowly getting in her heart too.  She greets us with a huge hug right after she hugs and kisses her sister and she's finally saying "I miss you too" or "I love you too" when we say those very important words to her.

For the first 2 1/2 years, we could say that and she'd say "Uh huh" and we'd have to ask for hugs if we would get them, although hubs could get it willingly, she was much slower to trust me.  She enjoys rough housing with him, rubbing his beard, riding piggy back, etc.

Sometimes we have frequent visits, other times it's a long time between visits.  Our childs needs come first and we're the ones that have to do the most work to make it work.

After the heartbreaking phone call she had with her sister where she wasn't getting school pics because she's in a group home, After making a call to her social worker and offering to pay for the pics for her, she got her photos. I sent a note to lil sis to let her know not to just do without, if it's something like that and she can't find the right person to do it, to let me know or tell her sister to let me know and I'd work on it on her behalf and/or do it myself.

I really want her to learn that she can ask for what she needs and many times that's all it takes to get her needs met. She has needed to work on her communication skills for awhile, so it was a perfect opportunity to let her know we have her back.  I also let her know she's important to all of us, not just to her sister.

She called not long after and asked kiddo if she'd ask us if we could come pick her up for Thanksgiving. She wanted to come here, but didn't realize how far it was.  We told her it was a long drive and we couldn't get help to get her to us, but we'd come to her.

When we got there, I praised her for her progress and also for being willing to ask for what she needs.

So, what does she do? She asks me if someday I can get her a camera, lol.  Okay, it wasn't all material. She also asked me if I could get her social worker to try to find her Ipod which didn't make it in the move.

I told her good job asking and yes, I'd definitely ask her worker to search for her stuff and at some point, we'd find her a camera, but it may take a bit.  Managing expectations, you know?

As for the visit--it went pretty well.  She redirected easily, she's very proud of her progress and she accepts no better than she used to, not seeming to take it as personal rejection of her.  We were supse happy to see that and let her know that.

I did have to threaten to get her a dictionary though.  She has a mouth on her.  She also still has the rough play going on, "beating up" on her sister with an inflatable monkey because kiddo wouldn't give her the phone (which was because she was texting with bad language)

I was so proud of my daughter for standing up to her sister. She's always let her get away with anything she wanted and she said "why would you thinking beating me up will help you get what you want, that makes it LESS likely".  Made me double proud because I've used that on her and that means she's listening, taking it in and understanding.  Hubs told her not to be so aggressive, that acting out doesn't get you what you want.  She calmed down.

She does try the cutesy stuff to try to get away with things--ie. telling her to eat another bite and we'd order dessert to take to the park and she cuts one macaroni in half.  Ummm, want a re-do baby?!

This was the first visit in awhile totally just us an no supervision. She normally tests boundaries more without a witness anyway, but if that's her stretch, that's awesome.  

Her house mother didn't believe that she used to be violent, so that was promising that they've never seen any evidence of that.  She said she's made amazing progress in alot of areas.  Her areas of improvement needed are the same ones that took our kiddo the longest to work on.  

Food issues, first and foremost.  

There is hope though. I've seen so much improvement with our child and seeing her sister follow these footsteps, just slightly behind gives hope that she'll improve as well.  

She willingly let us leave with no sadness exhibited, so that worries me from attachment standpoint, but overall it went well.  

Food and Family Progress

It came on so subtly that I almost didn't realize how much progress we've seen lately.

Back in October, hubs had a dispute with kiddos bff's mom.  The mom forbid bff from being facebook friends with hubs.  Kiddo was so upset about the absurdity of it that she immediately went on her facebook page and defriended bff's mom.  She said if BFF can't talk to daddy, I'm not talking to her momma!

Then another night, we went to a really good restaurant that we hadn't been to since kiddo moved in. Kiddo loved it and loved the mashed potatoes so much that she passed me a bite.

Completely unheard of.

Her sharing food?

Yeah, she wanted me to taste how yummy it was, instead of stressing that somebody would eat her food, like has been the norm the entire time she's been here.

Last month, BFF's mom and I got in a dispute. BFF's mom defriended ME this time.  Whatever!

Kiddo was the first to notice it and she got so angry that she defriended the BFF.  I told her that her and BFF had nothing to do with the issues and she didn't need to do that, but she was in protective mode. She wanted me to see that she had my back.   She doesn't let anybody speak ill of her momma and daddy.

She said "besides, it's not like BFF and I talk anymore, I'm tired of rejection and being used".

Another recent instance was Friday on the way to school.  On the way to school kiddo pulled out a baby bell cheese wheel that she'd gotten from the fridge to snack on on the way to school.  I noticed and we were talking about how much we love them and I said I wished I'd thought of that. She pulled the other one out (she'd brought two) and handed me one.

What?! Sharing food is one thing, but now it's also her last one!?

I'm so proud of how far she's come.

She's starting to finally feel safe.

She knows she's loved and that we want to support and help her, hence having our backs when others treat us unkindly.

She knows we'll feed her no matter what now and she's starting to not "protect her food".

She also has let me help her with homework a few times in the last month or so.

It's little things, a little at a time, but then I realize how much in such a short time and I'm overwhelmed with the love I feel for her and how proud I feel of her for being so resilient, for being willing to learn to trust and love and for trusting us to be the parents she deserves to have.

Diet and Exercise

I left work early to take kiddo to the doctor.  The doctor raked us both over the coals about kiddos weight.

She asked kiddo "Do you like being fat?"

Kiddo said "Yeah, kinda"

I'm so glad kiddo was honest.  She prefers not being in the spotlight, protects her from sexual abuse in her eyes.

Then the doc said "I think you should lock up the food at night since she does well during the day and not at night"

WTF?  Why the face? (as kiddo would say, but we know the real thing there)

I lost it, totally flipped.

I told her that absolutely under NO circumstances was going to happen. I also said that was the worst thing I could ever do to that child.

We've gone a long way towards developing our bond and trust that we will meet her needs.  Locking up food would trigger her PTSD at a MINIMUM.  Worst case scenario, our attachment and trust would go backwards. Not something I'm willing to risk.

Kiddo and I decided together that we'll work on keeping her active.

I do worry about her weight and food issues. It's obviously deep.  I'm not, however, willing to risk attachment for it.  Mental health is at LEAST as important as anything else.

So, those out there that have had kiddos with eating issues, what did you do?

Her therapist released her, but while she thinks she has an eating disorder, she doesn't seem to think it's trauma related. I totally disagree.  The middle of the night is when fear can set in and she forgets the coping skills.  She's fine in the day.

We provide tons of healthy stuff to munch on anytime she wants it.  The problem is the binging in the middle of the night.

Doctor suggested we never bring anything bad in the house.  How do you do that though? I get the no bringing chips and cookies in.  However, she has been known to get into raw dough, boxes of noodles, etc.

I'm also not willing to shame her.

First home she lacked due to lack of resources combined with selfishness of the bio mom and boyfriend.

First adoptive placement, they locked the food up. I have ZERO doubt in my mind that that had even a worse effect on her food issues than the initial problems.

Wishing I knew how to best help.  Mulling this over.