Past life......

When kiddo turned 13, her prior adoptive parents sent a gift and a letter.  We let her have gifts, but always put the letters in a file for when she's older and ready to tackle that.  She does know that we have them, however, and that she can ask when and if she ever gets ready for them.  Sometimes she just asks if there is anything in the letter that she'd want to know.

That was 2014.

The letter was addressed to "kiddo PRIOR last name".  We sent a letter that gifts and letters weren't necessary, but that if they felt the need to send them, to please NOT use their last name.

Over 3 years later before we heard from them again.  Last week we received a letter (sent thru DSS).

The letter was addressed to "Kiddo RANDOM last name".  I thought  I'd die.
Too funny.  Kiddo thought so too.

They were kind enough to send her pics of their dog (hers previously) finally.  They also sent a pic of themselves.  She took the dog pictures and asked if she could cut their picture to pieces.  I'm guessing she's not ready to deal with them.

Her grandfather when she was with them recently passed away.  I always worry about loss and grief effects on the trauma brain, even if it's not somebody she's currently close with.  One of her best friends mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that's scary to watch as well.  Every loss brings back feelings of loss and all that she's been through.

This week we heard from bio aunt.

Kiddos biological mom is in ICU, stroke and blood clot on the brain.

We let her know what was up.

She was very concerned about that happening to her one day.  We had a good talk about genetics and environment and how lives are a mix of both.  Pretty sure at least part of the concern was for the 1st mom, although she'll never admit it.

I know she means it when she says she has no desire to see her, but I also know that she cares about her.

Hopefully all this will not turn her too wonky.

Emotionally Charged Election and Adoption

I've cried myself silly over the election results.  I went to bed a little before midnight thinking it was sounding like it'd be forever.  I had nightmares til 2:30 am, when I woke up.  I laid there worried and finally got up to check the results.

I cried and cried and cried and never got back to sleep that night.

The next morning kiddo got up and asked who won and we told her.  She was stunned and said "who votes for a child molester?" My heart hurts for her that this is her future being messed with.  My heart hurts for early sexual abuse victims and the slap in the face it is.  My heart hurts for every non-white person out there and for every woman.

A friend of mine that adopted a beautiful "brown girl" (partially hispanic) posted that her daughter was full of anxiety over it, scared she'd be send to Mexico.

I posted on facebook that I was sad reading that.  Shortly thereafter, I found out two mothers of other "brown children" (AA" had similar stories to share)

You'd think people would be supportive.

WOW!! Just Wow!!

I've been torn up ever since. The bad thing was not only about election results, but about finding out people in my circle don't see a problem with this?!

I was accused of calling people racist because I said no child should have to worry about being ripped from their families because of racism and hatred.

Any sane person realizes that the only people I referred to as racist are the ones making these comments.  Anybody that thinks they're called a racist either misread because it's against their guy or has a guilty conscience.

However, when a child has somebody walk up to them and said "I hope Trump wins so you'll be sent back to Africa with the rest of the N***", yeah, I call that racism and hatred.

When a child thinks they're being deported because of the color of their skin, yeah, that's racism and hatred.

I call racists racist.

It offends me that I was heartbroken over a friends personal situation and the response wasn't of comfort, but to slam me, to slam that family, etc.

We have a personal responsibility to be a light in a dark world.

Blaming the mother or family for the child's fear is counterproductive.  It's not the family putting this fear in our kids.  Yeah, it's up to us to pick up the pieces, but anybody dealing with anxiety issues knows it's more complicated than the mom saying "it's okay" and moving on.

Add trauma, PTSD and other things to mix, it's a long journey and alot of people will need time to heal from this.

The number of sexual abuse victims that were triggered by things Trump said on TV, the memories, the PTSD, in addition to those real fears because of things said.

Why isn't it obvious that the appearance for a lot of people is that this bullying is the new norm?

People were quoting laws to support why these fears were silly, instead of looking at what was said during the campaign.  Yes, we have laws that protect adopted children.  However, Trump did say he disagreed with the anchor baby law, the perception of the 14th amendment and the entire immigrant situation.

If he wants to overturn the 14th amendment, naturally many of our adopted children are going to be fearful.  Most of the kids that have been adopted have limited, if any, knowledge of their history.  Anytime a question was asked during his speeches, he evaded the answers. How would anybody know if there were exceptions if he doesn't clarify. Of course our children are scared. I'm scared too. I do believe that there is no way that part would get overturned and these beautiful babies are going NOWHERE, but I'm scared of the hatred and fear that this has generated.  I'm scared of my childs future. I'm scared of the message this is sending to the world.

I wonder if the result of the election would be different if everybody had kept an open mind and actually LISTENED to the journey instead of deciding who to vote for based on party.

Why do I think many didn't listen?

Well, partially because of the result and I like to think that most people are better than the hatred and racism we're seeing.

However, another reason is the number of people that claimed they voted for Trump because they're a Christian.

Most because of the abortion issue ONLY.  The thing is Trump has always been pro-choice until he decided to run. I guess it's possible he changed his mind before running, but I think it's very unlikely. I think he put that as part of his platform to win only.

What the heck? You voted Trump because you're a Christian?

Does not compute. (and don't even get me started on how offensive I find it that several have said if you're a Christian, you would have voted for Trump, don't even pretend you know what others hearts are like)

As a friends son said.....

And Jesus said "build a wall and keep everybody that's not like you out, bomb the s*** out of them, Make fun of the disabled, disrespect women and lastly be sure to deprive people of their human rights."
-Two Corinthians

His boyfriend responded with:

Absolutely, then he ran his fingers through his blonde hair and blinked his bright blue eyes.

Anxiety and Sibling Visits

Kiddos anxiety and other issues have calmed down so much in the past 6 months.

She's loving school this year.

She's no longer binging in the middle of the night almost every night.

She's been so calm and normal.  (knock on wood)

She had a doctors visit the other day and she's lost 30 lbs since middle school let out, and the only change made is not getting up every single night and binging.

There have been a few instances, but not very many and I'm so proud of her.

I started to share something on kiddos facebook wall and realized it sounded like she was my birth child so I only showed her and said "for a minute I almost put this on your wall, I forgot you were adopted".  She laughed and said "I forget that sometimes too"  Ding, ding, ding, anxiety down, she's normal.

I'm a little worried about the upcoming weeks and through year end.  Her baby sis called her a few weeks ago on my cell phone on a Friday evening as we were leaving dinner.  They talked a good 15 minutes or so and all sounded well.

The problem? Baby sis called again the next two nights.

Baby sis called the next week twice.

All this contact is starting to get to kiddo so I didn't give her the phone last time.

Friday night we were at a concert and baby sis called during intermission. I didn't answer since I knew we wouldn't be able to hear well and kiddo couldn't really talk to her.  She called back twice more, so the 3rd time I thought something must be wrong and I answered.

She asked kiddo to ask if we could come pick her up and bring her here for Thanksgiving.  Kiddo said she loved that idea and to call the next day so we could talk about whether it's possible.  Her sister is in a group home nearly 3 1/2 hours away. If we picked her up and brought her here and had to take her back, that'd be 14 hours on the road in one day.

Kiddo said she'd have to spend the night.  Last time though kiddo ended up in the ER with anxiety of the idea of that, so clearly that can't happen.

I reached out and asked if somebody in the group home or one of the social workers could bring her here and we take her back.  Nobody is available.

I think we may go there for Thanksgiving and have lunch and come back. Then Saturday we'll do our own at home Thanksgiving.  I hate that she's so far away and I hate that we have to break it to her that no, she can't visit for the weekend and no, there is no way to just come for Thanksgiving day.

As much as I would love to be able to, my first priority is to our daughter.

It's such a good sign though that she called and asked that.  She usually doesn't put much importance on people, nor does she have a history of being able to ask for what she needs.  I'm so proud of her and that's why we have to play our cards right on how we handle this holiday upcoming.

Then we'll need to set the tone at that point for the expectation of holiday visit at Christmas.  We are NOT going there Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.

They love each other, but she's very obviously a trigger for kiddo.  Finding that happy, healthy medium is a balancing act.

Progress Report

Our child moved in when she was 11. She was in 5th grade.  Her behaviors to us didn't seem excessive most of the time, but 

5th grade.....teachers calling saying she was threatening to bite them, that she was shutting down and ignoring them in class, that she called classmate molerat.

9th grade....teacher says to me "Your daughter is awesome, I wish all her classmates were as well behaved and as attentive as she is"

5th grade....take kiddo out to sports complex and she has complete meltdown over crowd and strangers and is hanging on to the fence screaming for us to just send her back.  

9th grade....take kiddo out to the food truck rodeo, really crazy crowded, way worse than the sports complex. I was starting to get stressed. We look over at kiddo and can tell she's a little anxious but overall doing okay. We ask how she feels and she says stressed, but it's okay, that she'll tough it out because she knows we'd been looking forward to going.  

Ridiculously proud of her for that, but we left and didn't eat there.  Where's the enjoyment of lunch out if the whole family can't enjoy it.  We enjoyed Cracker Barrel instead, lol

5th grade....tell kiddo to do homework, she claims it's already done and it isn't.

9th grade....tell kiddo to do homework, she either says it's done and it is or she gets right on it.

5th grade....try to help kiddo with homework, she meltdowns and screams for us to send her back, she hates us

9th grade...try to help kiddo with homework and have a reasonably good time together, considering what the chore is

6th grade....stranger contacts kiddo online and she responds and doesn't tell us, continuing to talk to him

8th grade.....contacted online and she immediately brings it to us for us to report to police

5th grade.....smart girl, but doesn't apply herself, mostly due to anxiety, ptsd, etc and barely passes.  I'm concerned about her having foundation to even pass 6th grade and grades going forward. Wouldn't barely passing just make the next year that much harder.

9th grade.....all but one class is an A. Don't even get me started on the other class, it was not even her fault.  Technological error.  

5th grade....give consequence for action, has total meltdown, takes 6 years to actually do it because you have to get past meltdown first

9th grade...give consequence, get the eye roll a lighthearted ugh and does it and back to her normal self

I hope I'm not jinxing us by sharing this.  Honestly, I think that's why I have not been so diligent with giving updates lately.

She's an amazing daughter and I'm so lucky to be her momma! 

The Foster World

It's so annoying to find somebody in the foster world that just doesn't get it and doesn't put the kids first.  It's really annoying when they say something out of line and they have no idea you adopted out of foster care. It's even worse when it's a customer and you have to choose between keeping your job and letting them have it.

I said a few things without crossing any lines, but there was so much more I wanted to say.

A customer of mine said he'd went to training and was considering opening a residential facility local. In the next breath, he talked about being late because he didn't have a full foster payment because he'd just disrupted on the boy he'd had for awhile.

He said the paperwork was unreal and I'd be shocked to know how much was involved in foster care. I told him then I adopted from foster care, so yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

It went from bad to worse.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still fuming.

He said he was considering adopting this boy that's been with him, but he was acting out so bad since TPR happened and he just couldn't do it. The boy was having sex, begging him to drive him to see girlfriend, not turning loose of his phone and he just couldn't do it.

I said "Poor guy, he's probably been feeling some pretty big anxiety about all that".

He said I didn't get it and obviously I got a "good child", not the problem kids he always has gotten.  He said he was really tired of social workers not telling the whole picture.  I get that part, but his thing was "This boy had 14 placements in 3 years and the worker didn't tell me until I put in my notice".

I told him I get the frustration about not having the full picture and agreed he should know that so he could prepare. He said nobody would ever take a child with that many placements if they knew.  I said I thought some would and that just because some familes aren't the right match doesn't mean there isn't a good family out there that is a good match.

He said some kids just don't have a match and shouldn't have a family.

I was fuming.

At that point I ended the conversation and sent him on his merry way because I was either getting fired or arrested if it went any further.

If somebody is in it for the money and not the kids, then they need to get lost.

If they're burnt out, it's time to not take another child on, much less consider opening a residential center.

and yes.....he said he chose the agency he did because they paid the most.  I'm not buying that, but still.

He said he was considering residential because of the money. :(

This is why foster parents get a bad rap.  I hate this.

Meanwhile, all I could think about was kiddos baby sis and her number of placements and hoping she doesn't end up with somebody like him, hoping she ends up with a good family and not age out of care.

I think of my child, her residential stay, her disrupted adoption (or is that dissolved? I always get confused). It was after adoption was final.  Yet, she still worked at it, was willing to try to trust us, was willing to try to be a family girl and he she is in the family she's meant to be with, being cherished, loved and treasured forever.

In some ways, kiddos baby sis situation is made worse by being so daggone cute.  She gets so many inquiries because of that and then either gets shut down, they get turned down for not being a good match, they back out because of her history or she gets disrupted after in a home.

It's time to stop the cycle. Can you be the change the world needs to see? If you can be stubborn and out stubborn some cute kids that need a healthy home, and can provide healing and patient, connected parenting, please consider fostering, adopting or both.

Holiday Triggers

Off and on we've experienced kiddo struggling during various holidays.

She's done so well over time that it's not always the same one or the same reaction, but there is generally obvious anxiety, even if it doesn't result in meltdowns.

Sometimes it does result in meltdowns, but whether those occur or not, I try to be sensitive to those holiday triggers that are all too common for trauma kids.

Acting out isn't a behavior problem though, it's a way to communicate the fear and turmoil they're feeling. It's difficult to articulate and many times, the child doesn't even realize the holiday is what triggered the problem.

Fathers Day and Mothers Day have been 2 of the harder holidays for kiddo.

It's logical though.

Imagine being a little kid and while you're still little, your father leaves.

Fast forward a year or two and the abuse starts.....your mother isn't able to keep you safe.  Eventually Social Services steps in and removes you from the only mother and father you've ever known.

Hard enough even if you stop there.

Now picture you moving to a different home. You're told you're safe there.  Abuse starts a year or two later.

Now you've lost the next set of parents you had.

Of course by the time you end up with your forever family, you're just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Not only do you worry about if they'll always be who they say they will and if you'll always be safe, but you're expected to be all nice and stuff for fathers day and mothers day and give them gifts and love.

No! Why would somebody with that background trust it.  Why wouldn't they think with pain to the past and mothers and fathers day trigger those memories of the past, the mothers and fathers that weren't able to be there for them.

One year for Fathers Day, we made the mistake of going to the beach for the weekend.  Oddly, it wasn't intentional to schedule it for Fathers Day, but just landed that way.

It was horrible.  Total trigger city.

Vacations were difficult early on. Kiddo thought she didn't deserve good things happening to her and vacations were a stressor, worrying if she was behaving well enough to deserve all that fun. Add to that, the knowledge of Fathers Day.....already there is distrust of men in general, now you are suppose to pretend that everything is normal, that you haven't lost so much before this point, that you don't remember the good moments with the past families....you pretend you don't remember the bad moments with the past families....both hurt in their own way.

The next Mothers Day, I had to constantly remind myself not to be upset with her.  She didn't wish me a Happy Mothers Day. She didn't make me a card or anything. It was just another day. I wanted that normal day that a mom usually has, but demanding would be useless and meaningless.  Waiting and not having an expectation would help and be healing for her.

Now, time is creeping up and she's mentioned being away of Mothers Day around the corner.

With the healing that's gone on over the past year or two, it'll be interesting to see how she handles that trigger.

I'm not mentioning the day though.  I am preparing myself and telling myself not to have expectations, even though she "says" she's making something for me.

The first Mothers Day here, the adoption wasn't final. We were sorta in our honeymoon stage, meltdowns, but not fully attached yet at that point. Regardless, I'll treasure that card she made that said I'm the best mom ever.

While she said what she thought she should at that point, I'm accepting the challenge for that to be what I am to her.

We're now attached, but she still has insecurities.  It may be a long time before we have a complete year of holidays and no triggers, but that's okay.

I will understand and accept my childs feelings.

I will also realize there is no right or wrong way to celebrate a holiday.  ie. Christmas....we use to love to feed the hungry on Christmas. Kiddo is triggered by crowds and noise, we changed that tradition. We used to visit family on Christmas. We stay home now. It's just for us.  We have zero expectations of a "perfect" day.

Guess what? When we decided it was okay not to be perfect, that's exactly what the day is!! Maybe not perfect in other peoples eyes, but perfect for us.

More on Learning Issues

Our meeting with the school was today.

They said kiddo definitely doesn't have a learning issue in the sense of capacity. On the contrary, they feel like she's above average in intelligence and very smart. They do think, however, that she's lazy. They are pretty certain she's had an easy time with learning because she's smart and never had to develop good habits and now it's catching up and affecting grades.

I still say alot is the PTSD and some is the ADHD and Anxiety.  They definitely hit the nail on the head on the other part.  This can't be treated as pure laziness though, because that's only a piece of the puzzle.

Her PTSD is horrible and if triggered, she literally will not be present and not hear assignments, nor do any schoolwork.

One of the teachers that was present at the meeting has had her in 2 classes, 2 different years.  She added her perspective from growth.

She said the progress she appears to have made emotionally is amazing, however, she did get what we said about PTSD. She said that made last year make alot more sense. She contributed alot to the meeting and suggested to the other teachers that they make sure she's not the center of attention. The bulk of the first 11 years of her life, center of attention meant she was being abused, so having all eyes on her makes her uncomfortable and triggers her.  She also said it was obvious we'd worked hard with her and made huge progress and we were to be commended for how we've dealt with her, that it's obvious to her that she's attached to us and knows we're in it forever and no longer fearful.

I was so glad that one of the teachers saw the PTSD and got the others buy in to help in that area.

Granted, it's late in the year and we'll have to start all over again next year since she'll be in a different school, but I was impressed with their willingness to take on some responsibility despite her not having an IEP or 504.

They also referred her for an assessment for help from community services to help in the classroom with organization and staying focused. Hubs is all for it. I'm against it.  I think it'll trigger her from the attention. The guidance counselors assured us that students don't even notice the people in there and that the students that have this help aren't singled out in class, but checked in with to see if they have their ducks in a row.  We have a meeting for that Wednesday, so that leaves 2 days to talk hubs out of this.

Problem is guidance counselor asked kiddo if she thought that would help. She said yes.  I know her well enough to know from the look in her eyes that she said yes because he wanted to hear that and he's an authority figure.

I had a good talk with kiddo tonight and told her pretty much the same things outlined here and I think she really appreciated being stood up for and being told she's smarter than average.  Tonight she actually worked on practice exercises in Math WITH me.

She usually pushes us away with homework, but she embraced my being there.

Learning Issues

Kiddo has struggled off and on in school ever since she got here.

Her trauma brain has her ADHD, PTSD and Anxiety all interfering with being as successful as she can be.  I know she has the ability to learn and is smart, but she shuts down at times that affect her grades.

This year has been worse and I just realized core classes were in afternoon this year and electives in the morning. The last couple years, the electives were in the afternoon. It's possible the ADHD meds are starting to wear off at that point?

We can be doing something totally unrelated to school and her come out with the origin and what she learned in school relating to it, so I know she has the capacity for learning, but needs help with coping and not letting anxiety rule.

We have our 2nd meeting with the school tomorrow and another lined up for Wednesday.

We also need to make an appointment with a doctor.  From all I've read it seems dysplaxia could be a probable cause in addition to the trauma.

Known school triggers

• ·         Homework  (from being demeaned in her past)
• ·         Loud/Stern teachers (perceives as anger, which causes her to shut down)
• ·         Being singled out frequently (even if it’s not bad, doesn’t like classroom attention on her, will self-sabatoge after frequent positive highlights) Life as a foster child meant don't draw attention to yourself. It doesn't result in good things.  Sexual abuse means "rewards" for being "good" and triggering that part of her.

 Kiddo brought home a math paper and asked me why her answer was wrong. Upon reviewing it, it definitely wasn't wrong. It turned out she had written the question down wrong, transposing the numbers.

She has a hard time transitioning from one thing to the next.  After reviewing grades more, the grades she's struggling with are the assignments at the beginning of class.

She gets overwhelmed with alot of material at once. When she can focus on a few questions at a time, she doesn't stress. When it's alot of questions (test time, SOL's), she shuts down.  

Organization--poor child has a chaotic brain.  She forgets to turn in assignments she's done and teacher has refused assignments with pages out of order.

With our investigation into symptoms, it seems likely she has Dyspraxia.

Many kids with dyspraxia also have speech issues (she was formerly on IEP for speech and improved)

Warning signs at her age:

• lTries to avoid sports or gym class (she used to make up injuries and asks for notes to get her out of pe
•   Takes a long time to write, due to difficulty gripping pencil and forming letters (very slow with writing, has odd grip and letters are made oddly)
• Has trouble moving objects from one place to another, such as pieces on a game board (not so much her on this)
• Struggles with games and activities that require hand-eye coordination (has improved dramatically)
• Has trouble following instructions and remembering them (I see this at home, we cannot give her 2 things to do, one WILL be neglected)

 Dyscalculia:  basic math skills and has to think things thru even on low level math prior to doing things….ie. math puzzles at Pizza Hut, frequently uses hands to count even now)

·         Dysgraphia:  very messy handwriting, writes letters in odd manner, holds pencil in odd manner and has history in file of not being able to hold pencil properly even with instruction)

·         ADHD: on highest dosage ADHD meds and was diagnosed approximately 8 years ago

Kids with dyspraxia many times have speech issues, including pitch and volume. She previously had issues with pronouncing words, but definitely still has the pitch/volume issues. She can go from mumbling to yelling, even when happy.

They also become overwhelmed in groups and struggle with sports, which creates issues making friends because of anxiety.  Definitely her. She quit both soccer and softball after not being able to get in the group because she wasn't great at sports.

Difficulty with writing technique. The girl is an amazing writer.  I wish she'd create a blog. Her writing always either entertains me or makes me cry, depending on the theme. However technique, is another story. Her letters aren't formed property and she's unable to hold pencil properly.

Other clues include: temper tantrums, easily distressed, eating with fingers, immature drawings, pencil grip, use of scissors, preferring adult company (ie doesn't invite secondary friends over, if bff can't come over, prefers momma to secondary friends or alone time), sensitive to noise, dislikes being touched, slower response time, limited concentration.

So, while it could be trauma based only, there are enough similiarities to where we want her tested. If it's something that can be done to help her succeed, we need to get the ball rolling before high school.  She'll be in the tech program next year and our hope is it will make it easier because of combined classes, but it also has more independent study, which she needs work on.

There is enough going on that it's not 100% clear what the problem is. Our goal is to get to the bottom and get this fixed. She wants to be a nurse when she's older and she will definitely need to boost up the grades to do that without so much struggle. 

·         

Momma/Daughter Time

Back in late 2015, I went to see a specialist about my back pain. I have had degenerative disc disease since about the year kiddo was born (her and I joke that childbirth did it when I had her) and my primary care doc suggested a specialist to see if injections made sense or if he had ideas she hadn't come up with.

When I got there, he was amazing with his quality and thoroughness. He viewed my MRI and said yes, he saw the DDD my primary care doc saw, but that my muscles looked like that's where my pain was and suggested that while the DDD may hurt, it seemed I had muscle fatigue going on and asked me a ton of questions.

Totally made sense and yes, constant fatigue is an issue and it does feel like it's in my muscles more than the bones.

He suggested getting checked for sleep apnea.

In March I had my 2nd sleep study. The first was at home. The 2nd was at the hospital. I had to stay at the hospital all night.

Anxiety ridden at best is the way I'd describe kiddo anytime I have to go out of town on business and stay overnight, so I was certain staying overnight and it being in a hospital would only add to the anxiety. Fear of abandonment gets in that pretty little head.

I explained what was going on and that I was in zero danger of dying and nothing seriously wrong, that we're trying to get me more energy so I can be the best mom possible and less back pain so we can do more things together.  I then suggested since we'd miss a few hours in the evening of time together, that I take some time off work the next day and pick her up after school and us go get our nails done.

Good quality bonding time and being proactive about the anxiety.

I told her it gives me anxiety to be away from her, so I needed it as much as her.

Wonky Kid

Kiddo is driving me up the wall.

Hyper, easily distracted, can't focus worth two cents, forgets how to use indoor voice, constantly moving and momma has to be there 24/7

Very difficult, especially when she's not open about what is bugging her.

Momma would be ready for the funny farm soon if she hadn't actually finally come out with what may or may not be the issue.  We'll see by whether she starts calming down.

She said she's missing her sister, worried her sister will never have a forever family, etc.

We suggested she call her and then she'd hear her and know she's okay and happy where she's at.  (if her sister had her way, she'd stay in residential until she aged out probably).  She said no, that'd make it worse.

Finally she said what would help would be seeing her, that it's been too long since they've had a playdate.  Apparently kiddo was waiting on us to line up something.

We reminded her after the last fiasco, we told her she had to tell us when she was ready, we wouldn't line up playdates until she said the word, because of how stressed she was and her comments that she wanted to have less playdates, that they were stressful.

So, yeah, just e-mailed the residential center therapist and the social worker and asked when baby sis would be ready for a playdate.

We shall see how this goes....


We reminded her again that she has to be open so we can help, that contrary to how we act, we can't always read minds.

Anxiety and Siblings

the family that wants to be baby sis's parents contacted us yesterday and said that they've been denied the opportunity to have her back.  They are devastated, as are we.  We actually think they were well suited for her. One of the few willing to put up with her crap and not give up on her.

It got me to thinking about how rough things were for baby sis while she was staying with them and wondering why she was going so crazy, when it was pretty obvious that she actually liked that family. They are the only family she's stayed in contact with while in residential.

I also realized that some of our most challenging times were while baby sis was with them too.

Hummm.....

I'm thinking it was the sibling visits.

They've been separated since May 2012.

They had a visit in fall of 2012.

In 2013, they saw each other April, June, November and December.

In 2014, they saw each other March, May, June, August, October, November and December.

In 2015, they saw each other in February, April and May.

That family entered the picture in October of 2015.

January-April was really rough for our family.  Kiddo really started turning arond in May and has been at her best since May and at her worst January-April.

I can't help but wonder if they triggered each other so bad, that's why both of them have had their worst behaviors in ages early this year.

In August, just the mention of baby sis and kiddo asked to not have to talk on the phone with her yet. I asked kiddo to tell me when she's ready for calls and/or visits. To date, she hasn't requested anything.

Kiddo has been better than she ever was since May. We've had the calmest 6 months since our family has been established.  Coincidence or because we told her she's allowed to control the frequency of visits?

Trauma Bonds are exhausting and heartbreaking.

I love both of these girls dearly and I just wish they could both be happy and well adjusted. I think ours is on her way there.