One More Loss

Adoption comes out of loss. 

We only have our daughter because she was removed from her first parents.  Despite that things weren't perfect, they were her parents, she loved them and in their own unhealthy ways, they loved her. How could they not?

As she went into foster care, there was so much emotion for her to deal with, so much loss and grief to deal with.  She'd one day move to another home, be adopted, and get disrupted again, losing yet another set of parents.

4 1/2 years after being removed from her birth home, she'd move in with us and it would take many years before she'd start feeling safe and know that we were in it forever and that forever wasn't just a word people said.

12 days short of 6 years from the day she moved in, our little girl, who's 17 and so grown, would wake me up to tell me she couldn't sleep.  Restless, she finally headed back to bed to attempt to get back to sleep.  A night full of restlessness, I was checking my phone and saw I had a message.

Her birthmom messaged and said "message me back ASAP. It's important".  I felt that sinking feeling knowing something had happened.

Kiddos birthdad had just passed away about 30 minutes prior to that.  Coincidentally, about the time kiddo had entered my room to tell me she couldn't sleep.

It had been 8 years since she had seen him and I knew that despite the time, despite the love for us, that this would not be an easy conversation.

Putting it off as long as possible that next morning during our Saturday morning ritual of cuddling with the pups, I finally told her.

She was devastated.

She laid on me and let me just rub her hair and tell her I love her.

As her tears flowed, all I could think about was "why? why does my baby have to go thru so many heartbreaks in her lifetime?"

She will go thru the loss of parents so many times in her life.

She lost both birth parents once when she was removed.
She lost her first set of adoptive parents when the adoption was dissolved.
She lost her birth father through death.
One day she'll lose her birth mom through death.
One day she'll lost us through death.

Why? Why does my baby have to be subjected to so much pain in her short life thru far?  Why does she have so much pain ahead of her?

Not only does she have so much loss and grief, but somehow because she's adopted, the past isn't suppose to matter, she doesn't have the same support others have when they lose somebody.  People don't get her pain the way she deserves to have people understand her.

I'm so glad she knows it's safe to talk to us, but I do wish more understood that a kind word, a gentle encouragement, something is better than ignoring her pain. 

Past life......

When kiddo turned 13, her prior adoptive parents sent a gift and a letter.  We let her have gifts, but always put the letters in a file for when she's older and ready to tackle that.  She does know that we have them, however, and that she can ask when and if she ever gets ready for them.  Sometimes she just asks if there is anything in the letter that she'd want to know.

That was 2014.

The letter was addressed to "kiddo PRIOR last name".  We sent a letter that gifts and letters weren't necessary, but that if they felt the need to send them, to please NOT use their last name.

Over 3 years later before we heard from them again.  Last week we received a letter (sent thru DSS).

The letter was addressed to "Kiddo RANDOM last name".  I thought  I'd die.
Too funny.  Kiddo thought so too.

They were kind enough to send her pics of their dog (hers previously) finally.  They also sent a pic of themselves.  She took the dog pictures and asked if she could cut their picture to pieces.  I'm guessing she's not ready to deal with them.

Her grandfather when she was with them recently passed away.  I always worry about loss and grief effects on the trauma brain, even if it's not somebody she's currently close with.  One of her best friends mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that's scary to watch as well.  Every loss brings back feelings of loss and all that she's been through.

This week we heard from bio aunt.

Kiddos biological mom is in ICU, stroke and blood clot on the brain.

We let her know what was up.

She was very concerned about that happening to her one day.  We had a good talk about genetics and environment and how lives are a mix of both.  Pretty sure at least part of the concern was for the 1st mom, although she'll never admit it.

I know she means it when she says she has no desire to see her, but I also know that she cares about her.

Hopefully all this will not turn her too wonky.