She said YES to the dress!!!

 

She said YES to the dress!

We looked at the dress in early February. Nothing even close to what she said she invisioned, so I suggested that she sleep on it and make sure that's truly what she wanted.

The dress was $1989. EEEK!!! Dresses sure went up in price since I got married.  She looked concerned over price and I told her if it was what she TRULY wanted, then  I would make it happen, not to think twice about it from price.  The lady in the shop came over and said the dress was currently on sale 30% off.  That meant it was "only" $1392.  We told her because it was so different from what she was originally looking for, that we were going to sleep on it and come back that following Monday if she decided it was the one.  

That Monday, it snowed and iced like crazy.

That following weekend, something else happened.

It was over a month later before we had even a little opportunity to go back. I was convinced sale would be ove and had my speech prepared to negotiate still getting it for $1392.

It was March 8th and I took the day off of work to spend time with my daughter and we had plans to check it out and if I couldn't arrange price, then we would leave and look at another shops dresses to see if same one there before we decided to bite the bullet. 

March 8th is my daughters birth dads birthday and I wanted to make sure to take care of her that day, love on her and make sure it was a good day of remembrance and special times instead of her staying in feelings missing him.  After all, she hadn't seen him since she was 7.  He passed away when she was 17 and she hated not being able to see him one last time.

We went in the shop, that dress was STILL THERE!!! It was meant to be.  We were so excited that the dress was still there (a genuine concern) that I forgot to ask to negotiate price.  

I'm convinced that baby's birth dad helped though.  The lady came up to us and said today only it's 50% off.  $994.50.  YES!!!!

She said YES TO THE DRESS!!!

And she loved that she said yes to the dress on her birth dads birthday.  She was so excited.  I told her that I was sure he helped her so that could be a way he was "walking her down the aisle" even though he wouldn't be physically present and when she gets weepy that day because he's not there to do that, I wanted her to remember he was there in the dress and was definitely with her.

One More Loss

Adoption comes out of loss. 

We only have our daughter because she was removed from her first parents.  Despite that things weren't perfect, they were her parents, she loved them and in their own unhealthy ways, they loved her. How could they not?

As she went into foster care, there was so much emotion for her to deal with, so much loss and grief to deal with.  She'd one day move to another home, be adopted, and get disrupted again, losing yet another set of parents.

4 1/2 years after being removed from her birth home, she'd move in with us and it would take many years before she'd start feeling safe and know that we were in it forever and that forever wasn't just a word people said.

12 days short of 6 years from the day she moved in, our little girl, who's 17 and so grown, would wake me up to tell me she couldn't sleep.  Restless, she finally headed back to bed to attempt to get back to sleep.  A night full of restlessness, I was checking my phone and saw I had a message.

Her birthmom messaged and said "message me back ASAP. It's important".  I felt that sinking feeling knowing something had happened.

Kiddos birthdad had just passed away about 30 minutes prior to that.  Coincidentally, about the time kiddo had entered my room to tell me she couldn't sleep.

It had been 8 years since she had seen him and I knew that despite the time, despite the love for us, that this would not be an easy conversation.

Putting it off as long as possible that next morning during our Saturday morning ritual of cuddling with the pups, I finally told her.

She was devastated.

She laid on me and let me just rub her hair and tell her I love her.

As her tears flowed, all I could think about was "why? why does my baby have to go thru so many heartbreaks in her lifetime?"

She will go thru the loss of parents so many times in her life.

She lost both birth parents once when she was removed.
She lost her first set of adoptive parents when the adoption was dissolved.
She lost her birth father through death.
One day she'll lose her birth mom through death.
One day she'll lost us through death.

Why? Why does my baby have to be subjected to so much pain in her short life thru far?  Why does she have so much pain ahead of her?

Not only does she have so much loss and grief, but somehow because she's adopted, the past isn't suppose to matter, she doesn't have the same support others have when they lose somebody.  People don't get her pain the way she deserves to have people understand her.

I'm so glad she knows it's safe to talk to us, but I do wish more understood that a kind word, a gentle encouragement, something is better than ignoring her pain. 

November: National Adoption Month. 

Please don't ignore posts about Adoption and waiting kids. Sharing may result in a child finding their forever home. The kids deserve a place to call home.

When I think about the time we spent waiting, I'm overwhelmed by emotion that as hard as the wait was, it's nothing compared to the wait from a childs view. We know several cuties still waiting on their homes, far longer than we waited to provide a home. No child deserves to not have a forever home.

One of those cuties is my childs baby sister.  She's 13 now, she was removed from bio home 2 months before her 4th birthday.  They were adopted once, but it disrupted. That child has had nearly 10 years of bouncing around in the system, waiting for that family that will treasure her the way she deserves to be treasured.

Imagine being a child, not knowing where you belong, not knowing if you'll ever experience what every kid in the world should experience--to be cherished; to have somebody that will never give up on them no matter what; to have somebody that understands connection is what it's all about; to have at least one adult that is irrationally crazy about them and will help them become the best they are meant to be.

National Adoption Month is a month of celebration, of hope, of passion. It's also a month of resolution, awareness and advocacy. While much has been done and many waiting kids are home, there is MUCH more to do and far more kids waiting to be home. What is your part in the solution?

I celebrate our baby's adoption finalization in the same month as national adoption month, there is so much to appreciate. I love that child deeply.

But in the midst of celebration, I also am wistful and sad at how many kids haven't seen their happy endings yet.  So much loss and pain around these "celebrations".  

Past life......

When kiddo turned 13, her prior adoptive parents sent a gift and a letter.  We let her have gifts, but always put the letters in a file for when she's older and ready to tackle that.  She does know that we have them, however, and that she can ask when and if she ever gets ready for them.  Sometimes she just asks if there is anything in the letter that she'd want to know.

That was 2014.

The letter was addressed to "kiddo PRIOR last name".  We sent a letter that gifts and letters weren't necessary, but that if they felt the need to send them, to please NOT use their last name.

Over 3 years later before we heard from them again.  Last week we received a letter (sent thru DSS).

The letter was addressed to "Kiddo RANDOM last name".  I thought  I'd die.
Too funny.  Kiddo thought so too.

They were kind enough to send her pics of their dog (hers previously) finally.  They also sent a pic of themselves.  She took the dog pictures and asked if she could cut their picture to pieces.  I'm guessing she's not ready to deal with them.

Her grandfather when she was with them recently passed away.  I always worry about loss and grief effects on the trauma brain, even if it's not somebody she's currently close with.  One of her best friends mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that's scary to watch as well.  Every loss brings back feelings of loss and all that she's been through.

This week we heard from bio aunt.

Kiddos biological mom is in ICU, stroke and blood clot on the brain.

We let her know what was up.

She was very concerned about that happening to her one day.  We had a good talk about genetics and environment and how lives are a mix of both.  Pretty sure at least part of the concern was for the 1st mom, although she'll never admit it.

I know she means it when she says she has no desire to see her, but I also know that she cares about her.

Hopefully all this will not turn her too wonky.

Loss and Grief

I left my previous job in April, after nearly 26 years.

It’s been so exciting to start a career with a new company, whose beliefs line up with mine and really believe it’s all about the people.

This was really a big deal.  I used to be the poster child for loyalty for my old company. I used to joke that I’d get a tattoo with the company logo on it……so glad I didn’t now.

When I left, I took 2 great employees with me.  One of them struggled a little with leaving and felt sad, while still excited.

It wasn’t until this past weekend that I had any feelings of sadness.

As I mentioned before, we recently renovated our dining room and living room, just finishing the floors last week.  As I brought things back into the house and placing them in their appropriate spots, all the awards I had won from my previous job were in a box and I was placing them with care.

Symbolically, I was going to get them all to fit in the bottom few shelves and leave the top shelf for awards from my new company.

As I thought about that, the tears finally came. It’s been over 5 months since I’ve left and I finally started crying and grieving for this significant change in my life.

I don’t regret the move a bit. I’m much happier where I’m at. 

I was grieving for what could have been though. Things used to be so much better with the last company than they are for employees now. It makes me sad how the human element is missing altogether now, and of course, their results are nowhere near as good as they were when they took care of their employees.

I can imagine this is similar to what our kids that are adopted from foster care feel.

It’s okay to be happy with your new family, being loved, being spoiled and still grieve and feel sad, despite the abuse in the past.  The first families should have taken care of these babies. There should be no need for foster care. I grieve for the childhood my child never had.  I know she grieves even more.

Of course, most of the kids adopted from foster care have behavior issues, they’re grieving.  It’s still a loss even if it’s a life you want to continue to experience.  These kids loved their biological parents and the bio’s in many cases loved these kids too, they just didn’t know how to love the correct way.

So as I grieve over the life with the company that had bosses that mistreated me, I understand so much better how my child can still grieve for those that didn’t protect her as a child.