The Foster World

It's so annoying to find somebody in the foster world that just doesn't get it and doesn't put the kids first.  It's really annoying when they say something out of line and they have no idea you adopted out of foster care. It's even worse when it's a customer and you have to choose between keeping your job and letting them have it.

I said a few things without crossing any lines, but there was so much more I wanted to say.

A customer of mine said he'd went to training and was considering opening a residential facility local. In the next breath, he talked about being late because he didn't have a full foster payment because he'd just disrupted on the boy he'd had for awhile.

He said the paperwork was unreal and I'd be shocked to know how much was involved in foster care. I told him then I adopted from foster care, so yeah, I had a pretty good idea.

It went from bad to worse.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still fuming.

He said he was considering adopting this boy that's been with him, but he was acting out so bad since TPR happened and he just couldn't do it. The boy was having sex, begging him to drive him to see girlfriend, not turning loose of his phone and he just couldn't do it.

I said "Poor guy, he's probably been feeling some pretty big anxiety about all that".

He said I didn't get it and obviously I got a "good child", not the problem kids he always has gotten.  He said he was really tired of social workers not telling the whole picture.  I get that part, but his thing was "This boy had 14 placements in 3 years and the worker didn't tell me until I put in my notice".

I told him I get the frustration about not having the full picture and agreed he should know that so he could prepare. He said nobody would ever take a child with that many placements if they knew.  I said I thought some would and that just because some familes aren't the right match doesn't mean there isn't a good family out there that is a good match.

He said some kids just don't have a match and shouldn't have a family.

I was fuming.

At that point I ended the conversation and sent him on his merry way because I was either getting fired or arrested if it went any further.

If somebody is in it for the money and not the kids, then they need to get lost.

If they're burnt out, it's time to not take another child on, much less consider opening a residential center.

and yes.....he said he chose the agency he did because they paid the most.  I'm not buying that, but still.

He said he was considering residential because of the money. :(

This is why foster parents get a bad rap.  I hate this.

Meanwhile, all I could think about was kiddos baby sis and her number of placements and hoping she doesn't end up with somebody like him, hoping she ends up with a good family and not age out of care.

I think of my child, her residential stay, her disrupted adoption (or is that dissolved? I always get confused). It was after adoption was final.  Yet, she still worked at it, was willing to try to trust us, was willing to try to be a family girl and he she is in the family she's meant to be with, being cherished, loved and treasured forever.

In some ways, kiddos baby sis situation is made worse by being so daggone cute.  She gets so many inquiries because of that and then either gets shut down, they get turned down for not being a good match, they back out because of her history or she gets disrupted after in a home.

It's time to stop the cycle. Can you be the change the world needs to see? If you can be stubborn and out stubborn some cute kids that need a healthy home, and can provide healing and patient, connected parenting, please consider fostering, adopting or both.

Three Little Words

Ashley Rhodes-Courter wrote an amazing book that I just read yesterday.  Three Little Words.

Nope, the three little words aren't what you're thinking.

I couldn't put the book down.  A very fast read, but very inspirational insight into life as a foster child.

It was good on several levels, but I also saw so much of my daughter and her sister in this book.  The author writes about her journey in foster care and adoption, as well as a little about her younger brothers journey.  So many similiarities and I felt so much.

I can't even imagine the pain of a foster child, going through so much of the childhood on broken promises from the bio families, not knowing when/if you'll ever be home, so many that go through so many placements, the blame game and wondering why you're not good enough  (when it's not that at all), the uncertainty, the actual liking of an institution because it's safe, not being sure you'll be fed, not getting to keep your belongings from one place to another, the lost relationships, the fear of new places and learning new rules constantly, the worry over your sibling(s) and wondering if they'll ever be happy and have a forever home, the conflict of wanting to know how the bios are, combined with perhaps never wanting to even see them again, the survivors guilt of having your own family and finally being attached, even if insecurely and the hyper vigilance you develop and not being able to relax.

The writer speaks of finding the need behind the behavior, not her exact words, but it's so evident that if something is going on, you should find out what the cause is, not just lay blame.  I hurt for how much pain my child (and others) have been through. I can't understand why a parent wouldn't get how hard it is to go through this and not understand why/how it could take time to build that healthy attachment.  Our family is attached, but it's not an immediate action, it's something that develops with time.  How can one trust somebody immediately when everybody up to that point has let them down.

Everybody understands when somebody is grieving after a death, but so few understand why somebody grieves with losing somebody over and over again, even though it's not through death.  I don't see how somebody can not understand.

It only takes one to make a difference though. Be the difference!!

Ashley overcame so much and to have made such an impact is inspiring.

I can't wait to read the sequel.

Adult Adoption

http://timesleader.com/news/local/513501/on-her-day-of-adoption-21-year-old-says-youre-never-too-old-for-a-family

This makes me happy and sad at the same time.

Happy, because she finally has a forever family, despite many years of waiting.

Oh, how I hope that this makes all involved happy.

It makes me sad though that she was in foster care so long, waited so long, and no family to cherish her during the younger years, during those tough years where a child needs the extra support and could use the unconditional love of a family.

I think of that teenager that we did respite for that wanted so badly for us to adopt her.  We had already applied for kiddo.  I knew deep down we weren't the one for the teenager, although we really did enjoy her and adore her. I'm thankful and happy that at 17 she found her forever family.  She desperately wanted to be adopted and have a forever family.

I think of that cute 8 year old that spent the weekend with us just 2 weeks shy of 4 years ago and how she's been on a tv call to adopt in the news.  12 years old now and still hasn't found her forever family because after another family was chosen instead of us, they gave up on her.

The one that really hurts though, is I think of that amazing 11 year old little girl that looks up to my daughter like she hung the moon.  The one that was adopted at the age of barely 6, the ones who's adoption was disrupted on her 8th birthday, the one that 3 1/2 years later, has been in residential for the 3rd time currently, has been in over 1/2 dozen homes, the one that can't seem to find the family that she can connect and bond with, the way her big sister has. She's had a constant stream of families giving up on her and instances of her pushing others away and/or the social workers deciding she triggered too easily and moved her to eliminate triggers.

Yes, my daughters baby sister.....the one that is constantly in limbo, the one that can't seem to find peace and healing, the one that I FEAR one day will age out of care.

I don't really WANT to adopt her as an adult.  I want her to have a family now.  I want her to remain like our niece, not as a daughter. She deserves that. She deserves so much.

I'd give her a home to come to as an adult if she needs to.  The girls cannot be together.  They trigger each other too much to completely heal in each others presence.  They need connection, not constant life together.

My kiddo said she would adopt her as an adult if need be.  We'd do it before letting our child take on that responsibility, but I implore you to look into yourself.  Stick it out if you're fostering/adopting.  If you're thinking about foster/adopt, please start exploring it. Educate yourself.

If just one family out of every 3 churches (and I use this as an example, it certainly doesn't require you go to church to adopt), but if just one family from every 3rd church would adopt a child, there would be no orphans.  Every waiting child would have a family.

Be the change the world needs to see.

We can't change the world all by ourself, but every change we make is one step further to changing the world.