Measuring Bonding

There was a thread on facebook about adoption disruptions, why they happen and how people can even consider disrupting.

If you adopt a child, your child should be treated exactly as if they would be if they were born to you. In other words, if you wouldn't have given up if you'd birthed them, then don't give up just because they're not your blood.

I can't imagine loving our child any more whether she were born to us or not. She's the light of our life.

As the thread progressed, the question came up about how you measure bonding.

We got lucky. We adopted our daughter from an adoption that was dissolved and she fits in perfectly like a missing puzzle piece in our home. She's doing well and with work (attachment parenting) and attachment therapy, the bonding has occurred.  It was connection from day one and felt right right away, but even if there hadn't been that connection, I'm stubborn, we'd never give up.

As for answering how to measure bonding, I can't say I really know that exact answer, but I do remember some moments along the way that were good evidence in my eyes that bonding was happening.

We came back from vacation once and kiddo said "it's so good to be back home" and the way she said home was so different than other times. I knew she had become a family girl and was no longer just trying to fit in and feeling like it was temporary.

Early on when we visited her bio sis or social worker out of town, she'd pack stuff "to do" and a zillion baby dolls. The trip was 3 1/2 hours each way, but it wasn't about having things to do, despite what she said.  When we got home, she put her dolls away and told the other dolls and her dog that she didn't know why they were worried about the dolls being put up for adoption, they came home.  Tear jerker moment.  The day she started travelling light, I knew she knew we were forever and bonding had occurred.

We also own the house next door and rent it out. Kiddo said when she gets married, the renters go and she will move there. She said her and I will be talking from our front porches, she'll come eat our food and she'll send her kids to us when they're getting on her nerves.

For her, evidence we were in it forever was after massive meltdowns. She asked us on numerous attempts, tearfully, to send her back. We refused.

When we defended her in situations she wasn't accustomed to having support in, she knew we were going to take care of her.

When she was cutting, she had written a note to a friend that she was worried about us finding out and sending us back to foster care.  We found out, took her to the hospital and I took some time off with her to ensure she knew that we were serious about wanting her to be well, healthy and with us.  There have been no incidents since then.

The major one though, was after her foot surgery.  She was a demon for about 36 hours after the surgery and that was the roughest time we've had as parents (even more so than the cutting incident).  She had 6 weeks of having to depend on us for almost everything.  That, plus not giving up on how she behaved those first 36 hours, gave her the confidence to depend on us and know we were forever.

We still have issues, but nothing serious like that, knock on wood.

The food issues have been so much better over the past 6 weeks or so too
http://peskie-stilldreaming.blogspot.com/2016/05/food-and-family-progress.html 
So proud of her.

Have a few concerns about summer coming up, but also a few joys about it.  She's so much more relaxed in summer being here, not having school, etc.  But it is a challenge to get her out of the house and I want her to go out and enjoy things! She loves home so much that it's hard to get her out of the house when it's not a "required" activity, like school.

On the flip side, this is the first year that she's looked forward to vacation the way she is.

Attachment Therapy

I hate using the term attachment therapy, because it's not exactly that, it's not the rebirthing, holding, etc that tends to get lumped in with attachment therapy.  We've restarted attachment therapy as a booster, it's exercises led by an attachment specialist that promote bonding between child and parent.

Our facilitator is very well versed in attachment disorders and attachment healing and works with families and children on a regular basis. She's a fan of Marshak methods.  Before we got started, she talked to kiddowith us and asked her what her thoughts were and why she requested this. She said she didn't feel as close because we don't do as much together and she's on her trampoline or swing. Then she admitted she tells us to go away when we try to engage, and said she doesn't want to be like that.

What we did tonight:

• me, daddy and kiddo formed a "circle" and one of us would put a beanie baby on our head and signal to the one that we were going to pass it to next with our eyes and drop it into that persons hands, who would put the beanie baby on their head and pass to somebody, it had to be random.  why it helps: eye contact and playing with each other
• simon says with a twist: daddy and kiddo would have a pillow between them while momma would go thru simon says "go forward, turn clockwise, go backward, whatever, as long as it was something you could do with a pillow between you". If you messed up, you had to start over. Then daddy led and kiddo and momma did that.  why it helps: listening skills, physical closeness, working as a team (if one messed up and the other didn't, the pillow would hit the floor)
• wrapping feet with aluminum foil. Both daddy and I had to wrap her foot up with aluminum foil. why it helps: physical touch plus some giggles if her foot is ticklish
• momma read the book "The Runaway Bunny" to kiddo.  It had a very relevant message obviously, with what all has been going on and showed how momma's would do anything to keep their babies.  With the pictures, it also gave us room for dialogue and comparison and I get close to her when reading and speak in voices appropriate for story. why it helps: communicates in non threatening method, closeness
• Momma and daddy traced kiddo's hand on a piece of construction paper and signed it for kiddo.  She got tickled at the differences in both the way the hands looked and the way we sign, but touching her hands were the whys.
• Kiddo put lotion on our hand liberally and pressed our hand on a piece of construction paper, lifted softly and sprinkled powder on our handprint.  Pressing and putting the lotion on created the touch, but lifting softly helped train to be gentle.
• She had to wash our hands and we washed her hands, then we shared an individual bag of doritos, feeding each other.  Touch and nurturing.  

After all that was done, we sent kiddo for a walk around the office and talked a little bit.  The specialist asked what we noticed about this time vs last time.  I said she seemed more gentle this time than before. She said yes, and that was the #1 key in telling progress was the feeding exercise.  She's very optimistic that she's well on her way to bonding and that this is a temporary setback. She also said she noticed she treats us differently and more gentle with me, but that she's still better with daddy than she was with either of us previously, so it's a huge deal.

Feeling good about things. I think kiddo  is too. She was happy on the way home, and not one of those fake happy things.  

Playdate

The girls had a playdate today.

I finally figured out what's nagging at me, I just can't figure out the whole thing.

Every time we meet up, I see so much of my kiddo in her baby sis, which is to be expected.  But it finally occurred to me I'm seeing S treat kiddo alot like kiddo treated me early on.

What that means, I don't know.  Is she trying to bond and feeling insecure? Is she unsure her current role with her sis since they don't live together? It's very obvious they love each other.  S thinks our kiddo hung the moon.

I'm reminded of our attachment therapy with kiddo.  S is acting like she wants to be the "leading lady", a tad bossy, but sorta sweet about it. She definitely wants her own way, but on some level, I really get the feeling that it's not about wanting her own way, but seeing if she can get her own way and if she deserves it.

I want so bad for this little angel to do better with her therapy in residential this time and be ready to be a family girl when she gets out. I want her to find a family that will treasure her the way we do kiddo.  I want her to know what it's like to be spoiled and loved the way she deserves to be.

Not sure which of the 4 of us enjoyed today the most.