Still Fuming

I'm still fuming after the response from DH's mom.
I've written her a letter this morning just to get it out. It's not being mailed today. Just writing it makes me feel better.  If I feel later that it needs to be said and not just out of MY system, then I'll mail it.


MIL,

Unconditional love:

To love somebody with no conditions or circumstances: to love completely

Love is a verb, not a feeling

I’m very disappointed that the choice was made to choose no contact with your granddaughter for the next 6 years over having a relationship with your son. 

The #1 thing we HAVE to do to insure that our daughter feels like she’s in her forever family and for our family to love each other unconditionally and demonstrate that through our daily actions.

Defriending/blocking/etc everytime there is a disagreement, both with son and his wife and child is childish and not what I would have expected from a mother. I can’t imagine shutting my child out, regardless of what happens in the future. The first time we left it open for reconciliation so that our daughter could experience having an earthly grandmother.  I will not continue to let my daughter be hurt by those that are suppose to show her love.

Your response to our request for normalcy is very concerning at best.  I’m stunned that you’re willing to leave what happens 6 years from now to chance, just because you don’t want to speak with me or DH.

Maybe she will contact you when she grows up and want a relationship despite you shutting her out as a child. If so, then she’ll have both our blessings and we will be proud that she’s demonstrating unconditional love, even when it’s not shown.

If she doesn’t though, remember that today sets the tone for tomorrow.

Maybe I don’t get it because I always had unconditional love, but I don’t understand drama in families and shutting each other out.

I hope all is well and that you can rest in your decision without guilt. I know I wouldn’t be able to.

Signed,

Me

Dysfunctional Families & Unconditional Love

When kiddo first moved in, DH and his mother were not speaking.  She'd said something totally inappropriate and we cut her out until she could think over what she said and agree to watch her mouth.

She told DH that he deserved the abuse he received from his father when he was a child. NO child EVER deserves to be abused. Given that we were trying to adopt and knew abuse was very likely, there was no way we'd ever let her be near our child until that was handled.

About 5 months after kiddo moved in, DH and his mother made up. He made it very clear that this was not going to go on in front of her new grandchild and to watch what she said, that words could be very damaging.

Fast forward a few months......we find out one of DH's siblings had his mother cosign on a loan and has defaulted. Given her financial situation and that she's trying to find a new place to live, it made sense to offer some emotional help.  She cut us out of her life for that.  She defriended all 3 of us on facebook. That was over a month ago.

Today she refriends kiddo.  Not us, just her. One rule we have on kiddo's page is she only uses it here in the room with us and I have the password. She can only have approved friends on it.  They were messaging and I basically sent her a message on kiddo's page thru pm that we are working on showing kiddo unconditional love and continuing to defriend/block/friend again is not helping that and the 3 of us are a team and she can choose all of us or none of us.  She responded back with oh well, she can contact me in 6 years and you can't do anything about it.

Really? THIS is what you want your granddaughter to see?

We explained to kiddo what happened and she said "well, at least I still have one grandma" (moms best friend) and she also said "I bet my grandma in heaven is cussing this grandma out for that".

We told kiddo we were sorry that this kept happening, but this was NOT the unconditional love of a family and she deserved unconditional love like she receives from us.

She's mad, but it's not at us.

Were we wrong? I don't see where we were wrong to set those boundaries.  We can't have a child with attachment issues getting messages like this from her "family".  She's had enough dysfunction.

What I would give to have my mommy back. DH tells me all the time that me and my mother are the reason that he got over his attachment issues so well and learned what a healthy family was suppose to be like.  All I want is a healthy environment for my child and I'm furious, sad and disappointed that her grandmother chooses to have no relationship with her granddaughter over having a relationship with all of us.