What's your favorite Season?

 Mine is April.

Yes, I said April.

There is Winter. There is Spring. There is Summer. There is Fall. Then there is April.  A season of it's on.  So much new life in the air.  The green coming up is varying shades of green.  The tulips and dogwoods bloom.  The redbuds bloom.  The cherry trees and pear trees bloom.  People are in the yard mowing for the first time, or fertilizing and the yards turn even greener.  It's a season of it's own.  

Except in April, if you ask my favorite season, I will tell you summer HANDS DOWN.  Then along comes April and temporarily I think it's Spring, but then I realize I didn't like March.  May comes and it doesn't hold same appeal.  June, July and August are my next faves lumped together, but April.....

April is special.  April is a season of it's own.  

The sunshine is more special.

The thunderstorms better. 

Those nights around the firepit making memories.

April is special. April is a season of it's own.  Whats your favorite season?

A Rose By Any Other Name

 Would it still smell as sweet? Would we still be the same people if we had another name?

How did this random question come up? Well, I was searching for something I had posted and couldn't remember the name of it, so I typed "peskie" and the subject.  What actually came up was the meaning of the name peskie (not written by me)

                    "You have a power of expression, either in speaking or writing. You are in favor for studying and                        research. You are clever, clear-sighted and intellectual. You don't like to let others know your true                     feelings. You might be atheistic or agnostic. You have an eventful, exciting life. You are versatile                        and  have the ability to learn easily.

        

                    You are always looking for an opportunity to achieve financial and emotional security. You are                             basically peacemaker. You understand the law of harmony and desire to balance your life with                         those around you. You may feel incomplete without someone to share your love, ideals, wealth or                     work. You can be very sensitive and could appear a bit shy and perceptive. You have developed                         intuition, patience and the ability to nurture others. You can achieve the state of happiness if you                     is willing to accept your needs in a complimentary relationship and go to create them."

                                                      (sevenreflections.com)

It's rather amusing to me that even my screen name has a meaning that matches me.  Except atheist part.  

I guess a rose by any other name does still smell the same?  My screen name and my real self match.  

Last Christmas

 There is something just magical about Christmas. 

There is something magical about not the day, but about the spirit and love throughout the holiday.  This past Christmas was super special.  I had a "bonus kid" this time.  

Kiddo's fiance joined us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning and participated in our festivities and traditions.  Not just those 2 big days, but the whole season, his waking moments were all here. 

Kiddo's baby sister joined us for a week.

Due to company policy, I ended up out of work 4 days while I waited on covid test, even though I knew it wasn't covid, so I got to spend all that time with the kids.  

Fiance and baby sis helped us make ornaments this year.  Us girls did the normal ornaments.  Fiance did this super cute truck that was our centerpiece between the plants this year.  Such kids!!!

They basically had a few Christmas's wrapped in one.  Of course there was Christmas Eve and Day.  Christmas Eve we opened gifts from each other.  Christmas Day we opened Santa gifts.  While baby sis was here they had another Christmas and then fiances bday was Black Friday and their year anniversary dating and our familiversary also, they had another day of opening a couple gifts. 

Dust Bunny's first gift opened was a Sanford and Son dvd, hence the joke with the truck he painted as his ornament.

to put things in perspective, Dust Bunny and the girls all 3 have similar backgrounds, with a little less than they should have had in their early childhoods.  All neglected and/or abused.  It was so fun to spoil this boy with my girls.  I loved showing him our traditions, spoiling him and letting Santa visit like he should have had at 4 and 5 and 6, etc.

It's such a pleasure to give at Christmas and any time and I loved it so much.  He was stunned and amazed at his "loot".  He spoiled me a little bit too.  

Good kids and such fun.

But why am I talking Christmas this time of year? Because Easter is coming up Sunday and if the kids are super sweet, who knows? Maybe the Easter Bunny will visit.  

Bonkers and Loss

 The individuality of grieving is just that, individual.

I lost my kitty in March.  She was pushing 19 years old.  She would have been 19 today.  She led a great life and was a crazy cat.  The grieving though has been horrendous. See, here's the thing......before she was my feline daughter, she was my feline sister.  Bonkers belonged to my mommy.

In 2007, I lost my mom to lung cancer.  My niece wanted Bonkers. I was great with that.  After all, Bonkers was a peskie little feline sister that drove everybody nuts.  My brother, however, didn't think my niece should have her.  He said I should most definitely keep Bonkers myself.  After all, I had lived right next door to mom.  I lived in the country like Bonkers had.  He lived in the city.  Surely Bonkers would be much happier with me.

Bonkers was 5 at this point. 

I took that crazy thing in and loved her so much, a final living and breathing part of my dear mom. 

Just like she did with my mom, Bonkers loved to play tricks and pester others.  Most of the other pets were afraid of her. The dogs would never bug her. They knew they'd get beat up, even Mr Prey Drive husky wouldn't touch that girl.  

I remember when mom was still around, I went to her house one evening and she said so sadly "I think something is wrong with Bonkers, I'm worried she's sick".  I said her cat was too ornery to be sick and she was probably plotting something.  She said no, she was truly worried. She said that she had been in same place ALL day and hadn't budged even an inch and wouldn't respond to anything.  Again, I said "too ornery, she's fine".  Mom asked me to look for myself and took me to where Bonkers had laid for 10 hours straight.  She leaned over and said "look" and before she could get rest of sentence out, Bonkers jumped up real quick in the air at eye level with mom with a crazy look on her face and then just pranced off.

Mom said "OMG!! Bonkers!! You've waited ALL day for that"

That was the general personality of Ms Bonkers.  If you thought you knew what was going to happen next, just wait, you were probably wrong.

I miss that kitty so much, a living connection to my mom, no longer living.  :( 

Honestly, it's almost like losing mom again.  

(they behaved alike too)

Bonkers loved to eat moms flowers, my flowers, any flowers. 

I'm sure she's in Heaven with mom eating tons of flowers (and french fries, her other favorite food)

She said YES to the dress!!!

 

She said YES to the dress!

We looked at the dress in early February. Nothing even close to what she said she invisioned, so I suggested that she sleep on it and make sure that's truly what she wanted.

The dress was $1989. EEEK!!! Dresses sure went up in price since I got married.  She looked concerned over price and I told her if it was what she TRULY wanted, then  I would make it happen, not to think twice about it from price.  The lady in the shop came over and said the dress was currently on sale 30% off.  That meant it was "only" $1392.  We told her because it was so different from what she was originally looking for, that we were going to sleep on it and come back that following Monday if she decided it was the one.  

That Monday, it snowed and iced like crazy.

That following weekend, something else happened.

It was over a month later before we had even a little opportunity to go back. I was convinced sale would be ove and had my speech prepared to negotiate still getting it for $1392.

It was March 8th and I took the day off of work to spend time with my daughter and we had plans to check it out and if I couldn't arrange price, then we would leave and look at another shops dresses to see if same one there before we decided to bite the bullet. 

March 8th is my daughters birth dads birthday and I wanted to make sure to take care of her that day, love on her and make sure it was a good day of remembrance and special times instead of her staying in feelings missing him.  After all, she hadn't seen him since she was 7.  He passed away when she was 17 and she hated not being able to see him one last time.

We went in the shop, that dress was STILL THERE!!! It was meant to be.  We were so excited that the dress was still there (a genuine concern) that I forgot to ask to negotiate price.  

I'm convinced that baby's birth dad helped though.  The lady came up to us and said today only it's 50% off.  $994.50.  YES!!!!

She said YES TO THE DRESS!!!

And she loved that she said yes to the dress on her birth dads birthday.  She was so excited.  I told her that I was sure he helped her so that could be a way he was "walking her down the aisle" even though he wouldn't be physically present and when she gets weepy that day because he's not there to do that, I wanted her to remember he was there in the dress and was definitely with her.

Wedding Planning

 One thing that has kept me going in these times of adversity is the wedding planning.

I'm a planner by nature.  I love to throw big parties. Combination of the 2 = big wedding plans.

The icing on the cake is after talking with my lovely daughter, the bride to be, and her fiance, their idea of a dream wedding is so close to what my dream wedding would have been hat I can basically do what I'd like and it will make them happy.

Neither of them are planners.  They have nice dreams They have great ideas, but both are more "fly by the seat of your pants" and spontaneous.  Honestly, it's amazing they haven't been to courthouse yet.  One day, I wonder if I'll find out that they are already married and just waiting to tell us at the wedding.  

Its a rustic theme, in our backyard.  Full of lots of love, friends, a little family, good food, a good time is sure to be had by all.

We are 13 1/2 months out, but I've already got the photographer and DJ lined up. We have the meal planned although we haven't contacted restaurant yet.  Good ol pig pickin'.

They will drink from Mason jars, in memory of my side of the family, the Masons and also as a part of the rustic theme. Even the unity sand part of ceremony is in a personalized Mason style jar.  

I purchased the remaining bits of a wedding shoppe that went out of business.  It includes candelabra, arch, flowers, pillars and so much ribbon and fun. 

We have whiskey barrels for decor. I'm sure we will play lifetime donkey kong afterwards.  Some of the barrels even still have some whiskey in them.  

I honestly can't wait.  My fear is it's like Christmas Eve vs Christmas and the actual day will be a let down in comparison to the excitement of waiting for it. 

the hard one to write

 Husband and I have been having major issues since March 2018 to be precise. More than normal.

I'm heartbroken and it's been such a struggle.  We've been married 31 years and I feel like with over half my life being with him, that figuring out how to respond is so difficult.  He refuses to leave.  I refuse to leave.  Our home was purchased from my grandparents. I'd buy him out if he'd leave, but he's stubborn and since it's not a case of being physically abusive, it's hard to prove situation and no way to turn this around.

After a particularly hard week,  I finally got him to agree to counseling. I told him that was my only way I'd consider staying in this marriage.  That and meds for him. He's currently gotten 2 sessions under his belt. PTSD is horrible for the victim, but also horrible for the surviving supporting members of the victims family.

He's had complex PTSD for most of his life, due to severe abuse.  Unfortunately, 3 years ago, something happened and it triggered it so badly.  We haven't recovered yet and sometimes I feel that I have secondary PTSD from it.  

I'm jumpy.  I feel unsettled.  Although he's never physically hurt any of us, I feel fearful.  I genuinelly am afraid some days.  I also feel so angry.  Being somebody that never really had anger in their lives, this has been a difficult situation to deal with at best.  I feel sad. To the point that some days I wish I wouldn't wake up.  

I don't have an active death wish. Don't get me wrong.  But if I didn't wake up and I could know it, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be sad and would be missed by very few.

During a huge fight the day after my birthday, police ended up involved. They claimed to be on my side and before you know it I was admitted to hospital for 3 nights.  It was horrible to be so degraded. I was strip searched for drugs that I could potentially use to kill myself.  I was lied to on numerous occasions.  But, the worst part was not having clothes or phone and worrying so much about my daughter.

She moved in with her boyfriend for that time span.  She felt unsafe and unsettled and angry as well.

I didn't speak with him my entire time there.  I did, however, speak with my daughter and her love several times.  

The doctors eventually figured out I wasn't crazy and this was a domestic dispute and I was released without having a hearing or any of the normal activities for psychiatric care.

Will I ever recover from this? I don't know.  I do know I definitely have empathy for those at 1 North. 

Opinions.....are parents best teachers?

 I read this question earlier.  

I don't think that has a blanket answer.  There are too many variables.  It depends on the child.  It depends on the parent.  It depends on the situation.

Given the COVID issue and so many kids "home schooling" now, I can see reason for question, but it's so much deeper than that. 

I would love to say I think parents are the best teachers, but what if a parent has no idea what to do? I would like to think that their school teachers could help overcome some of that and make the difference for that person. Otherwise, everybody would be destined to repeat the same cycles over and over again.  Nobody would ever be able to improve our communities because we would be limited to what our parents were able to do for us.  Or willing, whichever the case may be.

That said, my parents were definitely my best teachers.  

I hope that one day my child will say I was a best teacher.  I definitely tried to teach. So much true learning is more than a classroom. It's about critical thinking skills.  It's about experiences. It's about emotions and relationships.  It's also about knowledge, but how much more important it is to know how to find answers than remembering answers.  

Thank God for that.  My memory isn't what it used to be. However, I do know how and where to find some answers.  Hopefully that counts.

My mom used to teach me all kinds of things.  She taught me to read at 2.  She was persistent with her technique in how to teach me to do things. My dad taught me values.  My mom taught me what I got from playing at times. She taught me to look up answers. It was nothing for me to sit in living room floor looking up random information in an encyclopedia.  I can't imagine if google had been around in my childhood.  

We took our child many places, experiencing things, pointing out valuable things.  My husband will occasionally complain about our daughter being just like me.  I taught her that.  There are worse things that could happen.  Our life was a big field trip.  She didn't do great at school in memorization activities, but was great hands on.  Our field trips taught her much.  She will occasionally bring up something she learned on family outing that was fun.  

Play is our childs most important work.  

I'd like to think I'm a good teacher, but I'm certainly not willing to rely on me alone to be what has my daughter succeed or not.  I'm not so vain I don't think others have value.

Life really is a learning adventure until the day we die.  It's not just for kids. 

College? No college? Career? Change?

Name three things you’d do if you weren’t afraid of failure.

Work has not gone well for me lately.  I've had staffing issues, there has been COVID and then when stimulus's constantly, nobody has really needed a loan.  I'm in a rural area where $1200 and $1400 is more than alot of our customers net in a month on their job.  Then add 3-6 kids, they are raking in the dough. 

So, since my head is on the chopping block for lack of ability to grow in this climate because I'm taking payoffs and payments like mad (on the plus side, my past due percents are getting lower and lower by the second because they have money now), it's got me to thinking "what would I do if I did lose my job?"

I don't have a college degree.  I've been in the financial industry since 1987 (I was 17).  I make twice as much as the average citizen in this area because we are a rural, depressed, underdeveloped county with low median incomes.  I can NOT change a job and make anywhere near as much money as I make.  

Oh, let me rephrase. I don't make twice as much as average citizen. I make twice as much as average FAMILY in this area. On my own. 

Some of you may know, my husbands lack of work is a sore spot.  A thorn in my side, I have to realistically think "what if?".

If I weren't afraid, what I'd really do would be give up the rat race and ONLY do things that make me happy and that I'm passionate about.  Unfortunately, that would lead to a drastically different standard of living. 

After all, how much money could I make writing? How much could I make doing baby and engagement photography without expanding to the high costs wedding photography? (there is nothing I'd hate worse than my hobby being a chore with bridezilla).  How much could I make just renting out all this wedding stuff  I purchased from a wedding shop that went out of business?  In a high end market, yeah, in a depressed economy, most will marry at church or court and use their materials.  How much could I make converting photos to digital? How much could I make selling stuff on ebay?  Flip or flop on stuff to put on ebay could be fun, but realistically, would I make enough to make it worth it?  Professional stalking? Well, no, not really, but skip tracing for people that need to find out about people, where they are for collections? or searching birth family from adoption? etc

On the bright side, the house is paid for.  The only car not paid for will be paid off in February 2022. I could have a garden to feed myself.  God knows I have plenty of land.  All I'd need is enough for electricity, supplies to support my hobbies and needs, insurance, clothes, meat to go with what I grow, and pool supplies of course.

Huge difference in standard of living, but I could live. Maybe living off the grid wouldn't be horrible.  I could cut the cable off and get raku tv or use firestick.  Internet and cell phone may be a challenge, but it's doable.  

Sometimes I just need to convince myself I don't need ANYBODY to make things happen and I can live just fine.  I'd be without insurance and medical pretty quick but I'd be able to survive at least, maybe following passion could provide a thrive even without the finances being stable.  Doubtful, but maybe.  I am pretty accustomed to my life style.  

COVID

 How did I go the whole year of 2020 and not post anything? How did I lose my password again? 

All that extra time and I forget.

Where we left off at, so much has happened since then.

Covid, my daughter graduated, she's engaged now, her sister finally has a foster home of her own. So, I'm thinking now that the girls are virtually grown, I'm going to write about random things. 

I need to find friends. I need a life outside of the kids. What will I do when my monkey gets married? Even though we are best friends, she deserves a strong marriage with the ability to separate childhood and adulthood. 

Meanwhile, I'm having a ball hanging with them. They include me in so much. COVID, ironically, drew us so close together. 

Friday night family dinners started including fiance long before he was fiance.

We did outdoor activities and grew so close. 

With the absence of the "noise" of other people, it's amazing what work gets done in relationships. Unfortunately, what drew us close can also separate others. That's a story for another day. Not ready to tackle that emotional train wreck yet.

My diary on some days, random ramblings other days, but either way I'm back.

Now, how to change my blog title. Still Dreaming doesn't seem appropriate for the goal. Maybe chasing dreams?  

So I'm coming back!

 I've decided it's time to put in writing all these thoughts running in my brain and I finally remembered my password so here I am. Stay tuned....

One More Loss

Adoption comes out of loss. 

We only have our daughter because she was removed from her first parents.  Despite that things weren't perfect, they were her parents, she loved them and in their own unhealthy ways, they loved her. How could they not?

As she went into foster care, there was so much emotion for her to deal with, so much loss and grief to deal with.  She'd one day move to another home, be adopted, and get disrupted again, losing yet another set of parents.

4 1/2 years after being removed from her birth home, she'd move in with us and it would take many years before she'd start feeling safe and know that we were in it forever and that forever wasn't just a word people said.

12 days short of 6 years from the day she moved in, our little girl, who's 17 and so grown, would wake me up to tell me she couldn't sleep.  Restless, she finally headed back to bed to attempt to get back to sleep.  A night full of restlessness, I was checking my phone and saw I had a message.

Her birthmom messaged and said "message me back ASAP. It's important".  I felt that sinking feeling knowing something had happened.

Kiddos birthdad had just passed away about 30 minutes prior to that.  Coincidentally, about the time kiddo had entered my room to tell me she couldn't sleep.

It had been 8 years since she had seen him and I knew that despite the time, despite the love for us, that this would not be an easy conversation.

Putting it off as long as possible that next morning during our Saturday morning ritual of cuddling with the pups, I finally told her.

She was devastated.

She laid on me and let me just rub her hair and tell her I love her.

As her tears flowed, all I could think about was "why? why does my baby have to go thru so many heartbreaks in her lifetime?"

She will go thru the loss of parents so many times in her life.

She lost both birth parents once when she was removed.
She lost her first set of adoptive parents when the adoption was dissolved.
She lost her birth father through death.
One day she'll lose her birth mom through death.
One day she'll lost us through death.

Why? Why does my baby have to be subjected to so much pain in her short life thru far?  Why does she have so much pain ahead of her?

Not only does she have so much loss and grief, but somehow because she's adopted, the past isn't suppose to matter, she doesn't have the same support others have when they lose somebody.  People don't get her pain the way she deserves to have people understand her.

I'm so glad she knows it's safe to talk to us, but I do wish more understood that a kind word, a gentle encouragement, something is better than ignoring her pain. 

Been a year.....

how crazy that it's less than 2 weeks from a year since I've been on here.

I forgot my password.  How nuts is that?

Anyway, problem solved and I'm back!
As my kiddo is growing up so much, it's probably going to be random ramblings just to get things out of my head.

A few goals for the year are to do more things to take care of myself (ie. writing, eating better, painting, photography, etc).  I'm also going to make my hours at work count more and try to increase the bonuses.  I'm so frustrated at work and need to feel like it's worth it.  Finally, I'm going to work on improving my preparing kiddo for the future.  She's a Junior now and almost grown up chronologically and may need some extra care to get ready for the work world that is ahead.

College Acceptance & More

How far we've come

When baby girl first moved in, we were getting 3-4 calls a week from the school regarding both behavior issues and academic issues.  Academic issues were about her not doing the work, erasing her ipad and not turning in the work, etc.

Behavior issues to the point of teachers turning their heads, pretending they didn't see us in public to avoid talking to our child. 

A couple years later, behavior issues were non-existent.  We were getting compliments from teachers on our childs behavior, manners and how respectful she is.  We were told "you should have more kids, if all our students were like yours, a teachers job would be so easy".  She still struggled with the academics, but was a dream as far as behavior at school.

Last year, it was all about balance.  She was achieving straight A's, earning academic awards, behavior a dream, popular with her peers. 

Comparing now to 5 years ago is like comparing how far you can see at 2 am vs 2 pm.

Things are going well at school and while she has some hard classes and not a straight A student, her effort is there, her focus is there and we couldn't ask for more.

She's received her first college acceptance letter.  She will be doing dual enrollment for her Junior and Senior year of high school and should be able to have all her general credits for associates degree by the time she receives her high school diploma.

This week, we received a letter stating she was being invited to apply to enter Governors School for her Junior and Senior years. 

She can choose to do Governors school, college or both at the same time as finishing her high school career.  Governors school is a program that is for gifted students to challenge and teach beyond what is available in a normal high school education.

Governors school is competitive and only about 15% of applicants are accepted.

Dual enrollment, on the other hand, would save us 2 years of college expenses.  Oh wait....no it wouldn't, kiddo was adopted after age 8, so 2 years is free anyway.

I think both would be too overwhelming, although it is an option.  I hope she doesn't do that because I want her to enjoy the rest of her high school years, but on the other hand, how amazing that this is an option.  Our Godson did both and we're so proud, so it is possible. 

If I were her, I'd choose college vs dual enrollment, but the choice is hers and I'm not going to weigh in, just support the decision. 

We shall see what happens. 

Sibling Visits

With holidays and a zillion work things, it's been awhile since I've written.

The visit we had planned back in November didn't happen.

Baby sis lost it and ended up in the hospital, followed by going to a residential treatment center.  It was rough not getting to see her for the holidays.

We got thru the holidays fine, despite that, and kiddo started getting more and more stressed about the lack of contact with her sister.

This week though, she has called kiddo every day and her therapist has been on a few of the calls and they have arranged a play date. It's going to be harder because she's even further from us now, but we're all excited to see her.

I think baby sis is anxious to see kiddo.  Today she called (5th day in a row) and said "so when is it you're coming to see me?"

I've been a little uptight over the whole situation, a little angry at the baby sis for disrupting the plans for the holidays, losing her temper and refusing to go back where she was.  Yeah, she asked to be moved and it wasn't pretty.  She tore up all her clothes.  We couldn't send her her Christmas gifts because it's not items on the approved list.  We send some of kiddos hand me down clothes so she'd have something other than Christmas to take care of her clothing needs.

S (baby sis) isn't speaking with her case worker currently, angry over her placement, etc.  I'm hoping this means she'll actually work the plan, realizing she's had it made with some of the group homes and that this rtc stay will result in enough healing to allow her to be able to live in a family setting.

Trauma Bonds

We have a visit with baby sis coming up in 2 weeks.  It's the first one since kiddos sweet 16 party. After the party, baby sis went off the deep end and trashed both tv's in the group home she was in.

When siblings get together and they’re reminded of the past and everything bad that’s happened, they may transfer their fears and anger onto their sibling.  It makes sense, given the person that did the abusing isn’t there for them to lash out at.  It can be worse than the anger they have at the grown ups in their lives. They are there with each other and the one constant. It has to be dealt with and not ignored.

Many times they can’t be together without supervision.  Sometimes it can result in being separated, like our daughter and her baby sis and not live in the same house.  Sadness, fear, frustration and fatigue turn into anger. The separation is working for the girls and they are nice to each other and love each other.  The first visit they had after kiddo had a break in residential went very poorly and was scary for everybody involved. It was at that moment that it was presented for them to be separated.They are learning to be kind to each other. 

Activities between them need to be kept fun, but relatively low key and short.  Burning off energy is also good.  All that keeps the drama at a minimum.  I noticed that after 2014 with the frequent visits that our daughter got much worse temporarily.  2015 there were very few visits and by 2016 our daughter was a completely different person and acting like a regular teenager.  The trauma history was no longer evident in her behaviors.

It will be interesting to see how their relationship ends up as they grow up and become adults.  Kiddo thinks her baby sis will want to move in with her and she said she can’t do that.  We promised to do what we can to help her be close without being in her face.

Baby sis is very rough in her play.  It happens frequently and it’s because of the trauma bond.  Trauma bonds are frequently considered as the bond between victim and perpetrator, but it can also happen between those that shared these traumas together.  Because of the girls difference in age and understanding, they were at different developmental stages at the time of trauma and their healing processes run differently.

The intensity of what the girls experienced and no suitable outlet? Can you imagine going through that? How would you react? Why are people judgmental?  Why would people call kids and their behaviors bad, when it’s really the only coping skill they knew? They can’t use positive coping skills until they learn positive coping skills. They can’t learn positive coping skills until they trust those that are trying to teach them these skills.  They can’t trust these people until the grown up has earned the trust. That trust will take longer than your average person.  Why? Why not? It’s logical that trust would hard to come by.  They were unable to trust those that were suppose to love them best.  Why would somebody outside the family be trustworthy?

Today marks 4 years since the day that the judge pronounced us family.  It's been 5 years since our daughter was our daughter in our hearts.  It was just last year that our daughter finally said she knows this is forever.  4 years to get to the point of knowing you're home forever.

As adults, when we get together with our siblings, we can find ourselves taking on the role we did as a child in that sibling set.  My hubs, for example, has a trauma bond and after more than 30 minutes of time with his sisters, his accent comes back.  Kids may go back to acting as they did when they were in the chaotic environment they first knew.  If adults regress around siblings, wouldn't it stand to reason that kids would too? 

Just the act of being separated creates sadness and loss. They've lost their parents and most bio family, then they worry they are losing each other.  But sometimes, they need different things. 

What they really need though:

• Parents that are open minded and willing to keep contact.  Baby sis is scared to death that if she's adopted, they will not allow her to still see her sister
• Parents that are able to listen to the childs needs, both the verbal listening and the behavior and body language.  Our daughter tells us what she needs now, but before we had to read between the lines.
• Parents that recognize this is a loss and that a desire to be connected to their birth siblings doesn’t equate to a lack of desire to be connected in their new family.  After acknowledging curiousity and normalcy of this, the searches in kiddos history of her bios quit showing up in her internet history.  She knows we'll get the info we need.
• Parents that are honest, open and compassionate

Our daughter first saw the separation as a punishment and a loss that was dictated to pay her back for all she’d done.  As time went on she realizes not, it wasn’t about her behavior, but about her needs.

And that brings us to survivors guilt…..

Coming soon

November: National Adoption Month. 

Please don't ignore posts about Adoption and waiting kids. Sharing may result in a child finding their forever home. The kids deserve a place to call home.

When I think about the time we spent waiting, I'm overwhelmed by emotion that as hard as the wait was, it's nothing compared to the wait from a childs view. We know several cuties still waiting on their homes, far longer than we waited to provide a home. No child deserves to not have a forever home.

One of those cuties is my childs baby sister.  She's 13 now, she was removed from bio home 2 months before her 4th birthday.  They were adopted once, but it disrupted. That child has had nearly 10 years of bouncing around in the system, waiting for that family that will treasure her the way she deserves to be treasured.

Imagine being a child, not knowing where you belong, not knowing if you'll ever experience what every kid in the world should experience--to be cherished; to have somebody that will never give up on them no matter what; to have somebody that understands connection is what it's all about; to have at least one adult that is irrationally crazy about them and will help them become the best they are meant to be.

National Adoption Month is a month of celebration, of hope, of passion. It's also a month of resolution, awareness and advocacy. While much has been done and many waiting kids are home, there is MUCH more to do and far more kids waiting to be home. What is your part in the solution?

I celebrate our baby's adoption finalization in the same month as national adoption month, there is so much to appreciate. I love that child deeply.

But in the midst of celebration, I also am wistful and sad at how many kids haven't seen their happy endings yet.  So much loss and pain around these "celebrations".  

The BFF Triangle

Several years back, we had some drama with BFF K's family. As a result they grew apart, as we weren't constantly inviting K to go do things. It's hard to spend money on somebody when you feel taken advantage of.

K was growing up anyway.  Slightly older, serious boyfriend, driving, job, etc.  It was only natural they'd be drifting from hanging out 24/7. 

We missed K so much though.  It's been rough to feel like we had a second daughter that all the sudden was no longer here.

Everytime they saw each other though, the bond was so evident and so sweet to see how much they truly love each other.

9th grade came along and BFF A entered the picture.  More age appropriate, they started forming a strong bond and so similar to each other, they could finish each others sentences.  She went to the beach with us this year and they had so much fun. 

The downside, however, was we quickly figured out she's in an abusive relationship with a controlling boyfriend.  Of course, like most victims, she made excuses for his bad behavior.  He texted her constantly.  Shortly after we got home, kiddo found out that A was sexually active and was very upset and angry over it.  Hubs gave her good advice and said "when your best friend makes bad decisions, that's when they need you the most.  It's okay to let them know it was a horrible decision, but be there for her because she's going to need somebody to help her pick up the pieces from it"

Fast forward a month.....former BFF K is pregnant.  OMG!! I'm going to be a grandma.  Well, not literally, but she was my 2nd daughter for years, that makes me a grandma, right?

She's a senior in high school and has worked it out to graduate in December instead of May.  Thank God she was ahead in credits, straight A student, etc and only needs 2 classes to graduate. She's taking those 2 classes this semester and will be able to graduate well before the baby arrives.

I'm devastated that she is making these big girl decisions and not being a kid and not getting to enjoy the traditional Senior fun.  This used to be my worst nightmare about kiddo. Knowing the past, I feared so many times I'd be a grandma before she graduated.  I hope we can use this as a learning tool.

After kiddo got over the initial shock and anger, she reached out and said "I'm going to be the best aunt your baby will ever have" and the girls have once again become inseparable.  Boyfriend is still with K, but he's gotten a stable job and working good hours to try to take care of the baby.  K is working part time on the weekends, so they don't see each other often, but her and kiddo are together in between. 

It's been good to see them laughing together, especially since K has been incredibly depressed since finding out she's pregnant. She said she feels horrible, because she was the girl that always talked about girls that got pregnant in high school and how stupid it was.  K was on birth control, but antibiotics interfere with that and apparently their once a week dates were enough to make things happen.  She always said she'd start having babies right after school. We always told her to enjoy life first and be her before having to be responsible for another human. 

My fear is that kiddo will romanticize it, since she'll get to babysit and be auntie, etc.  I hope that kiddo keeps her head on straight and doesn't go down that path. 

With both BFF's making those big girl decisions, it's a scary place for momma to be.

BFF A is jealous as all get out over BFF K. 

A spends ALL her time with the boyfriend.  K sees the boyfriend/baby daddy once a week.  Kiddo feels A is putting boyfriend above them and boyfriend keeps telling A that she shouldn't spend time with kiddo.

So, naturally kiddo spends time with K. It's easier, it's more relaxed, there is less drama.  A and her fight like cats and dogs sometimes. Kiddo is taking the easy way out, A is mad, A keeps texting because she's upset, but then gets mad when she's told what the issue is. 

Kiddo can NOT hang with A's boyfriend. He triggers her. His abusive demeanor takes her down paths she doesn't deserve to be. I've even explained that and suggested she at least split her time, but A doesn't get it and kiddo is left in the cold.  Apparently A even makes fun of kiddo because her and her boyfriend don't spend all their free time together, they haven't even really kissed yet. 

A and kiddo fighting like cats and dogs (not really) but I do think it's funny and appropriate that they did this at the beach. 

High school is so dramatic.  It makes me tired.

Past life......

When kiddo turned 13, her prior adoptive parents sent a gift and a letter.  We let her have gifts, but always put the letters in a file for when she's older and ready to tackle that.  She does know that we have them, however, and that she can ask when and if she ever gets ready for them.  Sometimes she just asks if there is anything in the letter that she'd want to know.

That was 2014.

The letter was addressed to "kiddo PRIOR last name".  We sent a letter that gifts and letters weren't necessary, but that if they felt the need to send them, to please NOT use their last name.

Over 3 years later before we heard from them again.  Last week we received a letter (sent thru DSS).

The letter was addressed to "Kiddo RANDOM last name".  I thought  I'd die.
Too funny.  Kiddo thought so too.

They were kind enough to send her pics of their dog (hers previously) finally.  They also sent a pic of themselves.  She took the dog pictures and asked if she could cut their picture to pieces.  I'm guessing she's not ready to deal with them.

Her grandfather when she was with them recently passed away.  I always worry about loss and grief effects on the trauma brain, even if it's not somebody she's currently close with.  One of her best friends mom was just diagnosed with cancer and that's scary to watch as well.  Every loss brings back feelings of loss and all that she's been through.

This week we heard from bio aunt.

Kiddos biological mom is in ICU, stroke and blood clot on the brain.

We let her know what was up.

She was very concerned about that happening to her one day.  We had a good talk about genetics and environment and how lives are a mix of both.  Pretty sure at least part of the concern was for the 1st mom, although she'll never admit it.

I know she means it when she says she has no desire to see her, but I also know that she cares about her.

Hopefully all this will not turn her too wonky.

Teenage Contolling Boyfriends

When somebody that had years of abuse tells you you're in an abusive situation, dismissing it is the last thing you should do.  If they share their story, don't dismiss it. Understand the pain that comes from reliving it.

When friends speak up, it may be hard to hear, but look at the common denominator in your challenges. Is it one person that thinks its a bad relationship or more?  If it's more, you know what needs to happen.

Love yourself enough to ask for help.  People do NOT change and nobody should have to try to convince somebody they love to change.  They should automatically be treated with love and respect. If you have to ask for love and kindness, it's not real.

A child can't control abuse within the home but anybody can stop abuse from a partner.  What you ignore becomes more.

Doing nothing says it's okay.

If friends start drifting, it is usually because they've been alienated and because it's so difficult to watch. There is nothing that can replace true friends. Don't give up.

There is nothing harder than knowing somebody you love is in a controlling, bad, abusive relationship and not being able to change it.

It's even worse when it's flaunted how much they "love them" and knowing they've chosen them over true frlends and a good life.  The people with good relationships don't have to post about it 80 times a day. If you do, you're trying to convince yourself and others.

Others know and love enough to want you happy and call you out. Love yourself.  It only gets worse with time.

I'm so proud of my child for speaking up to her bestie and letting her know with love that she is in relationship that isn't healthy. There was a time it would have been my child on receiving end, not believing she was worthy of being treated well.

It hurts to watch her friend make excuses and keep accepting poor treatment.