Anxiety and Siblings

the family that wants to be baby sis's parents contacted us yesterday and said that they've been denied the opportunity to have her back.  They are devastated, as are we.  We actually think they were well suited for her. One of the few willing to put up with her crap and not give up on her.

It got me to thinking about how rough things were for baby sis while she was staying with them and wondering why she was going so crazy, when it was pretty obvious that she actually liked that family. They are the only family she's stayed in contact with while in residential.

I also realized that some of our most challenging times were while baby sis was with them too.

Hummm.....

I'm thinking it was the sibling visits.

They've been separated since May 2012.

They had a visit in fall of 2012.

In 2013, they saw each other April, June, November and December.

In 2014, they saw each other March, May, June, August, October, November and December.

In 2015, they saw each other in February, April and May.

That family entered the picture in October of 2015.

January-April was really rough for our family.  Kiddo really started turning arond in May and has been at her best since May and at her worst January-April.

I can't help but wonder if they triggered each other so bad, that's why both of them have had their worst behaviors in ages early this year.

In August, just the mention of baby sis and kiddo asked to not have to talk on the phone with her yet. I asked kiddo to tell me when she's ready for calls and/or visits. To date, she hasn't requested anything.

Kiddo has been better than she ever was since May. We've had the calmest 6 months since our family has been established.  Coincidence or because we told her she's allowed to control the frequency of visits?

Trauma Bonds are exhausting and heartbreaking.

I love both of these girls dearly and I just wish they could both be happy and well adjusted. I think ours is on her way there.

Trick or Treat

How old do you let your kids continue to trick or treat?

I'd give treats to a kid of any age (or adult) if they were dressed the part.  But, we live in the country, in the last 13 years, we have had ZERO trick or treaters.

Kiddo wants to go trick or treating so badly. We said no to trick or treating, but considering letting her go trunk or treating.  Church wouldn't be judgmental about my crazy teen coming for candy, right? lol

Not sure if we'll go for it or not.  She was going to have a party but the few she wanted to come can't come on Halloween, so she's having her get together the day after Halloween.

Now that she's free on Halloween, she wants candy!! Like we wouldn't buy her a ton.

So, what's your rule? What do you all do on Halloween? Just about have her talked into going to see Goosebumps on Halloween.

BFF Love

Starting to think maybe we're seeing the drifting apart of the super closeness that kiddo and her BFF have had.

After our August vacation, taking BFF with us, we said BFF was going to have to step up if she wanted the perks of being kiddos bff.  We take her everywhere with us, treat her like our daughter when she's with us and 95% of their relationship is one sided. We spoil BFF. BFF rarely asks her to do things with their family.  Not really an issue as their family is much larger, so we have the funds to spoil, but more than an occassional "Come over and hang out" would be nice.

Kiddo is starting to talk about inviting other friends to do things and expressing a little need to seek out a more balanced relationship.

BFF spends so much time texting the boyfriend, crossing a few lines in several areas and a little more grown than she needs to be. Kiddo is finally realizing while they love hanging out and love each other, they are more different than similar and she's starting to get freaked out by some stuff.

So proud of her for speaking up and seeking ideas on how to change her path.

We shall see what comes of this.

On another note though, such sisters, these bff''s.

Friday Night, BFF woke up at 2 am and I was awake for some reason and she said "Mommy (yes, she calls me mommy), I'm going to push your daughter out of this bed. I hate sleeping with her. She's getting on my nerves and her knee has been up my butt"

Saturday Night, Kiddo woke up 2 am and said "Momma, BFF is getting on my nerves and her knee is up my butt, I can't sleep"

lol

The crazies of BFF life.

Morning Talks

We have such good quality conversations and/or laughter, whether serious or not on the way to school in the mornings.  While kiddo is not a morning person, usually we can talk in the car.

Yesterday:

Kiddo: (tells me story about something that happened at school yesterday)

Kiddo: "I just couldn't tell him no!"

Me: (thinking teachable moment)

Me: "Yeah, not being able to say no worries me"

Kiddo: lol, not like that momma, you know I can say no, I say no to chores all the time

Crazy kid!! What?


Today:
(after a rough start to the morning and serious ODD issues)

Me:  What's going on? What are you stressed about?

Kiddo: I don't know

Me: Well, if you did know, what would you tell me

Kiddo: Weirdo!! Okay, I'm worried you and daddy are mad at me

Me: Huh? Why?

Kiddo: Over my grades (report card last week)

me: What did we do Saturday?

Kiddo: Went to the movies and Game Stop

me: and what was that a reward for?

Kiddo: The good grades (laughs)

Kiddo: But there were some bad test scores

Me: You applied yourself this time, no missing assignments, full participation and obvious you worked hard on it. Why would we get mad about that?

Kiddo: I guess you wouldn't.

Kiddo: Laughs

Get to school, drop her off

Me: I love you, have a great day

Kiddo: Blah, blah (laughs again)

Spoiled or Loved?

Some people say we spoiled our daughter alot.

My 2 besties say "no, she's just loved"

Yeah, she gets almost everything she wants.  She asks for very little though. She has no sense of entitlement. She says "I'm so spoiled" and knows she has tons, but it's so rare for her to actually ask for something.

The other day hubs ordered the Echo for her Christmas present.  We have almost all the Christmas shopping done already, because it's so fun to shop for her.

This morning she came in and said "I used to have a stuffed Alvin the Chipmunk and my dog took it. I really miss it. You should get that for me".

5 minutes later it's ordered for Christmas. Alvin, Brittany, a Christmas CD and Christmas DVD.

Yeah, we love spoiling her.  I mean, LOVING her!!

Back to School

Kiddo broke her leg in March of this year and in mid March had surgery. She was out of school and home schooled the rest of the year. 

So much progress with attachment and anxiety has been made since then.

Needless to say, I was dreading her going back to school.

Back to School night was the day before vacation and she was having anxiety just on the way to the IPad meeting.  I thought we were going to have a meltdown, but she sucked it up and made it inside and found a couple of her best school friends and was glad she went because she missed them. 

We're a week in, 2nd day of school, she was in tears when I dropped her off (but in all fairness, had physical therapy that morning and was late to school as a result, both pain and off schedule was bad).  I was worried it would develop a habit, but she's been fine all week.  

Her and BFF still are trying to talk daddy into home schooling them, but they're not making progress. 

Hoping for a smooth school year. Smoother summer than normal, so optimistic that we're on a good path now.

Vacation

We took kiddo and her BFF on vacation week before last and it was one of our better ones. Only one incident and it was over within the length of time it takes to ride go karts.

We got so many compliments on the girls behaviors, even to the extent of being asked if we wanted to trade.

The girls wanted to ride go karts and when we got there, kiddo backed out and was near a meltdown, seemingly in fear.  Her BFF and hubs rode go karts and kiddo sat on the bench mad.

Not long after they were through, she said "I can't stay mad at y'all when you're making me laugh like that".  We asked why she was mad and she said she didn't know.

Therapy the following Tuesday and her therapist thinks she was triggered by something that reminded her of her birth family. I'm not really buying it this time. Normally I'd agree, but this time it just doesn't feel like that's what it was.

She's been okay ever since too. Not sure what was up there.

As for the vacation, we took the girls to the Great Smoky Mountains and rode first class on a train. The girls loved it, and honestly, it was one of the better vacations we've had on so many levels.  It was relaxing and full at the same time.

Some highlights:

BFF tied a cherry stem with her tongue. (she has a giraffe tongue)

\We all tried frog legs. They really  DO taste like chicken.

We went and saw an Indian dance

The girls and I were disappointed that we didn't see any living bears while we were gone, but we did see this stuffed bear in a store.

We went to the Museum of the Cherokee Indian. The girls were amazed at the amount of racism in the day demonstrated.

The amazing view from our hotel. Oh, and we had a window bench seat in the room that BFF slept in instead of the bed.

Our first time on a scenic train like this, and it was AMAZING.  Anybody wondering what it's like, it's worth it.  

First class seating, but we sat on the side with tables with 2 chairs each so we could all have a window view:

Speaking of window views:

Amazing food on the train too:

 The girls had Shirley Temples. The server was so impressed with their behavior and hair, she didn't even charge us.


And desserts for all in first class....

The gimme's were great on first class too. We all got a Smokies travel cup, unlimited refills on the train from first class.  The girls got nice spiral bound coloring books vs coloring sheets in the other cars.  They got free frisbees.  We all got nice canvas tote bags (and I have a tote bag fetish, so that made me happy).  The above desserts instead of airplane pretzels.

We would do it again.