Hopelessly in Love

Every long night waiting on our child....
every heartbreak and tear along the way....

yep, EVERY one, will all be worthwhile when this one works out.

So afraid to be optimistic after all the weird stuff and heartbreak we've run into. 

Visit went well today. I was a bundle of nerves and I'm sure she was too, but somehow, for me, it went away the second she came in.

We left bright and early this morning and travelled nearly 4 hours to review files with her adoptive worker.  After we finished reviewing her info, we took a break and reconened a couple hours later with her therapist. They said if we were sure we wanted to proceed, we could see her for a few minutes.  The logic was that she needs to know they are actively seeking the best parents possible for her and wanted to give her a few minutes to see what was up and ask any questions. 

This was the best few minutes of my life to date.





(oh, and I had no idea how much like our family she looks--it's crazy how much like my niece she looks--I'm so giving my brother a hard time and asking if he's been running around, heehee)

After the incident in March, I'm still distrustful and afraid to believe it'll actually happen, but wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I actually am fairly optimistic, lol

They warned us to be very patient though, that she'd take quite a few visits before she'd be ready to visit here and a few more before moving in.

We're going to have some long, frequent road trips, but she's so worth it!!!

Please dear Lord, do NOT let this fall thru.  My heart will break in a million pieces and if this falls through like H did in March, I don't think I'll be able to recover to pursue adopting. At that point, we would have to give up. 

That said, I really do believe she's OUR DAUGHTER and this WILL work out.

We'll know for sure within the week that we're officially picked. 

The toddlers fell through, but GREAT News on the "mini-me".

The child that looks exactly like me at that age, we interviewed on last Monday and yesterday we were invited to come see her file next Thursday, talk to them and ask questions and meet her if we wanted.

Of course we want!!

Our adoption worker told them no to meeting her though.  They said they think it's better to review her file, take some time to digest and meet her on another day.

Either way, we've gotten this far.  I'm sad that our worker stopped the visit for this week and it's not going quite as fast. I'm happy though that we're obviously top pick.  Our worker said for them to allow us access to all that information means that we're the ones.

After the Princess H incident back in March, we're not trusting it and calling it a match until after we sign the adoptive agreement.

But all signs point to SUCCESS!!!

We're going to be parents to a little girl that looks EXACTLY like me and loves dogs!! The loves dogs was very important and apparently she finds it essential that her adoptive home have a dog.

Can't wait for the adoption to be final and give her her own puppy as a celebration present!

A Legacy

72 years ago today, this beautiful little girl was born, that grew up to be my amazing mommy. Today we're interviewing for 2 (separate) girls that could one day be her granddaughter.....my prayer is whichever one we're chosen to parent, that I can be at least half the mom my mommy was, and that I can leave behind, one day, a legacy like hers and be able to say I made a difference, in the life of our daughter, if no where else!!

  ♥ RIP Mommy 10/15/1940-11/4/2007 ♥

 

 

another lead....

2 year old and 3 year old, sibling set, boy and a girl

We said yes, in case S or C doesn't work out Monday, but I really think one of them will.  Never know though.

I'm sure we'll have tons of competition for a 2 and 3 year old, relatively low needs, so not even remotely getting excited about the possibility there unless we make it to the next step.

A friend told me a couple weeks back that we'd probably get alot of referrals and see more activity than normal for the next month because of National Adoption Month coming up. Apparently there is a quota of adoptions that agencies must hit. 

Sad, but looking back, yeah, I can see that trend. 

more about signs

Oh well, it's definitely not a "sign" on the last child. She may be the right one, but using signs, it could be her or it could be the one I was contacted about Friday.

Back in June, we'd inquired on 2 girls, one of those is the one I wrote about in my last post. I assumed her younger sister was placed.  It turns out we're ALSO in contention for her. They will not be placed together, but we're being considered for both separately.

So, yeah, that means HER interview is ALSO on mommys birthday.

Oh yeah, but what about the fact that the older sister is the mirror image of my 6th grade picture? Well, younger sister has the name that hubby and I picked out when we were doing fertility treatments. How crazy.

When I called him to tell him they said they'd also talk to us about her and that she wasn't placed yet and we're still in the running, his comment was "cool, how appropriate, she has the right name". lol

We have to find humor where we can.
One thing about the journey, without humor, you certainly can't make it.

Do you believe in signs?

I believe in signs.

Some may think it is silly and stupid, but yeah, I sorta believe in signs.  I am a solitary person and tend to look for and see signs and magic everywhere.  It helps me keep hope.

'Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan.'

Last week, one of my adoption buddies sent me a profile of a child that she thought would be PERFECT for us. We'll call her Princess C.  I reviewed her message and all the way down to the color and stripes on the shirt, her profile pic looks eeriely like my school picture at that age. It literally stopped my heart for a split second to see her picture and the similarility between her picture and mine and goose bumps went up my arms.  As I made the bank deposit for work that night, I was sitting in the bank line thinking how I bet my parents would like her.  I was thinking specifically my dad, as I've had that thought about my mom numerous times along the way. 

This morning, I was headed to work as I always do, but I for whatever reason, got sidetracked and drove to the middle school.  Imagine my surprise when I got there. I was mildly embarrassed, hoped nobody I knew saw me since we don't have kids and I left.  I am hoping it was a sign that I would soon be driving our child there, instead of a sign that I'm losing my mind and in the early stages of alzheimers. 

I got to work and I had an e-mail from our adoption worker, asking if we could be available to interview on Princess C on October 15th. 

October 15th, incidentially, is my mommys birthday.  She's been gone almost 5 years and there isn't a time I haven't wished I could go to her and talk all this thru and share the journey with her. 

Could that date be a sign?

One can hope. 

'I think we make our own decisions, I just think that fate sends us little signs, and it's how we read the signs that determines whether we're happy or not.'

Serendipity is the movie from which the quotes come from.  Whether we're chosen or not, I can look at these fun little coincidences as signs that somehow give me hope. 

I think I'll be on cloud 9 for the next few days that we actually finally have an interview.

One Door Closes, Another Opens

One very odd thing about this journey is just the occassional glimmer of hope at precisely the right moment.

The child separated from siblings in my earlier post, we received more information about her and unfortunately, she's not a good match for us and we're not a good match for her.

Our worker sent us an e-mail indicating she didn't think it was a great match, but wanted to know our opinion and if we still wanted to be considered.  Our response?

"Could we handle her? Yes

 Would we be good at it? Yes, probably

Should we? Probably not

We stated our home study preferences based on where our heart is at and given her needs seem to exceed our home study approvals, we agree with you, that we'd do best by her, us and our future child to withdraw. Severe issues do not scare us, we're pretty determined and not quitters. That said, we both really believe our future child's issues are more emotional and behavioral and we'll hold out for another "H" or "M" type to come up."

 

(for viewers here, H and M are 2 separate girls with pretty big emotional and behavioral issues we came in 2nd for on both occassions)

 

I went to sleep heavy hearted, even knowing this was a wise choice for our family.  Heavy hearted because I felt like we'd just thrown away a lead and given up on a very sweet dear child, but as DH says "we weren't meant to 'save them all', there is a special child out there that is meant JUST for US" and hopefully this precious child will find the parents she's meant to have. 

 

The next day I got an e-mail from one of my adoption buddies titled "I found your child".   I opened it up and my heart literally skipped a beat.  She looks like I birthed her. I read her profile and if we want to adopt an emotionally scarred child with big behavioral issues and help her and that's our dream, well, her profile is definitely the picture of a challenged child. 

 

We've expressed interest. Now back to the waiting.

 

Very odd how after a day of heartbreak, there is always another glimmer of hope to take over.  We can go months between leads, but as soon as one lead closes, another always opens.

 

Whether this is our child or not, we're not far enough to know.  What I do know though, is these "glimmers of hope" aka "leads" are what keeps us in it. Otherwise, we'd have surely given up with wide gaps in between. 

 

 

 

This is a picture I took on the way to my last fertility treatment back in early 2009.  At the time, I was hopeful thinking it meant good things for the treatment. After it didn't work, I look back and realize maybe it was just a promise that "everything would be okay".  Notice the raindrops on the windshield, the tears of that failed treatment.

 

I keep clinging to that thought and remind myself daily "everything WILL be okay" and one day I'll look back on this time as a learning journey and well worth the wait.