Last Years Resolutions and how I did

• ·         Ramp up my parenting for attachment—occassionally I forget the trauma that my baby has experienced and I parent her like I would a bio child instead of working for attachment.  While we are attached, she’s not yet 100% secure in her attachment, so I need to make sure I parent her at her developmental level, not her chronological age.  (by the way, I'm a firm believer that attachment parenting is good for bios too, it's just not required the way it is for a trauma child)

I I think I did pretty well with this. We have our moments, but I think I'm overall a pretty good momma for her needs

• ·         After I realized I had failed to achieve my goal last year of opening a savings account for kiddo after getting her birth certificate and social with us as legal parents, I opened up the savings account since posting my failure here. My goal for this year is to put some money aside for her future.

I I put aside a little bit (baby steps) each paydate in an account for her.  Twice during the course of the year, I put in an extra tad for her.  Year one of saving for the baby accomplished.

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• ·         Savings….need to work on that for myself as well. I love spoiling our kid and I tend to spend more than I should. I need to work on regular savings for ourselves as well.  52 week challenge would be great. $1 first week, $2 second week…..

I We spend way too much money.  We do have more in the bank now than last year this time, however, it's all committed because of the crazy renters that trashed my mommy's house.  It's all pledged for, but it's for a good cause.  Our child will have a nice house already when the day comes

• ·         Be mindful of my eating habits. I didn’t hit my goal last year of reducing a dress size, but I will this year. How I’ll do that: incremental habits that I can live with. If I maintained last year, just small changes will get me to goal this year and make this a lifestyle I can live with.
  

I I suck. Just suck. That's all I can say. On the flip side, I recently started water aerobics, I think it'll turn into better choices as time progresses.

• ·         Making memories, too often I’m inclined to get a rut, decide to rest up on the weekend, but I have time to rest when I’m dead. Making memories as a family is important to me and I don’t want to look back with regrets when I’m on my death bed. I didn’t have the first 11 ½ years of my daughters life. While recharging and rest is important, enjoying each other also is.  We will do things as a family to build connections and memories.

Kiddo broke her ankle and had surgery in March.  We weren't able to get to the beach until October because of her ankle and mobility, however, I still think we did pretty well with this.  We have an entire scrapbook of things we did in 2015.  

What all we did: Cherokee (different vacay than normal), 2 road trips to see family for graduations and checked out things nearby as ankle permitted, momma/daughter nail time so daddy could go see Bill Maher, Mannheim Steamroller, Nutcracker, paint your own pottery, 3 visits with baby sis, museum trip, OBX, real fireworks on July 4th, and lots of little things....making smores in the firepit for one, toy drive, visit from Germany uncle, etc.

• ·         Contribute to an area of passion throughout the year, not just at Christmas (ie. Toys for tots at Christmas I always excel at, that’s not my only passion though and I can do better here and will in 2015!!)

I I never found where to contribute to backpack program. I WILL do that this year.  I did a couple small things, but not any more than usually and not amused with myself

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• ·         Make better bonuses EVERY quarter this year than I did at my previous employer. Enjoy the rewards and make those bonuses count and not nickel and dime them away   Get kiddo involved in an activity to get her out of the house and interacting with peers and improve her self esteem

Circumstances beyond my control prevented this last time on the bonus, but the others were better and yes, totally making them count!!

Kiddo activity: enrolled her in piano lessons since no bullies there, leg thing caused a snag there, but she's starting to venture out and hang out with different kids, so this is good

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• ·       Payoff a bill this year and free up more memory making money. We tend to not snowball our debt as we should. We have no car and house debt anymore, so I think we think because it’s “little” stuff that it’s okay to owe, but that’s crazy talk.  Going to work on this this year!

did this, still room to go, but less bills anyway! 

·         Be the best me that’s possible!

I have my days ;)

So, how did you all do with your resolutions? Do you make them? Do you grade yourself?

I give myself a B-

Parenting things are the most important things, so while I missed more than a B's worth of tasks, I hit the critical items.  

I'm Running Away.....

we made it 9 months without hearing those words.

We heard them again yesterday.

Hubs texted me and said "Kiddo said she's running away, just wanted you to know, but don't worry, she's okay because Arlo is giving away her location, she's sulking at the edge of the yard"

He went out and suggested she at least go in the shed with the comics so she's not bored.  She moved to the edge and sat right outside the door.  He said "I guess she just couldn't do what I suggested".

Now....here's WHY she was running away.

Hubs ran out and came back to find her playing with my old phone. She's not suppose to use my phone or tablet unless in my presence, due to poor choices she's made in the past. She had installed KIK, which is against our family policy and is also the program that had the creepy guy that asked for nude photos this time in 2013.

I was sad and mad at the same time.

Yeah, a little mad that she ignored our rules, but more sad.  EVERY year, SAME time, something very similar happens and she gets dysregulated.  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that this time of the year had to be when the abuse started.

He caught her  (we think) before she got around to looking up bad stuff this time. She said she got the phone with that intention, but started feeling guilty and hadn't done it yet.

Hubs and I had a date without her for lunch yesterday and then giving blood.  Given the combination of sneaking and her getting upset enough to threaten to run away, hubs and I decided she had to come on our date with us.

They dropped by the office and kiddo said "Momma, I was going to run away, but it's really way too much trouble" and started laughing. Hubs forgot his ID so he ran out to get it and she stayed with me and she asked if I knew what happened. I told her yes, I did.  I also asked why that would provoke her wanting to run away.

She said "Momma, I feel so guilty, I know I wasn't suppose to and I disappointed you, daddy AND me".

I think this says ALOT about how far we've come with attachment.  She's starting to feel disappointed in the actions and why vs being mad about getting caught or thinking she'll have different rules if she runs away.

I'm so proud of how far she's come.

9 months ago, she didn't run away that night because she'd miss her dog.  (well, that's not all, but that was the reason stated).  This time it was her trying to run away from her feelings, not running away from us and she acknowledged her feelings.

She also acknowledged that traumaversaries are tough.  I asked if it may have been the holiday and missing some of the people in her past.  She looked at me like I grew two heads and said "No, it's the memories of what happened".

She struggles way more with the traumaversary of when the worst things happen than the anniversary of dates removed from homes, so I tend to believe her on this.

Oh, and despite a rocky start to yesterday, yesterday turned out amazing and we had a great evening together.

Purity Ring Request

Immediately after Christmas, kiddo said "Momma, I need to talk to you".

Uh oh!

"No, do you know what a purity ring is?"

Yes baby

"Well, it's a promise to not do anything with boys until I find my husband and I want one"

She has mentioned it no less than 1/2 dozen times since then, so we started scouting for one.  I send hubs numerous links and he kept saying "Nope, not good enough, her purity isn't "cheap" so I want her to have something nice"

This is what we landed on. Hubs wasn't happy that the love waits is on the outside instead of the inside. He thinks that will say "challenge" to bratty boys.  I think if she's strong enough to be thinking this, this will help her.

He also didn't want the religious ones since she wasn't making a religious statement, but a statement about how she personally believes for her own reasons.

I realize this doesn't mean she will not change her mind, but this gives me more hope than you can imagine. 

Based on her past and the risk factors, as well as the mistakes she's made with her phone, one of my big fears has always been her getting physically involved with somebody before she's ready.  

The fact that she wants this reminder and is already planning gives me so much hope.

I'm so proud of my baby girl. 

Simple Pleasures

I love that our child isn't materialistic.

She loves gifts, but it really is about the thought for her.

Her love language is even gifts, but it's about the thought behind the gift and that somebody thought of her while out.

Last year, we got her a 42 inch tv for Christmas, and make a tv room out of her playroom for her.  As much as she loved it, she really got super excited over the Pamper Your Dog kit.  See, most people like TV's, including her, but Pamper Your Dog speaks to her as an avid pet lover and a potential future pet spa owner.

This year, hubs was so thrilled because he found the perfect geek gift for her.....the Amazon Echo. She loves it, has a ball asking it silly questions, enjoys having it play any music she wants anytime she wants, but her favorite gift.....a Shawn Mendes pillow.  Her doll had a note "Baby Mendes", which she loved so much because it proved we were paying attention to who her crush is. Everybody would love the geek gift.  The pillow and naming the baby proved we're "into her".

My silly girl!! I love her so much and love that she doesn't have entitlement mentality. She's way more spoiled that most kids as far as what she gets and way less spoiled in what she expects.  I tell her all the time that's why she is rotten, because she appreciates things and doesn't have unrealistic expectations.

She asked for a hoodie, a real looking baby (she now collects dolls), a stuffed Alvin (because she had a stuffed Alvin when she was little and wasn't able to take it with her when she was removed from the bios home) and an Olaf music box.  It was pulling teeth to get her to ask for that much. She's always responding with "You know the type things I like".

She doesn't sit inside playing video games all the time, she enjoys sitting outside on the gazebo in the fresh air with her pups (and mp3 player for the music, but who doesn't love music?)

We have vacation planned and her big excitement isn't about the out of the ordinary stuff, but the stuff like the tire swing in the backyard at the cottage we'll stay at, the hammock

Family & Christmas Traditions

The first year that kiddo lived here, we were on the outs with mother in law, so we created our own Christmas.  It was the first time we hadn't been anywhere for Christmas. My parents have been gone for too long.  We hated not having grandparents for her, but such is life.

We did all the family gifts on Christmas Eve and a nice dinner on our china.  We promptly found out she doesn't like steak or that type thing, as far as beef goes.  That became the end of our prime rib on Christmas Eve tradition.

We made cookies and brownies and directly after dinner opened all our gifts.  We put kiddo to bed early and brought out the Santa stuff.  She woke up about 4 and well all gathered in the living room for Santa fun.  Right after opening the gifts, all 3 of us curled up in our bed and slept for awhile, with kiddo at the foot of the bed, hugging a couple of her favorite gifts.

We used to love to go feed the hungry for Christmas, but it's so crowded that since kiddo moved in, we haven't been able to. She has crowd anxiety bad. If that ever gets better, we'll so be there! 

Somewhere before the next Christmas, mother in law came to her senses and wanted to be in our lives again.  So, the following Christmas, after the Santa stuff, we headed to her house for lunch and join the dysfunctional family for the day.

The following Christmas, she'd cut us out again, so we didn't visit.

This Christmas, our kids 4th Christmas, she called on Christmas Eve and left a message that we were welcome to come up there for Christmas.  It seemed more a show than anything genuine attempt to start an apology, so we didn't go. We did send along the message that the reason we weren't coming was because it was not healthy for our daughter to see family shut us out, then open the door, shut us out again, that family should demonstrate unconditional love and until that was possible, we would be unable to attend. Hubs baby brother came in from Germany. We considered it just for him, but didn't want to be fake, so we invited him here for Christmas Eve and to go out the day after Christmas with us.

So, what are our Christmas traditions?

• Nutcracker Ballet every year and we let her have a Nutcracker each year.  The last few years, we also let her bring a friend
• Christmas Eve is the "nicer" dinner. By nicer, I mean sit down at the same time and eat off china.  It's no longer prime rib. One year it was lasaagna, salad and rolls. This year, my company provided a ham, so we made that. It was spiral honey glazed.  We made it into the little sandwiches on Hawaiian rolls, potato salad, baked beans, sausage balls, tons of desserts, macaroni and cheese and soda in crystal. 
• Christmas Day, we have cinnamon rolls for breakfast and lunch for the grown ups is crossaint rolls filled with smoked salmon and cream cheese with chives and shallots.  The rest of the day is leftovers from Christmas Eve and relaxing.  The kiddo doesn't like salmon so she has them without the salmon inside
• Had to wake kiddo up this year because we were too excited not to, she thought we were weird. We woke her up at 6. Last year, she woke us up at 3:30.
• going totally overboard on presents, despite always saying we will "do better this year"
• cooking cookies together on Christmas Eve
• peanut butter sandwich and coke left out for Santa, he needs the protein
• taking toys to the local Toy Drive
• staying in our pj's all day Christmas
• letting kiddo eat dessert in bed Christmas Eve right after opening gifts
• elf on a shelf, but she leaves gifts and love  notes, she doesn't get into mischief.  We don't think she should set a bad example, nor do we think kiddo should feel pressure with the elf watching her, it's for fun only
• going thru the rich section of town to look at the Christmas lights on the amazing homes

This year, we also went to a museum to check out the Christmas display and local history.  We also went to Mannheimm Steamroller for the second time.  We will not be adding that to the tradition. It was great the first time. This time, none of us were certain that it wasn't men standing on stage pretending to perform while a soundtrack played. It was off and not quite right.

We couldn't find our stockings this year, so Santa picked up an extra stocking and left it for kiddo and it was so stuffed that the stocking ripped. The day after Christmas, I found our stockings.

So, that was our Christmas in a nutshell and what stays and what doesn't.

Best Friend Drama

Not even sure where to start with this.

Think I mentioned before, the disagreement with hubs and BFF's mother.  It's put some unnecessary tension and new boundaries that weren't there before.

BFF's mom has forbid BFF from talking to hubs on facebook (although what that has to do with the situation is beyond me, it didn't involve her daughter at all, but I digress....)

Obviously, if he wasn't allowed to talk to her, that meant we took a different friend on our adventures.  BFF was  not amused and said "She's allowed to talk to him, just not on facebook"

Huh?

Anyway, kiddo has found that she really enjoys this other friend and said she's realizing now that BFF is trying to grow up too quick and she actually has more in common with this new friend and new friend doesn't trigger her.

It was so much fun listening to them play "Marry, kiss or kill" in the backseat on our trips.  Even more fun to hear "Spongebob and popstars" as some of the choices.

Quite a difference.

Kiddo is quite worried about the other BFF though, as are we.  Time will tell if she comes clean.,  Until recently BFF had pretty much ignored kiddo, hence her not trying to get them to work things out vs finding another friend to go places.

Kiddo was a little wonky for awhile until BFF finally started talking again, but BFF is hot and heavy with the boyfriend and Char isn't amused, so she's no longer struggling with that, just worry that BFF will do something stupid.

Holidays

Despite every year my saying we're going to cut back, we totally overdid it again, but oh, so much fun!!!

a couple comments from kiddo clinched that we definitely go overboard

"Momma, you and daddy get as much as Santa does and he goes overboard"

"Santa always leaves his bag here because I'm the last stop since I get the most"

"Momma, I thought about telling you y'all went overboard again, but I decided I like it so I'm not going to tell you that"

We had such an amazing holiday though, despite that we have no clue if our child has a floor in her room. It's a total wreck and she's overwhelmed to find spots for it. I think I'll take a day off when she gets back to school and organize for her and get her wing cleaned up good.

I even caught Santa leaving this time.

But it's not all about gifts, we took her and one of her friends to see Mannheim Steamroller to kick off the holiday season.  It was lower key this year, so they ended up dozing during the Christmas lullaby.

We got a live tree again this year and went to a tree lot that was on my bucket list for charm, complete with the bonfire in a barrel

We took the girls to see the Nutcracker and got them each a Nutcracker, also yearly tradition.  This was the 4th Christmas with our baby.  From left to right, her nutcrackers:  2015, 2013, 2012 and 2014.

I took a few days off work and we went to a local museum to check out the Christmas exhibits.  My personal favorite:

We made a gingerbread house.  I'm pretty sure, however, that that is always more about her eating the icing than ever having a house.  We also fixed cookies together.

We went to the speedway to donate toys for the local toy drive. Hubs picked out a walkie talkie set.  I picked out a baby doll and crib.  Kiddo picked out a pillow pet, because it's good for all ages and who doesn't love a pillow pet.

The Wednesday before Christmas, we had an unexpected knock on the door.  Imagine our surprise to see hubs brother that lives in Germany at the door.  He hasn't been home in 4 years and had never met Charity and surprised us. Nobody knew he was coming.

Yeah, pretty amazing holiday.

(and fun playing Santa)

Nothing better at Christmas than being a parent.